IVF and DH

still in dreamland...thinking it will happen naturally if we just try harder.

Frankly, we missed last month due to some wacky schedules and exhaustion.

I'm 41..42 in March..I don't know what planet he is on.

I told him we have one more cycle to try naturally and then Cornell here we come. He agreed and then still continued to talk like we're just going to keep trying naturally. Hello? Bueller?

He's worried about money. I know it will be a few thousand out of pocket for the first cycle.there are grants..etc.

He wants to know exactly how much it will be before we start. Of course, so do I!

Is a few thousand worth a baby? He's not seeing the end game. He's seeing the out of pocket expense. Yeah, I'm disappointed that it will probably take medical intervention too..we waited..maybe too long. Now we have to use other means.

We are seeing my cousin today along with her new baby conceived through IVF at Cornell. She's 42. She is very well versed on everything there and BTDT.

I still think he's in lala land. He says he's an optimist. Yes, so am I..but I'm way more realistic about this. He thinks it will magically happen. Stats are that naturally at my age it's dismal at best.

I think I just need to quell his fears about having a baby. He's worried about day care and babysitting costs..etc..Hello??? Baby first? This is a long road.

I feel that it's all up to me and I'm fighting an uphill battle with it and him. I'm in charge of everything and have no say..all he sees are the costs. I told him about the chance of a grant possibly..he seemed happier.

I just don't know if this is something that will happen. He's putting up too many roadblocks. Every step I take forward, he brings me 3 steps back.

I'm taking this down soon, so don't quote.

Message edited 10/12/2008 12:08:12 PM.

Re: IVF and DH

My DH was the same way for a while. In the beginning, month after month, I"d cry and he'd just say "it'll happen". I decided to be more proactive and got all my preliminary tests. The girls on this board were also VERY helpful.

When my tests came back fine, and after 4 unsuccessful IUIs, I told DH he needed more specific SAs per the new urologist's consult. He did, and as a result, learned that IVF is the only way to go due to MF.

fortunately we have very good insurance, but DH is already concerned about the cost of day care. I told him "let's get pg first, and then take it from there."

Good luck!

Re: IVF and DH

can you go to an RE get some info about how hard it is for woman our age to get pregnant naturally... get some tests drawn up esp.. fsh levels and give him statistics? The chances at 42-43 are 13% WITH IVF I am so sorry... Move forward and take charge!! make it happen ... he will thank you in the end!

Re: IVF and DH

My DH did NOT want to do IVF-kept saying lets just give the Dr a chance. Finally I made it happen. He went with me on 3 consults. I made him part of the decision and i took the money out of an old IRA I had accumulated over the years. