ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

so i have a friend, more like a sister.. we've been friends since we were 8. been through pretty much everything together.
she has a 2 year old son- DH and i have no kids yet, due to fertility issues.
SOO she moved to PA, a 2 hour drive from us. Shes always saying "we should get together- you should come to my house" now- its a 4 hour drive round trip... thats a lot to do in one day. there are outlets in tannersville, PA that are about halfway between us. but i suggest meeting there and she says " he doesn't like shopping, he would be happier playing with you at the house" ok... so why can't they come to my house just one time?? i understand hes young and its a lot of driving... but they take him everywhere in the car on trips- her parents live 2 hours away, her brother lives down in VA and they take him there, her cousin lives in arkansas- hes been there a few times. so its not like the kid can't do a car trip! i'm sure he has his toys and stuff at their house-- but she could bring some stuff here for him to play with for a couple hours! its not like hes a tiny baby anymore!
its just driving me nuts that, again because i don't have kids yet i have to be the one to do all the driving and go out of my way...

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I can totally see your point. I would gently say something like this to her.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I have come to the conclusion that when you are "childless" people with children do not come to you. I will not say that this is the case in ALL scenarios but in my life I never expect it any other way, I am just starting to come to terms with this!

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I feel like many parents think the grass is simplistic on the childless side so you should always go to them.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I understand your point. It still is a big trip, kids or no kids!

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I agree that it's selfish of them to be this way - but in a way I prefer going to them that way I don't have to have their kids in my house.

I don't want to rearrange my house and lock up my cat because your kids are coming over and can't be trusted not to break anything.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

It's frustrating.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Some people just don't get it.
We are childless therefore can rearrange our lives just to suit yours.

I am cracking up at one thing you wrote :
" he doesn't like shopping, he would be happier playing with you at the house"
So, you as an adult are to be a play date for a two year old.

If you do go, make it a weekend trip where you visit your friend for a few hours, then you and DH head off somewhere, to a B&B or a hotel, and then do your own thing. Go to the outlets on your way home the next day. This way it's not such an exhausting trip.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I have a friend that has only come to see us once. Every other time, we have gone up to see them. I've decided now that we have our own house, they have no excuse and I'm not going up there again until they come down here.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

That happens to DH and I a lot too. I can see where the parents are coming from - it IS harder for them to pack an extra little person and all their accessories and work around naptimes and whatever else to come to see us than it is for me and DH to go to see them, and we don't have toys and kid things for children to play with at our house, so either they have to pack the entertainment or their child will be bored and irritable. But at the same time, it's really not fair for us to ALWAYS have to be the ones to travel wherever to see whomever - that's inconvenient for us, too.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

We had this issue with family when I was younger. I remember they could NEVER come to see us we always had to go to them b/c we were the older kids. It was worse b/c we had school and they didn't.

Anyway, it is one of those annoying things that childless couples have to hear and deal with all the time. Honestly, a few of my friendships ended b/c I was sick and tried of having to be the one to travel all the time, just b/c I didn't have kids! Even the one's I remained friendly with all had to tell me HOW HARD IT WAS to travel for my wedding b/c of their kids. Bite me!! We got dragged all over the universe as kids, and loved every minute of it.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Sorry to crash but I wanted to add my $0.02.

I agree with you.. it’s a little mean to expect you to do all the traveling. I realize people think its extra work to put the kid together to get out of the house, but really – you have to do it anyway to get groceries or some chore.. why not for a friend? I get the toddler proof in theory (mine isn’t that age) but I guess I’d just watch after my kid.

I don’t expect my friends lives to change cause mine did. Its unreasonable.

Basically my friends are precious to me.. as much as my child. Nothing in life is simple, you always make little sacrifices.. but such a small sacrifice to visit a friend is so worth it if the relation is dear to you. This is JMHO.

I’m a mom who used to LOATHE the idea of children and so I guess I have a different point of view. My life has changed but not so much that it affects others so negatively. We loved to travel before so we’ve been getting AJ to be the same way. Maybe that’s just us.

