Son in our bed?

Hi all,

Every night, usually around 1-2 AM, our son Brent climbs into bed with us. This has been almost every night since he was a baby. He just started first grade this week. My husband really hates this, since Brent is so big now that when he rolls over in his sleep he hits/kicks us and disturbs our sleep. My husband also disagrees with having Brent in bed with us on principle. He has tried discussing this with Brent, tried bribery, but Brent says he can't stay in his bed at night because he is lonely (he is an only child).

It is causing serious problems between me and my husband because I am fine with Brent staying in our bed. I feel he is only going to be a child once, and once he's grown he'll never want to be with us. He's probably going to be our only one and I want to treasure every moment. Some nights I prefer to have Brent just go straight to our bed rather than going into his own bed at all.

As I said, my husband really hates this and doesn't want Brent in our bed at all. I've suggested if he is having trouble sleeping that he should go sleep in Brent's bed or on the couch, but he refuses to do that. This is causing serious problems in our marriage, but I can't stand to tell Brent no. I love having him in the bed, and when my husband tells him he needs to stay in his own bed he starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Has anyone else faced similar issues? Any advice to offer?

Thanks
Mary

Re: Son in our bed?

can you put a separate bed for him in your room? For what its worth I totally agree with you

Re: Son in our bed?

IMO... if it's causing that many problems in your marriage, it needs to stop. I'm not sure how to do that, exactly, but the way I see it, if your marriage is suffering it is probably going to affect your son in some way, at some point. Whether it's seeing you guys argue about it, or just "sensing" that something is off. You don't want your husband to resent his son, either... whether it's consciously or not.

Good luck.

Re: Son in our bed?

My sister used to come into bed with me as a kid.

I hated it... she would have nightmares or be sick... she'd kick me, give me a black eye, or throw up ON me. She loved it & always felt better when in bed with me.

My mom said... it won't be forever & some day you'll miss it.

I do now. She's 30.

My son (2 yrs old) comes into bed with us about 50% of the time now... also 1-2AM. Especially if he had something "scary" happen. Just last night, I heard him having a bad dream & crying out for me. It's nice to be a source of comfort... and yes, they grow out of it.

I take him in. We bought a bigger bed (king) & more pillows so that DH doesn't get kicked so much.

Re: Son in our bed?

I guess I'm in the minority, but I agree with your DH. I don't think he belongs in your bed at any kind of regular rate. I think if he's sick, that's a different story, but he belongs in his own room otherwise. Again, this is just my opinion. We got close to ths habit when my older DS had a febrile seizure. We kept him with us because of our own nerves and insecurities and he we needed to break that bad habit. What we did was set up a sleep chart. He got a sticker or each night he stayed in his room. We started that every 3 stickers he would get a small (dollar store) prize. As he started earning more stickers we changed it up. He needed 5 stickers for a trip to Dunkin Donuts. Then it had to be a month of back to back nights with no breaks and he got a real toy.

Re: Son in our bed?

I agree with your DH. I think it is unhealthy for you to want to have your 6 or 7 year old son in your bed on a regular basis to replace your husband. It would be different if you said it was once in a blue moon because he was sick or some other issue, but every night is unhealthy at this age. IMO it is unhealthy for you to want to kick your DH out of your marital bed and think it is acceptable to have your son in your bed in place of your DH. You are the parent and need to establish ground rules. It is the start of a new school year and now is a great time to establish new house rules too. He needs to sleep in his own bed and in his own room. You need to reestablish a connection to your husband before you damage that relationship.

Son in our bed?

I agree with your dh, its unhealthy its a nightly habit, its unhealthy you'd rather your dh leave the bed... It sounds like its setting the kid up to be a mama's boy who will never be able to sleep over another kids house, and your dh won't stand for it forever... since its been going on so long, maybe there should be a transition out. Perhaps you get get a toddler sleep mat that you can put on the floor in your room, if he wakes up overnight, he can go to that.

Re: Son in our bed?

Re: Son in our bed?

Re: Son in our bed?

Well, there are some mornings that I wake up with 5 other living things in the bed. DH, three kids and the dog. 2/3 kids start off in their own beds. But DH is OK with this. If they sleep the whole night in their bed, that's fine too (DD sleeps with us though - 1 yo).

We like it - it works for us. If it's not working, you need to figure out something - a compromise at least.

Message edited 9/5/2012 8:32:04 PM.

Re: Son in our bed?

You need to stop this ASAP! your bed is for you and your husband you have all day to be with your Ds.
if you must let him fall asleep and then move him back so he wakes up in his own bed.
This will cause more problems then you really want.

