Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

one of my bestest in the world friends is getting married in Aruba in April. I am in the BP (bridesmaid). I have a 2 year old. (I also have a husband but that's a different matter )

I love my friend. I am super excited for her and I want to be there for her so much. My husband and I decided that it would be best if I went alone. financially it would cost us too much to all fly there plus fly someone in to babysit.

so, I am leaving my 2-year-old for the first time to fly to Aruba. he is extremely attached to me.

everything that relates to my son tells me to be away for as little time as possible...leave early Friday morning and come back sunday afternoon. the weddding is on Saturday.

but everthing that relates to my friends feels like I am shorting her in some way..that I should go on Thursday.

I thought I was ok with this but my panic attack in the virtual checkout of Jet Blue is showing me that I am not.

this is not for work. it's for pleasure and it carries with it for me a particular guilt about leaving my son when he could be potentially miserable, especially at bed time, for 3 nights while I am off having margaritas and dancing on bars (though this will be so much fun LOL)

so, after longwindedness, how would you feel if you were my friend. my friend, b/c she is my friend, will understand, but that doesn't mean she may not be disappointed and I can understand that. I am just hoping you will all tell me she'll be too busy and excited to miss me the extra day

thanks, for the crash pass as well (if it's granted).

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

If I were your friend, I'd understand your concerns and not impose my bridezilla-ness on you. Lets be real, it's already a huge imposition for you to fly to Aruba. When I had got married, I did not expect anyone (except my parents) to come. Those who did, I was pleased. Those who didnt, I understood. Everyone has their own shit to deal with and their lives dont stop on my day.

If she doesnt get it, then she might have her own problem. You have to do what's comfortable for you.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

My bridezilla days are not that far behind me... I would probably waver somewhere between understanding and thinking "Well, the baby's with his dad, what's one more night?" on top of feeling bad that your DH and DS wouldn't be coming.

ETA: As not a parent, I was also thinking "Well, it's just 3 nights, and he's 2 and won't remember it, but my wedding is once in a lifetime"

Message edited 1/12/2012 5:21:45 PM.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Things to consider:

- are there wedding-related activities that you'll miss on TH or F morning if you're not there?
- is your friend already expecting you to go on TH?
- what are other guests/BP members doing?
- are there things you can do between now and April to get your son a bit more comfortable going to sleep without seeing you? It's a few nights. It will suck for DH or whoever is watching him and it will suck for a few days until he's back on schedule. But you'll all get through it. (ETA: I have little nieces and have seen my SIL need to be away from time to time for work, weddings and girls' weekends. This is the non-mom "experience" from which I speak.)

If you're not missing any important wedding-related activities, I say go later. You sound unhappy/anxious about the trip, so the more manageable it is for you, the better time you'll have and the better bridesmaid you'll be for your friend.

Message edited 1/12/2012 6:47:54 PM.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I would completely understand that you needed to do what was best for your son, because I have been in that situation. One of my BP members had a son who was two when we got married, and there were things that she was unable to participate in. To me, it was totally understandable.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Message edited 1/12/2012 9:00:01 PM.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

If I were the bride, I would be understanding, but that's me. Not in my nature to be a bridezilla.

(1) it is asking a lot to have people travel out of the country for a wedding.
(2) it is asking a lot when people have children. arrangements have to be made for the children if they come or if they stay at home.

If you do decide to go, please enjoy and don't feel guilty for leaving DS at home. DH should be capable of taking care of your son for a few days and nights. Maybe before you go, daddy should start DS's bedtime routine so that DS has an easier time while you are dancing on bars or on the beach under the moonlight.

I would be torn about the extra day. Part of me would want to go, part of me would want to stay.

