know what really gets to me?

I have several friends that I've told our IF story to, in varying degrees of detail, at all different times over the past year or so

Not one of then has asked me since then about how we're doing, or what's going on with our treatment.

I get that people might feel awkward or not know what to say..but it really makes me question their friendship when they can't be bothered to inquire how we're doing with it all

I'm totally fine with talking about it..if only my friends would ask

Re: know what really gets to me?

I have gotten that too from a friend I was close to. Honestly, at first I thought she was just awkward around the whole IF thing... but then when I got pregnant she didn't seem to care much about that either

Then again... I have some friends who know the situation and have gotten overbearing to the point where I refuse to discuss it anymore. After my loss and I started trying 2 months later, I had some friends who were very open about their opinion that they thought I was trying too soon.

In a perfect world, people would just ask how we're doing and just lend an ear to listen.... but... I guess that's what LIF is for!

I'm looking forward to next Friday!

Re: know what really gets to me?

Posted by PennyCat


In a perfect world, people would just ask how we're doing and just lend an ear to listen.... but... I guess that's what LIF is for!

I'm looking forward to next Friday!

Re: know what really gets to me?

Unfortunately, it's always during the hard times that people find out who their true friends are.... At the time you need some support and a couple of words of wisdom, you find out that you are all alone.....

That is why I find these boards to be so helpful with helping me cope with my IF issues..... I am so grateful for getting to chat with you ladies and can't wait to finally meet you on Friday!!!!

Re: know what really gets to me?

Re: know what really gets to me?

im so sorry

i told a few close friends what we were going through after my second chemical / m/c. they were super supportive and always asked me how things were going afterwards. although sometimes it was more annoying to have to update people. and then when i told them we were doing IVF i knew i wouldnt have a lot of time afterwards before they started asking questions, so when i did get a BFP i pretty much HAD to tell by 6w since so many people knew we were doing it.

and although the pros outweigh the cons, there are def cons to having friends that know and are supportive too!!

Re: know what really gets to me?

I don't get it at all. Some people are so supportive and understanding while others have no clue. I don't understand what is so hard about just asking how are you doing? Im not even expecting a phone call, a text maybe or a card to say we are thinking about you.

I do agree that it is awkward for some people, I totally understand that some people don't know how to react. I actually wrote on Facebook what my husband and I need and do you think his family got it? Nope! In fact his mom wrote to me telling me that she doesn't call us because she respects our privacy and they don't send cards. HELLO I just wrote what we needed! His sister never calls him, it's my husbands family who has no clue, except his father who is the only one.
My husbands friends at work are all supportive and understanding. They understand and text him and pray for us. My friends are great too but there are a few who just don't care. I just think that for me it is easy to be there for someone no matter what they are going through yes even if I didn't walk in their shoes. I have realized and accepted that some people don't get it and never will. Im just glad I have the support of everyone here and the other website I go to and my family.

Re: know what really gets to me?

Posted by Otherme

Posted by PennyCat


In a perfect world, people would just ask how we're doing and just lend an ear to listen.... but... I guess that's what LIF is for!

I'm looking forward to next Friday!

very true.. this board is a big help!

looking forward to seeing you guys on Friday as well!

Re: know what really gets to me?

i think IF makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. it's like when someone dies, and all the sympathy in the world seems insignificant up against something so difficult and impossible to change.

Re: know what really gets to me?

I'm a talker. I have to talk things out or I'll go crazy, so I have told a couple of good friends at work and a few of my best friends. It has been a tremendous support. I can't imagine not having that, so I'm so sorry your friends have not been there for you.

I agree with other posters that they might be uncomfortable, but I really don't think it's an excuse. I do have a few friends that specifically told me they won't ask questions unless I bring it up because they don't want to force me to talk about it. I feel like it might be good to bring it up to one or two of your best friends again to see their response. Otherwise, this might just give you a clue to their character.

I'm sorry you're going through this. We're always around.

Re: know what really gets to me?

I've told a lot of people in my family and friends that DH and I are going through infertility treatments. A few out of them will ask every once in a while, but they don't want to hear any details or anything or how we feel about it. It's a horrible feeling to feel so alone, but I'm happy I have this board for support.

Re: know what really gets to me?

I agree that it's frustrating when people who know what's going on don't ask how you're doing. My friends who are aware of the situation run the gamut when it comes to asking, and at least one (a guy), when I casually referenced going to the doctor in an email, said something along the lines of, "I am always wondering what is going on with you guys and getting pregnant, but I don't want to ask because it's such a sensitive subject. Since you brought it up, hows it going?" I agree with the other posters who said that people often feel awkward about bringing it up. They don't know what to ask, or don't know if it's something you want to discuss at that point, so they just don't.

Honestly, with my friends who know, I just bring it up in conversation sometimes, because IF IS what's going on in my life, and if I don't talk about it while we're catching up, I really don't have a heck of a lot more to talk about!

Just to show the whole spectrum of responses, I've received I want to share my experiences with three of my closest girlfriends.

GF#1: She has two kids, and we don't talk frequently. I told her about my 1st m/c and awhile back, that I was going to start seeing a RE. She never asks, but last time we spoke, I just brought it up. She was interested and supportive.

GF #2: Married, no children. Also dealing with IF issues, and that's ALL we talk about these days. We actually have to make an effort to talk about other things!

GF#3: Single, no children. Super-supportive, always asking how I'm doing and telling me about her friend, cousin, or someone else who has dealt with IF, and offering to find out names of doctors, treatments, etc. She's fabulous, but sometimes she asks so much, and I DON'T actually feel like talking about it!

So, I think it's really hard for people to find the right balance between showing interest and being supportive. I also think that it's okay for you to bring it up in conversation with a friend who knows about it and who you want to talk to about it. Some people really just don't know how to start talking about it or whether they should ask.

Re: know what really gets to me?

It's hard when the people we expect to be a support for us let us down. I think IF makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say or if they should bring it up. I think it's even harder for people who haven't gone through it. I've found the people who are the best support are those who've been through it. I had one friend, who knew what was going on and would ask me how things were and then not even pay attention when I answered. I just stopped sharing with her. If she asks me, I just give her a vague answer. Others have been great.