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When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
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When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
Do you usually keep it?
Lately DD -she is 5- has been so difficult, mostly it has to do with too many changes :new school, new baby...
I feel like I am constantly threatning her with things like if you don't do this you are not watching TV, or you are not going to the playground... 99% of the time I keep my word, but sometimes I am so tired from all the sleepless nights (haven't gotten more than 3-4 hrs of sleep a night in 6 weeks now) that I can't deal with her whining and crying so I give in .
Well there is a playdate set up this evening at a friends house , all her "best friends" and their moms who are also friends with me will be there , 5-6 kids... this morning DD was very , very difficult, refused to get dressed for school, brush her teeth, she talked back and even hit me once - she said it was an accident, but I don't know - so I told her if she didn't stop no playdate, she didn't , so I told her she can forget about a playdate for sure.
Now of course all the moms are texting back and forth , confirming the play date, time, saying how excited kids are , looking forward to it and I am starting to feel bad.
I feel like the playdate would be good for her, distract her from things, plus I feel like if she doesn't go it will make her even more crancky and since she seems to think we "don't love / like her any more" already, this will make her feel even worse (since she knows about the playdate and has been very excited about it for days now) I know I am giving her way too much power by feeling guilty about the situation and overthinking like this, but I am just so tired of saying no to her all the time lately (bc of her "bad" behavior)
So how do you handle situations like this? What would you do?
Message edited 10/26/2012 11:06:01 AM.
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Posted 10/26/12 10:55 AM  |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
Generally, I try not to do the threat of taking away something later in the day. I don't know how old your DD is, but for my DS, it's too delayed and I think he needs more immediate consequences for it to be effective.
Since you already told her she couldn't go, I think you have 2 options. Either you don't go at all, or tell her when she gets home from school that she has a chance to "earn back" the playdate. If she can show that she's being a good listener and cooperates with you between the time she gets home and the time you leave, she can get another chance. However, I would also put the condition on it that if she isn't listening or behaving while she is at the playdate, you leave immediately.
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| Posted 10/26/12 11:05 AM |
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
Posted by dpli
tell her when she gets home from school that she has a chance to "earn back" the playdate. If she can show that she's being a good listener and cooperates with you between the time she gets home and the time you leave, she can get another chance. However, I would also put the condition on it that if she isn't listening or behaving while she is at the playdate, you leave immediately.
I was going to suggest something like this. Say you thought about it and you want to give her a chance to earn it back. I also agree that if she is behaving badly at the play date or hits someone there, I would make her leave early.
Its a tough situation which is why its hard to make threats like that, because I feel you HAVE to follow through on them. (at least for it to work). But you can get around it by telling her the playdate IS off the table, UNLESS she does something beforehand to make it up. If you really want her to go and you don't think she will be good, give her one simple task you think she'll actually do/listen to... like put all of the dirty laundry in a basket or SOMETHING just to say OK, I'm proud of you for helping me so now I'm giving this BACK to you...
Most children are just testing you or act out in the need for more attention- so by giving her another chance, saying you are proud of her for fixing the situation, and taking her on the fun day... maybe it will give her exactly what she needs. (limits and love).
Message edited 10/26/2012 11:15:34 AM.
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| Posted 10/26/12 11:14 AM |
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
Name:
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
Posted by dpli
Generally, I try not to do the threat of taking away something later in the day. I don't know how old your DD is, but for my DS, it's too delayed and I think he needs more immediate consequences for it to be effective.
Since you already told her she couldn't go, I think you have 2 options. Either you don't go at all, or tell her when she gets home from school that she has a chance to "earn back" the playdate. If she can show that she's being a good listener and cooperates with you between the time she gets home and the time you leave, she can get another chance. However, I would also put the condition on it that if she isn't listening or behaving while she is at the playdate, you leave immediately.
she is 5. Funny , I was never the mom who made threats, honestly I never really needed to. And she was never a child who really needed threats or timeouts, she has always been such a good girl, but the past few weeks have been tough , she has been acting out, I guess I am trying to find ways to get her to listen and cooperate and this has become one of the ways to get her to do so.