Alas I do not have children, but have experince being an auntie with many an overnight or weekend babysitting gig. Some tears at bedtime, but nothing so traumatizing to my nephew that he never slept over again and again.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Posted by Ophelia

I am just hoping you will all tell me she'll be too busy and excited to miss me the extra day

Message edited 1/13/2012 10:54:19 AM.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I was the last of my friends to get married so by the time it was my turn everyone had kids...I never got a bachelorette party (not that i really wanted one at 34..haha) and ended up going to fittings alone at times...I understood they were all busy but I felt a bit forgotten and sad at times. I'm sure your friend will appreciate whatever time you can give her.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

If I were the bride I would be fine with it.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I'd be more than fine with what you're doing. Most people get one "day." IMO, anyone (childless or not) asking anyone (childless or not) to give them a weekend in an exotic locale needs to understand that she is asking for a lot more than most do--and be grateful to anyone who even approximates what she wants.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

If I were the bride I would completely understand. It's a lot to expect of people to travel for a wedding to begin with, but having young children would make it so much more difficult. I think you're being a great friend by even going at all! If I were you, I would go on Friday, leave on Sunday, like you planned, but just try to really be in the moment while you are there and focus on your friend as much as possible on her big day, knowing that your DS will be in good hands at home with your DH.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

You may have made your decision by now, but I'm only just seeing this.

If I were your friend, I would be completely okay with a shortened trip on your part. You're there for one of the most important events of her life, and any of the goings-on before or after the ceremony are just add-ons to the celebratory time.

Have fun!

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I feel like once you have a destination wedding like that, you have to assume that people in your bridal party .. guests.. etc.. will not be able to attend some or all of the wedding festivities. Maybe I'm wrong here... but if it's THAT important to her that everyone is there for everything, she should do those things locally.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Crashing, because I do have a child, but I think you are shorting yourself a little too if you go later. You don't have the time to spend with friends the way you used to and for an extra night with really good girlfriends, I think you should go on Thursday. Your DS is home with family and will be 100% fine.

It sounds to me like the bride is a close enough friend that she would be OK with whatever you decide.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I will be honest...I think I would have a momentary attitude and be a little peeved, seeing that is my wedding...but I would completely get over it. However, that said, I know I would remember not having my best friend at the wedding and having those memories. I think if you did go it would mean the world to her.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

I'm crashing in because I was in the exact same situation a few years ago. I wound up going Friday to Sunday and it sucked!!! I would never do that to myself again. My advice is to go for as long as possible, or don't go at all. By the time I actually arrived on Friday I had dinner and a few drinks. I woke up super early on Saturday to get some beach time. Then I had to be in the brides room by 11:30 to start getting ready. The wedding festivities lasted the whole day. Then I had to wake up and leave. I felt like I spent more time traveling then enjoying any of it. Tack on the $1500 price tag, and it just didn't seem worth it.

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Thank you. I am going to book soon and s ll ooo www lll yyy swinging to the Thursday idea lol. but I am and always was planning on going for at least 3 days. there seems to be some confusion.

I appreciate all of your inputs. my friend IS so wonderful and understanding. the very thing that makes me WANT to be there as much as I can. If she was a bridezilla with that "once in the lifetime" attitude I probably wouldn't go at all. i cannot deal with that type of thing.

thanks again!

Re: Posting this here for your unique perspective. how would you feel about this?

Eh, I'm not a bridezilla. You can ask my bridesmaids. I was the most chill and laid back bride. I had BM's miss my shower, miss my rehearsal, do weird stuff that annoyed me in pictures, bail on my bach party as soon as we got to the club and I shrugged it off.I think saying it's "Once in a Lifetime" isn't being a bridezilla, it's a fact. This is a once in a lifetime experience for you and your friend to share together.

It sounds like you were already planning to be down there for a decent amount of time anyway, so it sounds like you have it under control. At first it sounded like you were going to swoop and and swoop out for just the wedding and the day before, which seemed unneccessarily rushed considering your DS is in very capable hands. I do think the fact that you have a child does mean you don't have to be there for every group manicure.

Enjoy the trip!