VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

I apologize in advance for this being so long... I’m just feeling so conflicted with my family. I’m due in 8 weeks; I posted about this before…but when I found out I was expecting I immediately asked my Mother if she would be able to help throw my shower. Her response that she wouldn’t be doing it…someone else would probably throw it for me. I got very upset about that and told her that it really hurt my feelings that she wouldn’t even want to be involved in planning my 1st baby shower. Eventually after venting to my sister (who I guess would go back and talk to my Mom); My mother started to plan the shower; but seemed to need direction where to start (basically out right asking me what she had to do). After that I was prepared to help plan; and be involved since it didn’t seem like my Mother & sister were being proactive about getting the shower planned. DH was against me being involved. He said the whole point of the shower was to “shower the Mom-to-be” and that I shouldn’t have to help plan it; that he would get his sister to help and would step in when necessary. I resisted but said fine. Now my shower is a surprise so I don’t know when it is; but DH just finally broke down and told me that my family hasn’t done anything to help with the shower and that his sister has done anything. In fact; my family hasn’t even reached out to his sister in over 4 weeks. Basically leaving the invitations; favors; menu finalization to her. I’m so annoyed. I’m not supposed to know this; and DH ONLY told me because I begged him to open up with what was going on with the shower because he’s been very frustrated lately and has been giving huge resistance about going to see my family next week for thanksgiving. I just knew it had something to do with the shower and he finally opened up about it.

I just feel so disappointed that my Mother and sister didn’t step up to plan the shower. I planned BOTH my sisters showers for her two kids AND her bridal shower. I pretty much planned them on my own b/c of my mother’s over all lack of involvement in things like this. But I thought my sister would have picked up where my mother was lagging. But she’s got 2 small kids and I assume hasn’t had the time to help plan? I knew from my experience planning my sisters showers how little my Mother did; so shame on me for thinking it would be any different now...

Thank you for letting me vent the frustration that I feel. Especially now that it’s too late. It’s not like I can tell my Mother & sister they need to do more; or offer to help with the remaining projects because it’s already been done. I just feel bad this all fell on my sister in law.

Especially with the holidays coming up; it’s tough because I have to see my family knowing I’m upset. DH doesn’t even want to go and see my parents on thanksgiving yet because he feels like I bend over backwards for them; yet they didn’t even step up to help plan my baby shower more.

IF you gotten this far…now I have a question…I know my sister in law has spent a lot of money on this; basically doing it on her own. She would never accept any money that I would offer to give back to her. Is there anything that I can do of equal measure to thank her? I wish there was a way I could give her back some of the money she had to spend especially since I know she wasn’t working for a long time. I just want to thank her in some way. If I gave her a Visa or Amex gift card then she could use that towards some of her daily expenses for a while? I just feel so bad that my family hasn’t helped more…

Sorry this was so long!

VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

Be grateful you have a SIL who is willing to pick up the slack! I would be disappointed in my mother and sister too, but at least you're getting one and that someone cares enough to do it. I know people who plan their own, or don't have one at all. It's annoying, but don't let it be stressful!

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

I think that was really nice of your SIL to pick up where your mom and sister fell short.

I don't think it's necessary or appropriate to give your SIL money, or a gift card, towards the cost of the shower. Will she one day have kids where you can repay her by planning her shower?

VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

im so sorry you are dealing with this. i would be hurt too if my mom or sister didnt plan a shower for me, especially after speaking with them about it.

I would not let this get to you right now, and be grateful to your SIL. I dont think you should give a monetary thank you to her...but i would write out a nice card and express your gratitude. take her out to dinner one night (with your DH and her significant other if she has one)

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

Wow I would be very frustrated and upset with my mom and sister if they couldn't be bothered with helping to plan my shower. At least offer to help with money if they didn't have the time to do anything. You are very lucky to have a SIL who planned your shower for you! You don't have to give her anything but maybe a thank you gift or take her out to dinner one night to show your gratitude would be fine. You can always repay her by one day in the future planning her baby shower, bridal shower, bday party, etc.

What I don't understand is....you knew your mom probably wouldn't be too involved but you did tell your sister how you felt and she still didn't do anything to help? I find that strange...maybe there's more to the story??

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

I am very sorry you are dealing with this, I would be very hurt by it as well. Iit is so nice you have a SIL who stepped in and took care of it all without complaining to you as I am sure many people might have done!

I don't know if a monetary gift would be necessary but I would definitely get her a nice gift and take her out to dinner or maybe see if she would want to go and get manis and pedis with you, your treat one day. I was a reader for a friend's wedding recently and she bought me this bracelet and I love it.

Kate Spade bracelet

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

So sorry you are going through this.
My sister and SIL planned my first shower and I knew they both had spend a lot of time and money on my shower. As an appreciation gift, I got them both a necklace and bracelet from Tiffany. Of course that's was back in the days when money was flowing every where. I would get her a GC to a Spa or even a restaurant just to show her how much you appreciate everything she has done.

VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

I know exactly how you feel because almost the same t hing happened to me.
When my sister got married, i essentially planned her bridal shower. My mother kind of just went along with what I planned, but I did everything. I didn't mind because i had started planning well in advance of the shower and her wedding.
When it was my turn to have my bridal shower, it was a total fiasco. My sister is a HUGE procrastinator and like i said before, my mom just kind of follows the lead of the person in charge. They waited till 4 WEEKS before my wedding to throw my shower. They didn't not send out the invite until 6 WEEKS before the shower. No one on DH's side knew what was going on because my family didn't really reach out to them. People were coming up to my MIL asking if I would have a shower. She finally told DH if she didn't find out in the next couple of days, she would throw me a bridal shower on her own for her side of the family. It was so embarassing and made my family look really bad. No planning really went into the shower. They choose a date that was essentially bad for everyone, was also the day of the Bike Marathan in May and 3 weeks before the shower, the original venue burned down and a new one had to be found. a DISASTER!!!!!!
I am due in Feb. and my mother asked me if I wanted a shower. I let her know I did I told her that I would help plan this baby shower since I knew how badly the bridal shower turned out. My only request was to do the baby shower before the holidays and not after. Of course, my mom went on vacation for 3 weeks, nothing got done and she came back and told me, oh, we're ready to start planning now. When the details of what this baby shower was going to be like emerged and what it would consist of came to light, i was so upset, i couldn't believe i was going the short end of the stick again. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but after all that I do for them....(that's another story) DH was really mad about the whole thing as well and after to talking to him about it, he refused to have me be put through that unnecessary stress. I called my mom and asked her to just cancel the whole thing. She couldn't understand why and i just left it at, its ok, i don't need one.
My sister just told me a few weeks ago that she is expecting as well and she definately wants a baby shower, so honestly, at this point, i'm really not mentioning it to anyone until someone tell s me what to do because i am tired of having to do so much for others and not getting anything in return, especially when its family.

I understand why you are upset. If would be too, and I can totally understand why your DH is upset, because i had to go through the same thing with my DH. Your DH is upset for you and because your family hasn't helped at all. Basically his sister had to do everything. Its amazingly sweet of her to pick up the slack and coordinate and pay for everything..Knowing me, I would probably get her a littel something to say thank you and a very heartfelt card, writing to her about how thankful you are for all she has done for you. I would also definately be ready to shell out some serious $$$ when it comes to her own baby shower in the future.
Since you don't know when your baby shower is, and with Thanksgiving coming up next Thursday, Iw ould def mention it to your mother and sister and see what they say. If only just to hear what their excuse is. They have a right to know that you know that they did nothing while your SIL picked up the reins. This is only what I would do. Might it lead to a fight? maybe, but at this point, its not like they will cancel it, especially since they didn't plan it...I don't know what to tell you about going to your family's house for the holidays. I can understand your DH not wanting to go...but that is something that is best resolved between the two of you...
I hope everything works out for you!

VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

Thanks so much for all of your responses! To answer a few questions...

My SIL is married and has a 11 year old (she's not planning on having more children so probably no opportunity to throw her a shower in return.

Over the summer I vented to my sister how my Mom wasn't making much of an effort to help plan the shower or even get the ball rolling. I basically told my sister I would just do it myself if no one stepped up to do it. She said that her & my Mom WERE e-mailing and calling venues but just weren't telling me so that the shower would be a surprise. After that I figured I'd just step back since it seemed like they were working on the details but not telling me. So it was a shock to hear today that outside of picking the venue my family hasn't done much else and my SIL had to pick up the slack.

I have a feeling they saw how proactive my SIL was and she was taking the lead on planning (that's her personality) so maybe they figured she was handling everything? I don't want to make excuses.

My DH also told me that they've (my Mom & sis) were asking for a lot of money from him to contribute; and my sister wasn't putting anything towards the shower because she was saying how she has to pay for plane tickets for her; her husband and their 2 kids. DH is annoyed about this; not that he had to contribute; but that she's brining her whole family. He feels that if she was offering in the beginning to help with the shower; then maybe it should have just been her flying to NY for the shower instead of the whole family?

It's a lot going on!

I do like the ideas of a nice Tiffany's Bracelet! Or Even the kate Spade one! Or a GC to a Spa-something she might not normally do on her own!

ETA: DH Doesn't want me to say anything to my family; that what's done is done-the planning is already taken care of. That i shouldn't let it stress me; move forward and just react accordingly in the future. Maybe not be so generous myself all the time and/or feel as obligated as i do sometimes with family committments.

Message edited 11/12/2012 4:59:22 PM.

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

moonmist09 your situtation sounds so much like mine! It's so saddening when you feel like you do SO much for other people; because that's just how you are; and then you don't ever get anything in return.

My sister lives out of state; so I at least expected her coordinate invites since she couldn't physically go to venues and pick them out; but apparently she didn't even do that. My SIL took care of the invites.

I said to DH I don't want to see what happens the day of the shower; is my Mom & sister going to just sit like guests or get up and help with games; or whatever set up may need to be done (I don't know where it it).

So will you have a shower at all? Will you & your DH plan something to celebrate the baby on your own? I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand exactly how it feels

Re: VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

im so sorry about all of this you are dealing with!!!

since its pretty soon, i would give her a very nice gift for the holidays coming up. a bit more than you normally would have. that way she doesnt feel that awkward since its for the holidays...im sure shell know its for all she has done but it will be unspoken rather than her feeling awkward excepting any gift or money directly for the shower.

VERY long Shower & Family frustation Vent!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with some of the other ladies. I wouldn't give her cash or anything cause that may make her feel awkward, but since the holidays are coming up I would give her a really nice gift.