Didn't know where to post...

I'm don't post on this board often but I didn't know where to post this and since we been on a break from TTC and the RE I feel like I have no home.
I am sorry if I offend anyone with this. I don't mean too. I don't know if any lovely ladies here are experiencing secondary IF.

We've been trying for 2 years now for baby #2. I was Dx with PCOS and Secondary IF.

For the past few weeks I've been getting invitations to baby showers or emails announcing pregnancies. I am happy for all of them but each one reminds me of how long we have been trying. So if makes me more and more depressed. We been on a break these few months so it makes it harder to see the progress that some have had while I am stuck on square 1. DH wanted to stop seeing the RE soon after we started going. So I only got to do clomid 3 cycles. We were going to move to IUI next then DH decided that we need to take a little break for a while to recoup the expenses of the RE. I was fine with that but its still hard.

I have a lot of friends on facebook and I haven't really been on. Many of them know what I have been going through. So I updated my status to say that Im sorry for being so distant that I am just dealing with the IF blues.


Well today I get a message from a cousin who I haven't seen in almost 8 years. And she tells me this " I don't mean to come off as rude but I think you should count your blessing that you have one child. I have a friend that has been trying has have a child for years and can't. Not even her new puppy brings her joy. Again I hope I don't come off rude but I think you should be happy to have a child in your life instead of being sad and depressed. You could have nothing and imagine how hard that would be.I'm just saying that you should look at the bigger picture before you start crying about something else"



I never been more speechless in my life. Now I've heard stuff similar to this before but never so rudely put.
NEVER in my life have I ever been ungrateful for the life on my DS.

Just because it makes me sad that we are experiencing secondary IF, how does that translate into me not counting my blessing that I have him?

It's my DS that gets me through. Knowing that I have him and his smile.

I know and totally understand that it is harder when you are trying for your first child. I would never disrespect that. I can't imagine what it must feel and I am amazed by the strength by all the women on here and the ladies I've met at my RE.

I just feel so alone because no one in my family seems to think that what I am going through it worth a second thought. They all tell me to get over it, love your DS. I LOVE him!!

Am I wrong to feel the sadness that I feel? Should I say something to her?? I busted into tears reading it that I just closed the email.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Secondary infertility is a beast unto itself - you don't quite fit in anymore with your friends with kids, as they become pregnant again easily with #2 or #3 and you can no longer relate as a mommy of 1. And, at the same time, you don't quite fit in with the primary infertility crowd either, as many feel or think that you should just be happy with the one you have.

I dealt with secondary infertility for 2 years. It was rough. REALLY rough. And like you, my family was completely unreceptive to my pain and troubles, though I have to give my MIL credit, she went through something similar, and gave me incredible support. My brother even looked at me once and said, well, look, Beth, you just have to be happy you have Alex. While I know his intentions were good, it cut me like a knife.

Unfortunately we are human, and our emotions just don't work that way. I would have given the world to be able to just flip a switch inside my head and stop the yearning and just be content with my little girl - but we have undeniable biological instincts that don't just vanish the second you have your first child. And in a way, in some ways going through secondary infertility involves a whole diffferent set of emotions because you've HAD a taste of the good life - you have been pregnant, you have had a little baby, and you know EXACTLY what it entails, and want so desperately to experience it again. I remember crying everytime my daughter reached a milestone, thinking, OMG, will I never experience this again? And the times she asked me for a baby brother or baby sister. OMG, the heartache was just indescribable...

Everyone's pain and longing is their own and cannot be compared to anyone else's, or diminished by comparison.
I think what your cousin wrote was incredibly, INCREDIBLY insensitive. I would consider googling some articles on the emotional impact of secondary infertility - send her one of them so that maybe she can realize it's WAY more complex than she thinks.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I'm sorry that you are upset.
Honestly, I have mixed emotions about your cousins comment.
I have been TTC for about a year under the help of an RE. I was successful with twins, but sadly lost both ( at different weeks,) I was upset with the first loss, but said to myself, it will be OK, I still have one baby, and I was fine with that and decided that's it, after this I am done, I will count my good fortune, be thrilled and live happily ever after.. Wrong ,I lost the other one too, so that is why I am trying again.
I am sure I will be flamed here, but I am being 100% honest -but for ME I do understand why people want / and they are intilted to have as many children as they want, but when it becomes so difficult and puts a strain on you emotionally, financially,and physically, I FEEL that I would just be thrilled with what I HAVE, not with what I don't have.


