Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Have you told both families?
Friends?
Co-workers?
Employers (out of necessity because of appointment schedules)?

And who has DH told?

I'm a private person in general so I've only told a few friends. Will probably tell my parents if we don't get lucky after the first few cycles.

DH told his mother and sister (without consulting me first ) because he didn't think "it was a big deal" to share it with them. It leaves me feeling kind of exposed, though -- mostly because my relationship with them is complicated.

Can anyone relate?

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

My parents knew I was seeing an RE as soon as I started. I always figured I'd need some help getting pregnant so it never seemed like a big deal to me. After the frustration of a few failed cycles, my DH told his parents too.
Some of my friends knew I was going through infertility, but it really never seemed like a huge deal to me. At work, my boss knew because I was upfront with him when I started needing time off for appts. Some other people I work with know too.

Honestly, I felt WAY MORE EXPOSED by everybody knowing about the loss, that everyone knowing I'm infertile seemed minor in comparison. Even my students at work knew I lost the pregnancy which to me makes me feel much less of a professional for them to know something THAT personal- but I had no choice. Since I had the loss at 17wks, I had already come out to them as being pregnant. Everyone knew and the worst part was that so many people felt sorry for me or looked at me like I was broken. To this day people at work ask if I am doing alright. I understand people want to be nice but it's just a reminder that everyone knows such very personal business

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

My mom and sister know. I wont tell DHs parents b/c they will be calling me every day to see how I'm doing or to offer "advice" or some other annoying thing. They think that you get married and have kids right away. If you don't then you are just selfish and don't want kids. (MIL said this to me about a family member who was married for just 3 years)

I also told a few friends, most of whom have been through this. I avoid telling the people who I think might say "just relax and it will happen" b/c at his point, I need treatment from a RE and just relaxing isn't going to cut it.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

DH's family knows and some close friends/co-workers know that we're going through IF. As time went on, we got more comfortable with people knowing --also, so they would stop telling us that all we need to do is relax and we'll get pregnant!

No one knew exactly when this IVF cycle was and what we were up to except DH's brother and his best friend (who also conceived through IVF). Now that we have a BFP, DH's family and same friend knows but that's it. I think it's going to be harder keeping this a secret because of how long we've been TTC... they're always watching me!

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

PennyCat, I totally hear what you're saying. (And sorry for your loss!)
For me, that's another reason I'm concerned about a lot of people knowing ahead of time b/c we may have to deal with a loss (at an earlier stage before pregnancy would be announced).

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Posted by bringonthebaby

My mom and sister know. I wont tell DHs parents b/c they will be calling me every day to see how I'm doing or to offer "advice" or some other annoying thing. They think that you get married and have kids right away. If you don't then you are just selfish and don't want kids. (MIL said this to me about a family member who was married for just 3 years)

I also told a few friends, most of whom have been through this. I avoid telling the people who I think might say "just relax and it will happen" b/c at his point, I need treatment from a RE and just relaxing isn't going to cut it.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Posted by AllyCat

DH's family knows and some close friends/co-workers know that we're going through IF. As time went on, we got more comfortable with people knowing --also, so they would stop telling us that all we need to do is relax and we'll get pregnant!

No one knew exactly when this IVF cycle was and what we were up to except DH's brother and his best friend (who also conceived through IVF). Now that we have a BFP, DH's family and same friend knows but that's it. I think it's going to be harder keeping this a secret because of how long we've been TTC... they're always watching me!

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

I struggle with this daily telling people and not telling people. I have learned that people who are not going through this have no idea what it is like. Sandra at Dr. B's office once compared IF to cancer and honestly if a friend had cancer I would send them a card, call them text them to see how they are doing.

In the beginning my husband and I told everyone. We needed and wanted the support from friends and family. It's hard for us to hide since it is what consumes us and what we have been going through for almost 5yrs. I have learned though that I get hurt by family members that know and don't ask how we are. My husbands family disappoints me the most. I have written on facebook what we are going through and my mother in law wrote back saying that even though she and her daughter care they won't send cards or call, they respect our privacy meanwhile I announced on facebook what we want and need.
I love getting cards from friends that know checking up on us. I have one friend who knows and asked me if I mind if she calls to see how I am. I told her no I love it!
This time around though, we have learned to tell the only the ones that truly care. It is hard not telling his family but it hurts us both when they don't call. I have a small family so they know and my mom needs support from her family. My mom has a tough time watching me go through this.
I find the women on this group are my support system and if I feel the need to talk to someone I call on them.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Anyone who is close to me knows about our infertility issues. It makes me feel better talking about it.

What has surprised me the most is who actually cares and who doesn't. The ones I thought would be most supportive have dismissed my concerns and the ones I though couldn't be bothered always ask how I'm doing, what's our progress, etc. . .

The one person that really made me was when I gave them the run down of issues the doc found, one being my underactive thyroid. Out of all the info their ubber supportive response was oh at least you'll lose weight on the meds. . . thanks. . .

Message edited 3/23/2011 11:59:28 AM.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Two years ago, I was someone who didn't tell anyone we were TTC, and who said she wouldn't tell anyone that we were PG until we reached the second trimester.

