Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry! Update.. BFN

I feel like I cant take this anymore.. Trust me, I know that a lot more girls have gone through a lot more then I have... We've been TTC for nearly 3 years now and seeing an RE for about 3 months.
I suffer from anxiety.. BAD and have been one meds for it for the past 4 years. I have very recently weaned myself off the drugs once I started seeing an RE.
I did it the safe way, not cold turkey, but its still taking a major toll on me.
As of today, Im 13dpiui.. I tested yesterday morning and got a BFN. Tomorrow is my Beta and Im sure that will be a BFN as well.
As you can see, its 2:40 am and this is not unusual for me to be awake with my thoughts. Between TTC/Infertility and my increased anxiety, I am a mess. I cant fall asleep and when I do, I can stay asleep.
During the day, I have zero motivation and I am so sad. I feel like my world is spinning out of control and dont know what to do about it. I have the best DH a girl could ask for and a pretty supportive family as well.
I have 2 pregnant girls at work which does not help. I feel like I am such a b*tch to them which is just not me but I truly cannot stomach looking at their sono pics
or hearing about their registries, etc. I feel like everything they do annoys me. And I know thats not right. They deserve to have their moment.
My DH and I work in the travel industry and Ive put off booking so many trips over the past couple of years because "oh, I might be pregnant then, so we cant go" only to be sitting here, babyless and depressed.
Ive always had a weight problem but now its worse then ever. I turn to food for everything.
I just feel like taking a couple months off would really help me. I could exercise, adjust my mind/body to dealing with my anxiety without medication, I could travel (my DH is going to be 30 in January and I would love to surprise him with a trip to Europe, I could actually enjoy the Holidays, etc, etc...)
Theres just this little voice inside my head saying "what if? what if the months off would have been THE one, for everything to align and me to get pregnant".
I want a baby more then anything but right now, I just feel like my mind/body is a hazardous environment to bring a baby into. Are these common fears and do they go away once you get pregnant? I dont know.. My mom is a VERY positive person (we actually tell her she lives in Candyland) but she seems to think all of my anxiety issues and everything else will just disappear when I get pregnant). I know Ive jumped around on here a lot and whoever reading this might not even really understand what it is that Im asking, but I guess I just needed to VENT and get this off my chest. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

**Well, just got the call, BFN.

Message edited 10/11/2011 2:17:42 PM.

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

You need a right now! I know the process can be frustrating but see what happens with the beta. If its negative talk to your RE about your frustration. He/she will listen.

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

Many of us can identify with the feelings of sadness, putting things off because "what if" and the world spinning out of control. to you. This is a grueling process, and I'm sorry you're stuck fighting this battle with the rest of us.

But it sounds like your first priority needs to be wrangling in that anxiety. Gaining weight, losing sleep, and stress hormones coursing through your veins all the time will only lessen your chances and drag this thing out. TRUST ME, I know that's easier said than done. I've gained too much weight from going through this for 2 years, and my doctor officially said I need to start trying to take some of it off.

I started seeing a therapist because the emotions were too much to manage after my most recent failed IVF. She recommended this guided meditation CD from...I think it's the Domar center. It's not bad for clearing my head and bringing my emotions back to zero. I know she has a few books about dealing with the connection between emotions and IF. I also picked up some fertility yoga DVDs that were very successful at thickening my lining but also help me feel more relaxed. And Workout one on this yoga series has been a long-time favorite for destressing and getting a killer workout.

GL

Message edited 10/10/2011 7:57:39 AM.

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

No one ever tells you how hard this process can be.

We have been dealing with IF for 3 years too, so be assured that as unfortunate as it is, you are not alone and these feelings are normal. When we were forced to take a break it was horrible, the "What if's" was the worst part of the break. But, before we started IVF, WE decided we needed a break, and I have to admit it was the best thing for us. We were able to just be a couple again, not an infertile couple dealing with appt after appt, and disapointment after disapointment. We were satisfied knowing that WE made the decision and not that we were forced to take a break. Like pp said, a break could help in dealing with the anxiety, and working out is great idea. It will help you feel better about yourself and hopefully lower your anxiety level.

GL!

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

Im so sorry you're feeling this way.
First I can start by saying you're not alone. Many of us have dealt with the lows of IF and as gina409 put it so perfectly to me when I had a breakdown, IF is a m$#%#$$$!! It really does mess with your head.
Sometimes you dont know whether you need advice or just to vent and Im not sure which you need right now.
I can say that I also suffer from anxiety and took myslf off (weaned off) meds 2 years ago when we first started trying. I have had some difficulty dealing with it but I have found that when I exercise at least 30 minutes a day-3-4 days a week, it's the equivalent to taking meds for me. Exercise does help! Now, I dont think I would need to go back on as long as I keep active.
a PP poster suggested yoga, it really does help!!

