Am I a terrible person for this?

My sister (younger ) has 2 boys. She was done, done done with babies to the point she gave away all of her baby stuff, maternity clothes etc. She even got a tummy tuck in 2007. Anyway, she and her dh decide in May to go for one more. 3 tries and she has never even had to figure out when she ovulates. Bang, by June she is pg. I guess IF doesn't run in our family. So she just founf out she is having a girl. My mother was over today and she says she is planning to have a shower for my sister (who had a shower, of course with #1). I said I would buy a present for the baby but felt first that I do not want to shower a person who had one, gave away stuff we bought her and now needs all new stuff. Two, I am mentally not able to handle this right now. Since my sister told me she was pg, she has complained NON STOP about getting "fat", how sick she was, how she hates being pg. I finally told her that I would kill to be where she is and that I do not want to hear about it. That does not stop her from complaining to everyone around us whenever we are together. So I told my mom that if she throws a shower I will be "sick" that day. May be its the extra estrogen from the bcps but I can't believe I actually said that. Is it wrong of me not to want to go? I will buy her something for the baby, I have with all of her kids. But I cannot handle a "shower". My mom said its fine and I don't have to go.

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

i dont blame you for feeling this way . i to feel that showers are hard to be at. maybe go for a little and before the presents are open just excuse yourself and leave. i feel the presents are the hardest JMO

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

I don't think you're a terrible person at all. When my SIL's got pg, I threw each of them a shower. My DB's wife got pg w/ #2 and was expecting me to throw her another shower, b/c the first time she had a girl and the 2nd time she had a boy. I told her I didn't think it was appropriate and that if she wanted another shower she could talk to her mom about throwing one, because I wouldn't be.
Showers (IMO) are for getting things you need- by that point she had all the big stuff, the crib, the stroller, the bedding, the car seat, etc..... and they bought all of their stuff in gender neutral patterns, so it wasn't necessary for another shower.
Honestly, I didn't want to throw her another shower b/c I was feeling very much like you are- only I hadn't gone thru IVF,etc at that point, so you have more valid reasons to feel that way than even I did. If your mom wants to throw her a sprinkle or something, let her- but you can't make it that day- or it's up in the air and you'll see how you feel that day- you shouldn't have to help plan it.
Bottom line- we have to do what we have to do to get by. They won't understand that, because they haven't gone thru it, but that's ok. Though I do think both your mom and sister need to be more aware of your feelings- I know you're sharing with them (from our conversations) but they just don't seem to be getting it. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

You are not a terrible person! I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Sometimes people don't appreciate how difficult our situations are with IF, they cannot understand it. Also, they get caught up in their own excitement/situation of being pregnant. I had this with a close friend last fall. we got pg at the same time and I lost mine and she didn't. I had to hear about how she hated being sick, she hated this and that,,like your sister, she tried only 3 months and then bfp, while I'd been enduring drugs and IUI's.

It's so hard. Do only what you feel up to doing. You shouldn't feel like you are a terrible person and don't feel guilty for how you feel.

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

I am so sorry. You are so not a terrible person! At this point I would cut off my left arm to have a baby that is how bad I want one. You only know the pain if you have been through it....screw it. You are going to be violently ill the day of that shower. Send tons of gifts but don't go.

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

First off, it is rude to begin with to give someone a shower for a 2nd time. No one gets 2 showers and to ask people to shell out more money for more gifts is horrible. i don't care if the gender is different.

2nd - your Mom and sister are not thinking at all. Though we'll give your Mom the benefit of the doubt, she's excited to have another grandchild. I can understand that. But, she has two daughters and she's not being fair to you.

Hopefully when this rolls around you will be big fat and pregnant and you wont care. She can't be that far along, can she?

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

I think your sister needs a course in sensitivity. I can't believe she complains to you about being pregnant. Doesn't she know what you have been through? Some people are so selfish and self centered.

As far as the shower goes, give yourself some time to think it over. Maybe you should have a talk with your sister about how you feel.

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This is why I tell my closest friends every detail, but barely utter a word to my family, because I can't deal with the disappointment in their uncaring, apathetic responses.

I think that expecting a 3rd baby shower is ludicrous, and I also think that your sister should know better than to complain in your presence, especially if you've said something to her. It may seem outwardly mean if you don't show up, but right now you have to take care of YOU, particularly when you aren't getting the family support you deserve and need. I think it's perfectly reasonable not to show up

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

You are NOT a terrible person. There is no need for another shower and I would think mostly all the ppl invited to this second shower would feel the same way.
Sorry you're going through this....

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

Well not to sound like a bi*** but its her own fault she gave away all her baby stuff....and you are absolutely NOT a bad person for feeling like this. I would feel the same way. And I think she really needs to STOP complaining to you about how "sick" she is from pregnancy because that is really insensitive. I hope I'm not being too harsh but the sh** we all have to deal with is unreal. I would hang up on her next time she started complaining. Sorry but hearing stuff like this just makes me so mad

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

First of all- I have to say that I think *sprinkles* are incredibly tacky.

Second of all- I think it is awful of your sister to complain about her pregnancy in your presense. It is just very insensitive.

On the other hand- she IS your sister. If you are close other than the b*tch IF getting in the way- I honestly would really try not to let it come between you. Like a PP said- it is impossible to know what it's like until you have walked a mile in our shoes.
If you weren't close- then maybe you should just be sick that day

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

You are not a terrible person!!!

I think it's so rude of your sister to have another shower b/c she decided to get rid of all her stuff and then she decided to have another baby!!! I'm sure a lot of people who are invited to this shower will feel the same way.

You do what you have to do. I can't even imagine what you are going through. If my mom decided to give my sister another shower, I would be so upset and probably wouldn't go either. SO, if you are a terrible person, so am I!

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

I don't think you are a terrible person.

I think that sprinkles or showers when there is less than 5-8 years between the babies is greedy also.

But, I also see more and more people doing it...check the PG board. It amazes me how people expect gifts nowadays.

I think if you give her a gift and explain how this affects you, she and your mom should be understanding of you - not the other way around.

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

You are not a terrible person! As someone else said I am not a fan of sprinkles either. Not everyone's problem that she gave everything away!

Showers are very hard...I know this first hand. Of course since I have been TTC and now dealing with IF is when I get the most invites to showers

Re: Am I a terrible person for this?

This is a really difficult situation.. You are for sure not a terrible person at all.. I am so sorry.. Its horrible because you feel guilty at the same time.. I really know these emotions you are dealing with..