After my first m/c, we told our immediate families (parents and siblings), along with a few close friends. I needed support from my best friends. A couple of colleagues at work knew as well, b/c they saw that I didn't look good when I came back to work.

Now, when a friend who doesn't know about our struggles asks us about having children, I will often tell them. IF has become such a part of my life that I don't necessarily want to hide it. I'm not ashamed of it, and I hope that if I tell someone what's going on, he or she might hesitate before asking someone else about their plans for children. Granted, two male friends who I told had other friends dealing with IF and still asked me, so who knows.

Long story short, a lot more people know about our IF struggles than I ever thought would. In some ways it helps, b/c I don't need to censor myself when talking to them, but at the same time, I sometimes don't want people asking how it's going b/c I don't feel like talking at that moment.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

I wanted to have kids right after we got married and all of my family and friends knew that. When we started TTC'ing we lost our first pregnancy at 7wks and my immediate family, close friends and coworkers all found out. Some found out because I told them and some because I was out of work for a week and constantly at the doctor's office. sometimes I wish I wasn't so open about it but it has become a huge part of both of our lives. We are always running to appointments and I am constantly canceling dinner plans to instead be in Dr.B's waiting room.

I wouldn't change who knows, but I wish either people would ask me how its going or not bring it up at all
My favorite is " I know they say something is really wrong but I really think if you just forget about it, it will happen" as if forgetting about it will happen at this point!!

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

Exactly - LOL. I don't want to deal with a lot of questions and comments that may be irritating!

And I can't believe what your MIL said!


Yes, she is very critical. I tried to explain how I have friends who had a hard time TTC and how people wonder why they don't have kids yet. She went on how if they were trying for so long they should have adopted by now b/c that's what she would have done. I know the couple mentioned they didn't want to start ttc for 2 yrs so even if they were ttc for a year, it's not that long to even begin IF treatments for some people. It's also a big and personal decision to go on meds, etc.

I have a good relationship with her otherwise, but it really changed my attitude towards her. This is why she isn't allowed in on certain things in our life. If she did know though, she would be up my buttt asking a million questions.

I'm really glad I told a few people though- mostly friends who have been through it. It's nice to have that support and they email me asking how things are going, etc which is nice. Ironically, most are pregnant so it makes me hopeful since they went through it and were sucessful.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

For almost 2 years, no one. Part denial, part privacy. After starting IVF I told close friends and family because at that point I already had been thru SO MUCH. I really couldn't physically hide it anymore, and I was glad to let it out finally and get some support...wait lifted off my shoulders etc...Then I had 2 losses and clammmmmmed up again. Not only did I feel exposed, but as if I were letting eveyone down, because at that point, everyone was emotionally vested and I felt as if I had to console them.

I was 11 weeks pregnant when I told my family this time and I am STILL a nervous mess almost daily.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

I could have written this myself! Sorry to quote, Caren! IF has changed every single relationship in my life. Whether good or bad, they've changed.
I'm a BIG advocate of IF. I will talk about it with everyone. Whoever asks, I'm not ashamed, I don't hide. It's a disease and it affects more and more couples each day. I try to educate, dispell myths, etc. I share the advice on RESOLVE's page, post seminars about upcoming events, etc. I have had 5 miscarriages. Each one has changed me. It's part of WHO I am now and WHO I will become. It's not a secret.


Wow! Im really interested! I often visit the Resolve site too. I do believe Im on this journey for a reason. My insurance does not cover IVF so we pay out of pocket. I know there are some states that pay for IVF. I would love to be a part of getting IVF covered for everyone. It is a disease and many women don't talk about it which is fine but it's the reasons they don't about it that makes me sad. The comments that people make are horrible because IF is not spoken about. Please keep me updated on what I can do to make a difference.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

I have a select number of friends that know about our situation. Over time I ended up telling the ladies at work about it too. They are all very supportive and not pushy for information so it is nice to talk about it when I want to on my terms. My parents both know and my brothers know because I told their spouses about it.

On the other hand, DH's family does not know. He mentioned to his brother that we were TTC back a while ago and his brother has a big mouth and told the whole family. A few people started to say things to me and I had to shut it down fast. Its just not something I feel comfortable talking about. I had to send my mother in law an email explaining that having a baby is not something I want to discuss at this time. She completely understood, fortunately.

Before I was married two years ago I was very open about how I wanted to be a mom ASAP. Unfortunately that has caused some questions because obviously its been awhile for the girl who "couldn't wait" to be a mom....

Anyway, I completely understand that you want to share things on your terms. I felt the same way with DH's family. Fortunately they have backed off and I haven't had to explain anything....


Good luck!!! and baby dust always...

Message edited 3/24/2011 6:52:27 PM.

Re: Spinoff: Who have you told about your infertility?

the longer it goes one, the more people i end up telling. at first it was DH, my boss, and BEST friends. then each of our mothers. now the circle of friends who know has widened + my immediate supervisor at work because of a mix-up with coverage when i was supposed to be out for a monitoring appointment.

the longer it goes on, the less of a secret it is since i'm not pg yet and the more open i end up feeling about it.