Miss the old me

Does anyone else think this way?

14 months have passed since we started TTC. And I feel like I can't remember ANYTHING other then TTC. Nothing.

We bought our house, renovated it, finally went on our honeymoon... Things happened. Great things. But unless I think hard, all I can see is the month after month after month of disappointment.

I remember feeling excited when we got engaged, when we were planning the wedding, when we were looking for our house. I haven't had that excitement in 14 months. I'm not even excited during the 2ww. I spend the entire 2w worrying and looking into every symptom and wondering how DH is able to laugh with his friends and go about his every day life and I am just left wondering. Checking the calendar over and over, counting and recounting the days to see exactly how much longer before I can test.

I know I'm not even that far along in this journey yet, but I have already lost me.

Just a vent

Re: Miss the old me

Yes. I was talking to my mother today, and I told her how I have never in my life had anxiety problems. Never. I have always dealt with stress really well. Cool as a cucumber type personality. I am a wreck now. I can barely find joy in anything, because I have so much anxiety.

I just want IF treatments to be done, to be pregnant, and to move on. I keep telling myself that this is only going to be one journey in my life, but it feels like it is never ending. Every day feels like a year.

Miss the old me

i know exactly how you feel. I was TTC for 1 year and in the grand scheme of things, i know that isn't a long time. There are ladies on here who have been trying for much much longer, but every day, I felt the same as you. I couldn't find joy in anything and I couldn't understand how Dh could ge tthrough the days, weeks and months with a smile on his face.
Come to find out, Dh was just as stressed as I was but he dealt with it differently.
There is no tried and true way to figure out who to put TTC aside to enjoy life. you have to do what works for you. In the days between when all I could do in between treatments was sit and wait, i tried really hard not to think aout it. every week i would look for the one thing that i could look forward to...a night out with friends, a date with DH, anything! and i took it from there. it gave me something else to focus my energy on.

Miss the old me

Just try to focus on the end prize and stay positive. I know this sounds like very generic advice but I can tell you that from being on both sides of infertility, once you reach your goal (no matter what methods it takes to get there) you will find a much stronger you. It's SO easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day but there will be a day when it's a distant memory. When we were going through IF Dh always used to tell me that everyone goes through something and if this is our thing, then we're pretty lucky that it's not cancer or other things. We aren't naive enough to think that just because we went through IF means that we won't have any other issues, but in the here and now it was always enough to keep me grateful. IF hurts like hell but it's not deadly. You will still be here when it's over and you will be stronger. And the good news is one way or another it does have an end - and when it comes you will have made peace with whatever decisions you had to make to get there. I'm sorry to sound preachy but again try to focus on the end result and not the rough patches and courage it will take to get there.

Re: Miss the old me

Re: Miss the old me

I know exactly what u mean....I walked in a fog for 2 and a half years....

It is so hard,and it changes you....I am not the same person I was when we started ttc..

I know when I say hang in there,or keep th e end in sight u wanna tell me to F off.....i wanted to when it was said to me

It is true....if we give up what was all this for...

And being a week away from after years and 4 pregnancies I can say the struggle and every tear shed and dollar spent and injection given was well worth it

Message edited 11/14/2012 9:23:57 PM.

Re: Miss the old me

We've been at this for 3 years and I can't tell you where all the time has went. I have all these random memories (in no particular order).I can tell you the betas from my first pregnancy... the handbag I wore to my 16wk appt with my where we got the bad news... the place I went to dinner to celebrate I was having triplets..... the lesson I taught at work the day of my chemical... the meal I ate for dinner the day I tested positive with my last FET... the show I watched on tv while I was passing clots through my last miscarriage... I remember the voice of my recovery room nurse after my d&c ..... the taste of the pills to bring on contractions after we lost my .... the card game my husband and I played as I waited to be taken in for my d&e ... the last words I said before they put me to sleep ("Don't forget Dr.Jacobs, I have to be pregnant again!") ... and the first words I said when I woke up (Dr.Jacobs, will I get pregnant again?") .. I remember the feeling of joy when my best friend told me she was pregnant (on my birthday (but the fear and disappointment that it wasn't me too). The shock I had when my milk came in full force after my first loss.... The first words my mom said through the phone when I told her I we were losing our son... I remember the last conversation I had with my grandfather before he died (.. telling him I was pregnant..) I remember swallowing back tears at baby showers ... car rides with my dh after seeing his pregnant cousins ... The fear I had when using my first injections ... the excitement going in for my first IUI, full of hope, with the assumption that our journey would be a quick one ... but through all those memories, I'm just so grateful that its only brought my dh and I even closer. Its been a wild ride, but I know it will make us more appreciative parents in the end. We've learned the struggle it can take to get the goal, and what a bigger struggle it is to keep it. There are parts of this journey that make me want to SCREAMSOFUCKINGLOUD ..... but parts of it I've learned to embrace. We WILL all come through on the other end..... I have to believe that we didn't come this far to stop short of the finish line!

Re: Miss the old me

I have no words of advice...I can only say that I completely relate. I am not the old me. I am distant from friends and family, spend a lot of time at home (used to always be out and about) and am always seeing the glass half empt when before it was half full. I hope things turn around for you quickly and that each of us sees our BFP some day.

Miss the old me

100%...I was totally carefree about TTC and wanted to wait till we were settled in our lives before we even thought about it...I knew it wouldnt be easy being diagnosed with PCOS at 12 but I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would need IVF to get pregnant...the struggles and tears really are worth it in the end when you do finally get the BFP and hopefully you can hold your baby...I know that I will never be the same person I was but I think I am a stronger woman for having gone thru this...I read this poem every once in a while and think its sooo true...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I will adopt, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.