Its good that you have support from DH and your fam. I do as well, but sometimes as the woman you just feel like noone gets it. You're led down a path of fear, frustration, doubt, anger, everything. These are not the feelings we anticipated having in thinking about bringing a baby into the world with our husbands. Its really not fair sometimes.
I can't make it better as I wish I could for everyone on this board, including myself but I can say that if you ever need to chat, please feel free to fm. We all know what you're going through and many of us have been up at 2:40am typing away because of this heartbreaking struggle.

Wishing you the best..

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

I can completely understand what you are going through. It took us 2 1/2 years to conceve and a year and a half of that was with 2 REs. Throughout my IF journey I saw a therapist speciailizing in IF (she had gone through it as well) and went to acupuncture regularly. In fact, I continue to go to acupuncture now that I am pregnant and have gone to therapy, although not as regularly. I found these to be great ways to help reduce my stress and anxiety. My husband took up running and now runs marathons (crazy!!!) but it was how he coped b/c he had a hard time talking about it. Having a supportive family is very important and I am glad you are reaching out to them. Please know you are not alone and there are avenues out there that can help. Do what you need to do and what is BEST for you!

Message edited 10/10/2011 9:40:25 AM.

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

i am so so sorry you are feeling this way and going through it and i can understand 100%.

i dont have a diagnosed anxiety issue but i definitely was borderline and i was letting it affect everything. that was before going thruogh 2 years of IF. During my IF struggle it as heightened and on top of that I was depressed jealous sad angry - every emotion you are freeling.

i was lucky enough to get pg on my IVF, but beleive it or not those ugly feeling still do not go away. i still can not attend showers or christenings just yet- my mental wounds are still fresh and i do really hope that it fades..
iif changes you as a person and it will change your life forever.

the only thing i can say to you is that it helps to find others who are in your situation and talk to them openly. the IF board is great. but you also need people who you interact with on a face to face level- a good friend who is understanding or maybe your good firneds might not understand but your coworker would- just someone to vent to - someone that can sympathize with you - someone who can tell you how sorry they are about your iui or bfn.....i found a few friends like that nad it really made my journey a touch more bearable.

in additon, i wish i had seeked the help of a counselor. i really think that therapy would have helped me cope better. i dont know why i didnt seek it. to be honest, even PG, i still need it.

i wat you to know that whatever you do, you need to try to keep the faith that no matter what, come hell or high water- you will be a mother. and you will be the best most loving most grateful mom in the world because you went thorough a special journey to get that baby and thatu nforgettable journey will make you a better strong nad more empathetic person today...

i will be praying for you and i realyl do hoep that you feel better.
the sting will eventually wear off and it will be time to concentrate on your next steps.

before you know it that feeling of hope will be back again....

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

do you have to be off the medication? i have severe anxiety disorder and i have been on my lexapro etc the whole time ttc. when i have gotten pg idont take xanax and lower my dose of lexapro but .... without lex and therapy i would be even more of a mess. you can fm me if you like...cause i totally get it!!! xoxo

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

first,

i could have pretty much written your post word for word. i don't have anxiety issues but i definitely struggle with depression and was on medication for it for a long time. i weaned off when i met my DH because i thought we'd have kids "soon" (little did i know) but it was SO hard to get off those drugs. so i definitely empathize. even weaning the right way, is hard! i also have been TTC for 3 years. we've had multiple losses and now we've gone through 4 IUI's with no luck.

a couple of weeks ago, i hit my breaking point and finally said i'm done for now. i'm not even thinking of it as a "break" because breaks have definite ends. for me i just needed to get babies off my brain indefinitely. i know that we will start trying again but i can't even deal with the pressure of knowing when that will be.

i also have a weight problem and going through IF treatments and depression has made it SO MUCH WORSE. so i need time for me. i've never been good about going to the gym or eating well, but i need to at least TRY!

sorry to ramble, i just know how you feel. all of that said, you have to do what is right for YOU! luckily i have a GREAT therapist who helps me figure out what is best for me. if you aren't talking to somebody already, it may be helpful to seek out a therapist or support group of some sort. especially since you just weaned off meds. if you feel overly stressed and like you aren't taking care of yourself, then maybe some time off will do you some good. i know it's a hard decision to make and honestly everyday i tell DH how much i want a baby (that hasn't changed) but i know some time off will do me good. it sounds like you have a ton of support around you and i'm sure everybody would understand if you needed to step away from TTC for awhile.