Sorry for the long ramble.
I WISH YOU

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry that your cousin was so rude!

Coming from someone with NO children... I NEVER look at someone with secondary IF as if they're being "greedy" which is what your cousin made it seem like.

I know for us... we want 3 children. Our family would not feel complete with just 1 - and although we will feel SO incredibly blessed when we do have A child... it will not stop our longing for the family that we had always envisioned for ourselves.

Please don't let anyone insinuate that you aren't grateful for your child.. or that you shouldn't want another one.

I'm so sorry she made you upset. And please - you can always think of this board as your home!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Posted by Bxgell2

Secondary infertility is a beast unto itself - you don't quite fit in anymore with your friends with kids, as they become pregnant again easily with #2 or #3 and you can no longer relate as a mommy of 1. And, at the same time, you don't quite fit in with the primary infertility crowd either, as many feel or think that you should just be happy with the one you have.

I dealt with secondary infertility for 2 years. It was rough. REALLY rough. And like you, my family was completely unreceptive to my pain and troubles, though I have to give my MIL credit, she went through something similar, and gave me incredible support. My brother even looked at me once and said, well, look, Beth, you just have to be happy you have Alex. While I know his intentions were good, it cut me like a knife.

Unfortunately we are human, and our emotions just don't work that way. I would have given the world to be able to just flip a switch inside my head and stop the yearning and just be content with my little girl - but we have undeniable biological instincts that don't just vanish the second you have your first child. And in a way, in some ways going through secondary infertility involves a whole diffferent set of emotions because you've HAD a taste of the good life - you have been pregnant, you have had a little baby, and you know EXACTLY what it entails, and want so desperately to experience it again. I remember crying everytime my daughter reached a milestone, thinking, OMG, will I never experience this again? And the times she asked me for a baby brother or baby sister. OMG, the heartache was just indescribable...

Everyone's pain and longing is their own and cannot be compared to anyone else's, or diminished by comparison.
I think what your cousin wrote was incredibly, INCREDIBLY insensitive. I would consider googling some articles on the emotional impact of secondary infertility - send her one of them so that maybe she can realize it's WAY more complex than she thinks.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I'm sorry - that was insensitive of your cousin - I'm sure she didn't intentionally mean to hurt you though. I think people just don't know how to react or what to say to people dealing with IF, secondary or not. I haven't yet had my first child, but I imagine it is similar emotions you are going through and no one knows what you're experiencing except for you. Its very personal. My SIL dealt with IF, two failed IVFs, and then bam - got PG with #1. Then again it took her 2.5 years for #2, it finally happened, but it was similar emotions until then b/c she wanted her DD to have a sibling. Anyway, all just to say - I'm sorry and feel free to vent when you need to.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

First of all, your cousin was completely out of line. Even if that is how she feels, she has absolutely no right to express that to you, especially in that manner. Quite frankly, its none of her damm business.

I personally try to make it a point not to pass judgement on someone for the decisions they make or how they feel about how they want their life to be. Everyone in life takes different paths, and you should in no way minimize what you are feeling just because someone else may have it worse.

Having said that, having gone through IF for awhile and being at the beginning of the treatment process, I personally would be thrilled if I was able to have just one. But I am not in your shoes and wont try to dictate to you how you should be feeling. On a similar note...I have a friend who had 3 MC's. She is rightfully devastated...I have never been through what she is going through and would never try to minimize what she is feeling or tell her she shouldnt feel that way. However, a little part of me thinks...hey, at least you were able to get pregnant 3x on your own...I can't even get that far!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Posted by maybeamommy

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry that your cousin was so rude!

Coming from someone with NO children... I NEVER look at someone with secondary IF as if they're being "greedy" which is what your cousin made it seem like.