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Re: Son in our bed?

I just wanted to add that DHs aunt did this with her son. It was a terrible habit, but in her case it was just one of the many ways she babied him. She also cut up his food into incredibly small pieces up to a ridiculous age. He's 12 now and he's still a momma's boy. From a mothers perspective, maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. But her son has no independence, and I can never see that as a positive thing. So my point is, think about down the road and the kind of kid/man you want your DS to be and start helping to shape him into that now.

Re: Son in our bed?

I keep thinking about this post.

It's so "cultural". I grew up with my closest friends always having their little brothers or sisters in the same room as them or their parents. That's what happens when everyone has small apartments. The all became independent: so no worries. I think naturally, we can be lonely creatures.

I have my 2 kids sharing a room. We have a spare bedroom... but they like being together. The comfort of knowing someone is there gets my son (2) off to sleep at night. He keeps asking if baby is going to sleep too. We put them to sleep at the same time. While having another kid for this reason is not a reasonable option...

Have you considered getting your son a pet? A cat is really low maintenance & will sleep in bed with him if kept in his room at night as a kitten. Having had a kitty myself as a kid: there is no better feeling than a cat on your belly or on your legs. Dogs are great too, but considerably more effort. Boys and their dogs really do bond & it may be great if you have someone home to be able to walk & take care of it.

Re: Son in our bed?

We have a similar problem, DS started coming in our bed around 1 or 2, but he was so stealth we never heard him. Sometimes I'd wake up unable to move my legs bc he was sleeping on top of the blankets holding my legs down.

I agree with your husband that he does have to stop sleeping in your bed, but I agree with you that he'll only be this small once.

What I did was I put a comforter on our floor and if he comes in our room at night, he is welcome to grab his pillow and his light blanket and sleep on the floor. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. This way he does not disturb our sleep, and he gets the sleep he needs.

It's not ideal bc I paid a lot of money for his bed, but if it makes DH happy he's not getting kicked at night and it makes DS happy that he's near his mommy, I'm fine with it. I know he won't be coming in my room forever.

Re: Son in our bed?

Re: Son in our bed?

I only think it's "unhealthy" if everyone is not on board (which your DH is not) and that unhealthiness is from a lack of you and your dh communicating and finding a solution.

Son in our bed?

I agree with your DH. Your son is old enough to be in his own bed. And if it is causing problems in your marriage then it def needs to stop. I would not put a bed in your room for him...this will just create a new problem.

IMO if you really feel the need to sleep in the same room as your son you can go sleep in his room. Your DH should not be kicked to the couch, it is his bed too.

Re: Son in our bed?

I think it's important to think beyond your emotions and do what's best for your dh and son. That is to set boundaries. Even though it feels great for you to sleep with your son, it is not right for your marriage. Even though your DS is an only child you can't keep him in younger stages. He needs to be independent. Your dh must feel very hurt by your suggestion that he leave your marital bed.

Son in our bed?

I know I'm the minority here, but I agree with you. They're only young once. It's only a matter of time before he's saying "Ma, you're embarrassing me!". However, if it truly is interfering with your marriage, that's definitely not good. I'm not familiar with that age, my guys only 6.5mos. Lol. What if you had a special night once a week/month whatever, that he camps out in mommy and daddy's room? IDK.. Hugs!

Re: Son in our bed?

I agree with your DH on this one.
My DS is 5.
He moves around a lot. Kicks, Punches, etc.
Even when he's not feeling well, we will bring him in, but, blow up his air mattress next to our bed so he still has the comfort of mommy & daddy being there.
To ask your DH to leave the bed, I don't know, I can't imagine that.
Your DS is 7. He's old enough to be told "No".

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I'm going to start by saying this. My son is 17 months old and sleeps in our bed and as much as me and DH love having him there, he needs to sleep on his own. We bought him a toddler bed and put it in our room so we can transition him little by little and eventually the bed will go in his own room.

Maybe you can try either transitioning him into his bed by having it in your room OR what about when Brent wakes up in the middle of the night, you tell him he can come and get you or call for you and you lay with him in his bed until he falls asleep, then you go back into your bed with your husband.

I understand he's only a kid once but he is at the age where he understands and by him crying like that, he is manipulating you and it's working.

Good Luck.

Message edited 9/8/2012 11:04:34 AM.

Re: Son in our bed?

We don't let DS sleep in our bed (he's 4). If he has a bad dream and wants to sleep with us, I offer to go to his room and stay until he's sleeping again. Then I go back to my own room.