I agree with other posters here.. maybe talking to her and making your points clear can help.

Good Luck

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Sorry to crash as well, but this happened to me with a friend awhile ago actually (at the time I was single, no children, she had two children). I always had to go see her, or we didn't get together. I suggested places we could go that were midway so neither of us needed to travel that far, but that never worked. One day, I thought about it and realized she never travelled to me that much, even before we had children. But at that time, we both lived in the city and it wasn't a big deal for me to go see her, so I didn't notice. now that I have a child, I can see why she wasn't eager to travel, but I do still think there was a little more that could have been done.

We eventually dropped out of touch sad to say, but at some point, there does need to be some give and take. Talk to your friend and explain your point of view.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Have to crash as well!! I could totally relate to what you feel. I always had to drive to see my friend who had a child when I didn't have any. We lived about an hour and 1/2 apart. At first I really didn't mind. I was understanding to the fact that it was harder for her since she had a kid and I didn't, but as time passed I realized that it had been YEARS since she had even offered to drive. I really felt taken advantage of. If I didn't drive to her, we didn't spend time together at all. I stopped volunteering to drive to her as much, cutting down our visits from 3-4 times a month to 1 a month and as I figured, she still never offered to drive to me.

Towards the end she mentioned how we hardly see each other anymore, I told her I was tired of being the only one driving. I suggested we alternate driving each time. She said it was easier for her not to drive, yes easier for her not for me. She truly felt that her life was more difficult and harder to work around because she had a child and I didn't. I started to realize that this was only part of the one sidedness of our friendship. Our friendship faded away, not that this was the only reason for it.

As a mom I try hard to be fair, do people drive to me more than I drive to them, yes, but I try to drive to friends and family whenever I can so that no one feels their kindness is being taken advantage of as mine did.

If you feel this friend is as close to you as a sister then give it a shot and bring up your frustrations to her. Tell her that it would be great if you could take turns driving. Hope it works out for you!

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Posted by puppylove



As a mom I try hard to be fair, do people drive to me more than I drive to them, yes, but I try to drive to friends and family whenever I can so that no one feels their kindness is being taken advantage of as mine did.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I've been in your shoes many times. Your friend should make the effort for you sometimes. However, I think you should be more accepting of her answer about shopping. She has probably seen that her son is difficult to shop with. A bad shopping day for him would be no fun for either of you. She might not want to subject you to the type of day that would make her son more difficult.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

I think she should drive to you and spend the day at your house! I would tell her that you want to spend a nice day together and next time you will go to her place.

As for the outlets - I know my son is a monster shopping so I could understand her not wanting to do that....but how about leaving him at home and the two of you just spend the day shopping?

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Posted by Jackie24

Posted by puppylove



As a mom I try hard to be fair, do people drive to me more than I drive to them, yes, but I try to drive to friends and family whenever I can so that no one feels their kindness is being taken advantage of as mine did.

I love people like you

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

i guess i'm in the minority, i would really really rather be the one who travels to see my friends who have kids -- i'm not ready to baby proof my house, and would be too freaked out about them getting into something here and getting hurt to really enjoy myself.

but i totally understand the feeling you are having, especially since she does not live close -- that's a long drive to always be the one driving.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Have you invited her over?

Maybe she thinks she is inviting you over to spend time at the house and doesn't realize that this upsets you.

If she said no she won't drive to you it's to far then I would mention that it hurt my feelings.

But I would go visit her if I could make it and invite her to visit me next time around.

Re: ugh! "YOU should come to us...."

Oh gosh, could i relate to this! my in laws are notorious for calling DH and I and telling us that we can drive to JFK to pick up distant family members - even though we live the furthest away from the airport (1.5 hours) - beacuse we don't have kids yet. i can't tell you how many times this has happened

That being said, I would just be honest with her and tell her how you feel about it and that you feel like you shouldn't always be the one to do the traveling. when your time comes to have kids, the shoe will be on the other foot and what is fair, is fair!

Message edited 3/24/2009 1:41:36 PM.