I know for us... we want 3 children. Our family would not feel complete with just 1 - and although we will feel SO incredibly blessed when we do have A child... it will not stop our longing for the family that we had always envisioned for ourselves.

Please don't let anyone insinuate that you aren't grateful for your child.. or that you shouldn't want another one.

I'm so sorry she made you upset. And please - you can always think of this board as your home!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your honesty and kind words.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I know exactly how you feel.. having secondary infertility is very difficult- it seems less people are understanding because you already have a kid, so why be "greedy"..

we've been trying for about 14 months now for #2 with no success- it's so difficult. My step sister is now easily preg with #2 and I can't help but feel alittle green about it.

even my own mother, like your family members, tells me to "get over it"... and honestly, it is soooo hard to hear that, it angers me that people just can't LET you feel sad!

I really don't have any word of advise- like you, my DC brings me such joy and I know, if she's my only child, that eventually I will be OK with that- it's just a very painful journey.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I know how you feel, in a way. I'm dealing with Secondary IF myself, BUT, I lost my first child at 36 weeks pg, so I know all the joys of being pregnant and to make matters worse, I didn't get to keep my baby. So, I'm dealing with both primary and secondary IF at the same time

But, Beth is right. You can't make your mind say "just be happy with what I have." You can't. You want what you want and you're entitled to feel the way you feel. And your cousin really needs to understand that this is a real thing.

I'm sorry this happened to you

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I'm so sorry about what your cousin said. That was way out of line. I would just ignore her. It's not worth it and there is no need for you to defend yourself.

We've dealt with infertility with each pregnancy and while we were ttc #2, I felt so guilty sometimes so I know how you feel. I felt like something was wrong with me, like I wasn't greatful enough for all I had but I wanted more. It's so hard for me to put into words but Beth describes it perfectly.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I am going through the exact same thing.. I completely feel the same way you do. I feel like part of my heart gets chipped away as each month passes. Please know you are not alone and if you ever want to talk feel free to FM me.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

that was not right of her to say! It doesnt matter if you have 1 , 2, or 20 kids, if you want another and are having difficulty you have the RIGHT to feel the way you do. It does not mean that you do not appreciate what you have. If anything your love for your child is often a driving force to spread that love to other children.

I hope your day improves. The sun is shining, the air smells nice, take it minute by minute!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

OMG, I know exactly how you feel. I've been trying six months, just got yet another bfn.

I love my son, and will forever be grateful to God for the miracle of having him in my life, but I also want another child. I don't think that we should be chastised or labeled as "ungrateful" because we "got what we wanted" as people so rudely put it sometimes.

Oh, and as for your cousin I'll tell you what I would do: Me, I'm from Brooklyn, I would just kick her ***. Enough said

Re: Didn't know where to post...

Each person's journey with IF is different. Should you be thankful that you have a child, yes. Does that mean that you can't want another child? Just because we have something, doesn't mean we can't desire something else.

You are entitled to your feelings and don't let others dictate how you feel about your struggle!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

we have been dealing with secondary IF for 5 years and I know just how you feel. Even my parents who are supportive give us the be grateful for what you have and I want to strangle them.

I am grateful, so grateful ad thank God every day we have him and didnt have to go through this torture before we had him. But it is torture, plain torture.

And yes, I often have felt like we dont fit in. For a while I hated going to DS friends birthday parties because all the moms were pregnant or toting tots.

It's a little pathetic, but its easier now, because at this point everyones second child is at least 3.

I also learned to accept that when people say stupid things like that they really are trying to make you feel better.

Re: Didn't know where to post...

WOW!!!!!!!!! That is horrible. What nerve and how insensitive. Now I feel I do have a child already and am blessed and feel my secondary IF wouldnt be as difficult as not having any, BUT BUT BUT, the want for another is the same, the total same and the desire is there and there should never be anyone telling you to not feel what your feeling.

UGH, so sorry you dealt with that!

Re: Didn't know where to post...

I went for a long walk yesterday to destress. I haven't written her back because she is just not worth it. I haven't see her in 8 years and don't plan on seeing her in the near future.


I wanted to come on and just say a big thank you for everyones kind words. It really helped so much. You guys are awesome.