PLEASE FM me if you ever want to talk/vent! sorry this is SO long

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I know that after my last loss in May, I did not think I could handle anymore. Over 2 years of trying, 4 early losses, and IF had really taken over my life. I felt depressed, and hated feeling that way. I told DH that I needed to take a break. He is the type to keep plugging on, but I couldn't do it. We were going to be moving onto IVF, and I needed the summer to prepare and relax. I needed a vacation. Let me tell you, it was the best thing I could have done. Not living life around appointments, and not feeling like my life WAS IF, was amazing. I felt like a normal person again, and it was what I needed to move forward. I highly recommend taking a break, for your mental and emotional health, if that's what you think you need.

I agree with those PP who said to try yoga for managing your anxiety. Also, are you in therapy? Having someone to talk to can really help with managing anxiety. A therapist can also work with you on some coping skills for managing anxiety. Finally, I did some acupuncture during my break...it was so relaxing!

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

I am so sorry you are going through this and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have not stopped taking meds. Is there medication you can take that is safe for pregnancy? There are days I really don't think I can get out of bed it makes me so depressed. IF is a terrible thing to deal with if you don't suffer from this. I know there are some support groups for IF.

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

first

second..i am glad that my horrible potty mouth has helped some(lol cathy)..IF is MOTHER**CKER

third...i agree with the girls..this whole proccess suucks..it can take over your life and is beyond frustrating

i wish ihad better words to get you through it but i do not..i need them for myself as we all do

but i would def worry about the anxiety now..i do not knwo if it goes away when you get pregnant but i can say my sister has terrible anxiety and she was ok while she was pregnant

i would def look into a vacation for your dh's birthday..go enjoy yourselves!

we are all here for you guys!

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry! - THANK YOU!!!!!!

Hi Girls,

Sorry I am just getting on now to respond to all of your amazing, king, loving, caring and honest advice. Ive been reading them throughout the day while on breaks at work but havent been able to respond until now.
I think each and every one of you are angels.. no one has been able to "get me" or get where Im coming from and you girls who are complete strangers have given me a lot to think about all while setting my mind at ease. I feel some kind of a bond with everyone because of what we're all going through or have gone through.
Every chance I got to sign on real quick at work, I would read another response which had me in tears and at the same time, gave me this kind of hope that I havent felt before in this process.
I do definitely think I am going to seek the help of a therapist. Considering I have been dealing with mental health issues for a number of years, Ive seen my fair share of therapists/psychologists. This time, Id like to find one that, A- takes my health insurance (Oxford) and B- either specializes in or has had some kind of infertility experience.
I cant pay out of pocket since Im basically tapped out between my copays and meds.
Plus, I am so interested in getting acupuncture done and I know I will need to have $$ set aside for that as well.
If anyone has any recommendations for therapists and/or acupuncturist, I would GREATLY appreciate it!
Ive done meditation in the past and it has really helped me. Ive been looking for classes but have not been able to find any in my area. (I live in Holbrook and work in Farmingdale).
As far as Yoga, I definitely would try anything but with my added weight, I just dont know if I can get into those positions !
DH and I just went out to dinner and discussed the whole "taking a break" and I think we're both on the same page - Thank god! My brother is getting married on 11-11-11 and I really want to be in the right frame of mind for that, then it will be Xmas followed by My DH's 30th bday which like I said before, Id like to take him to Europe. So I think taking the next 3 months off is the best decision and hopefully I can get back into it mid-January with a much clearer head and a little less chub, lol!
Tomorrow is my beta but the HPT's have been negative so Im really not hopeful about this month.. wouldnt that be ironic though???
Anyway, sorry Ive taken so much of your time but I just wanted to thank you ladies again from the bottom of my heart. You are all amazing and deserve the world. We all do!
I would love to meet you guys so maybe I can attend the next GTG.
Much love to all and good luck!

Re: Having a Hard time - LONG, sorry!

I went to Suffolk County Acupuncture on Rt. 110 in Huntington. Dr. Jim Vitale there is great. I only stopped going b/c the location was very inconvenient for me, but it sounds like it might be good for you.

Best of luck to you. Enjoy your break and take good care of yourself. Hope to meet you at the next GTG!