Thank you for the reply, I am thinking I am going to bring her home and see how she does, get her to do her homework too and then go from there, decide what I am going to do.
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| Posted 10/26/12 11:15 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
Posted by dpli
Generally, I try not to do the threat of taking away something later in the day. I don't know how old your DD is, but for my DS, it's too delayed and I think he needs more immediate consequences for it to be effective.
Since you already told her she couldn't go, I think you have 2 options. Either you don't go at all, or tell her when she gets home from school that she has a chance to "earn back" the playdate. If she can show that she's being a good listener and cooperates with you between the time she gets home and the time you leave, she can get another chance. However, I would also put the condition on it that if she isn't listening or behaving while she is at the playdate, you leave immediately.
I agree.
All of my threats are immediate and final. You get no ‘warning’ your warning was my threat. Its my way no matter what. A threat for later “no play, no tv, no book, no milk” would not only confuse her but have no affect on AJ or the bad behavior since there’s no immediate consequence for her actions. Later when the punishment is put forth she’d be resentful and confused why I was being so mean. I tried only once and that was it. Now its just EASIER for me to deal with tears, end of world etc, right away. She’ll get over it. But she’ll know when I say “do this or else” I mean it. We’ve been that way for a long time.
I’m very Cause = Effect. You do this and THIS is the result. Don’t like it, then you shouldn’t have done what you did, right? What did you do? (make her explain) and what happened ? Will you do it again? Sometimes I get attitude, but my word is final.
I also agree that since its out there you need another plan. I’d explain and sit and talk to her (if possible). For her the situation isn’t forgotten but the punishment is disconnected. If you plan on sticking with it then you’d better be able to make the connection again. That’s if you’re going to stick with it.
Option B: (one I’d most likely do) is let it go. Can’t change tactics midway. If she’s been a stinker, let her ‘make her own bed’ if you will. Then there’s a more direct result to the behavior.
As far as the party itself. I am of the mind to say “so sad too bad” most moms will get that she needs an attitude adjustment. All kids do. There will be other parties. It will be more enjoyable with a well behaved child and a less stressed mom. I don’t like to reward bad behavior with friends. If she needs to burn off energy, steam, etc. that makes sense. I’ll take her to a park and literally tell her to scream as LOUD as she can. I even join in and see who can scream louder, longer. But its just us. Mom and me therapy. We vent, we rage, we laugh and in the end we’re good. Ironically she will ask if we can do it again.
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| Posted 10/26/12 11:35 AM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
DS is 5 and DD is 3. When they misbehave/don't listen the punishment is immediate. No tv, Toy is taken away, we leave the place where we are, etc. I would not make a threat that I did not want to follow up with. In this case I would do as PP suggested with an earn back type of reward, but if she can't or there is not enough time between school and the play date, I would not go, as much as it would pain me. This is one of those tests that she wants to see how much she can get away with before she is actually punished.
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| Posted 10/26/12 11:53 AM |
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Champ
2 little ladies
Member since 1/11 2918 total posts
Name:
Rose
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Re: When / if you make threats like "if you don't listen you are not..."
My girls are 1 so I have not dealt with this from the parent position. I have though, been teaching for 15 years. I never go back on what I say.
Is it possible that you could find something good that she did in school today and make going to the play date as a reward?
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| Posted 10/26/12 12:13 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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When / if you make threats like
sometimes there is occasion where we give in on it..... But ds will make up for it in another way.......
Like if we took away tv for bed, after time out not working, and we want to give it back to him, then we might tell him if he cleans up something out of place he can earn back the tv for bed.
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| Posted 10/27/12 1:56 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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When / if you make threats like
sometimes there is occasion where we give in on it..... But ds will make up for it in another way.......
Like if we took away tv for bed, after time out not working, and we want to give it back to him, then we might tell him if he cleans up something out of place he can earn back the tv for bed.
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| Posted 10/27/12 1:56 PM |
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