Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

Has IF changed your feelings toward your friends?

My "best friend" is someone I have know for 22 years. In general, she is very self-centered. She had a tough upbringing, so I cut her a lot of slack usually for the ego bubble she lives in. She has a lot of redeeming qualities that have kept us going.

There has been some "big stuff" (the wedding, our 30th birthdays, etc.) where she was pretty unsupportive even though I have been there to nurse her through every problem. I rationalize this by telling myself she has a lot going on; she's a single mom with kids and I know she doesn't have as much of herself to give as I do.

Over the summer, she sent her kids away for the summer, quit her job, and moved into her boyfriend's apartment while she stored her stuff for the summer in my extra room. She had no obligations and she was still just absent...as if nothing was going on with me. At most I'd hear from her once a month: a weekday text with a last minute invite to the beach or she'd drop in on me on a Tuesday while she picked up some clothes and expect me to just be available to hang out (befuddled if I...gasp...had other plans).

In general I have just felt like I am only relevant to her when she is unhappy or has a problem she needs to talk out. And here I am, going through this horrible thing, and she's missing. I started avoiding her, and then last week she sent me an email about how we both have "bones to pick with each other" and let's "bury the hatchet." I sent her an email back the gist of which was that I have been upset that she hasn't been there for me, and that I am open to talking, but that I don't want to just exchange apologies and go on the same way as if everything is fine.

She has not responded. I don't know if IF is making me irrational. Maybe I should call her and "bury the hatchet," but I feel like this battle has made me really intolerant of unsupportive friends. I feel after everything, she should have shown an interest in checking in on me to see how I have been doing...like I have done for her so many times before. I am reluctant to let go of a friendship that is 2 decades old, but I also feel like going on the way we have with this latest injury makes me feel like the doormat/a$$hole who gives and gives and never receives.

IDK, WWYD?

Message edited 10/18/2011 5:14:25 PM.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

I would call and talk to her. Better yet, plan some time to meet.

I will be your friend. I would love someone who would be there for me and know what is going on IF wise.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

wow!! this sounds a lot like my "best friend" except she doesnt have kids and is living with depression. I cut her slack since she had a tough childhood but she is spoiled rotten & her way of communication is texting.
I told her abut our IF issues just a few months ago. I thought that by telling her I would have a supportive friend to listen to me & check in on me once in a while. I have been there for her through everything.
You have every right to feel the way you do. Struggling w/IF is NOT an easy thing. The ladies on here (who I have never met) have been more supportive that my so called best friend.
I decided a few weeks ago that she isnt someone I need in my life & that we stayed friend for the sake of it just b/c we have been friends for over 10 yrs.
You can sit & talk w/her if you feel comfortable & you feel things will change.
In my case, it wasnt worth it b/c I tried.
Like PP said, I will be your friend, I would love to have that support system from someone who has gone through the same struggles

*edited for sp

Message edited 10/18/2011 5:21:57 PM.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

I had the same problem with 2 of my best friends. I was there for weddings, bach parties (while miscarrying my first pregnancy) and I never batted an eyelash. As time goes on, I think our definition of "friend" changes.The IF process really has a big toll on our everyday lives (appts, injections, heartbreaks) and I don't think someone who doesn't go threw it will ever understand. Unfortunately my friendships are now all different, I lean on my husband more, I realize I am better off only surrounding myself with people who will really be there for me. It's one thing to be around for all the great things, its a different friend that sticks around and calls your during the bad times. I am sorry that you are going threw that. My advice would be to put more into your friendships with people that will give it back to you. You deserve better!!

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

I had a freind like that, before even going through all this IF crap. She was me, me, me all the time that I got sick of it. Our nights were spent analyzing every detail of convos with her current crush. ever single time! I gave her many many opportunities to redeem herself, to have more "us" time but it always turend into "me". So, slowly I pulled back because it was literally making me angry and she wouldnt understand!

FF a few years later, and we haven't talked regularly. One day I got an email, "you are invited to view so and so's pictures on shutterfly" and lo and behold there was a newborn baby!! she didnt have time, 9 months previously, to tell me she was pregnant! (again, before IF issues). It just made me see what kind of friend she always was. I've since made new friends, who are way more mature and care about me.

Sometimes you just outgrow your friends.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

I wouldn't assume anything and would definitely put out how you're feeling, etc....... At least then if the friendship doesn't last, it wasn't because of something silly like a misunderstanding.

This process has taught me a lot as far as friendships go......... I've heard all sorts of inappropriate comments. One of my friends got pregnant VERY easily and her pregnancy ended in an abortion. She literally said to me... "Does it bother you that it's so hard for you to have a baby but it was so easy for ME and I don't even want a baby?" .. Umm I didn't know what to say to that one Then there's another one of my friends who stopped talking to me as much since she got pregnant and had her baby. I guess she feels awkward since I haven't been fortunate in the baby department lately............. but that's still a pretty lame excuse.

I've definitely learned a lot about friendship in this process.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

You have every right to feel the way you do!

I have let go of two friendships during this process. One friend went through IVF and had her baby. When it was my time to go through IVF, she was no where to be found. Another friend was someone who, like someone else posted, it was me, me, me. Both of these friendships I held on to because I was friends with them for a long time. After all the infertility, it only made me realize they hardly ever were there for me, even before all this. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

Re: Need Advice: Unsupportive Friend (long)

This whole process has definitely been an eye opener. You have every right to express how you feel especially to her, not to sound cliche, but that's what friends are there for. In return she should want to try to work things out, now that yo uhad to tell her what is wrong. Some people don't know how to be there for others, and it seems that this is what is going with her.

I have a small group of very close friends, and I can honestly say that they have not really been there. They were around when it came time to party, drink, dance, etc. But once life got serious everything changed. I don't expect them to be up my a**, but a "How are you doing?" and then not really listening to how I respond, is not support. I made the decision to distance myself from a good friend, because while she was struggling to get pregnant I was there for her, but as soon as she had her son things changed. Every conversation she would complain about how much time a child takes up, and that how lucky I am that I don't have kids yet. She KNOWS what I am going through and she has the nerve to say things like this. Others are there, they ask how I am doing, but I feel that it is more out of obligation than sincere interest. I have not been answering the phone because when the topic comes up, I get upset and cry. So I emailed one and apologized for not answering the phone, and explained why. The next email I received from her was an invite to do a scavenger hunt in the city.

Maybe I/we are thinking to much into all of this, but I strongly feel that we have the right to. They are not going through this, and if they are there to accept our support and shoulder to cry on, why can't we. Sorry this is so long, but this whole thing is just so frustrating.

I hope you work things out so that you are at peace with everything. If it doesn't work out, you have us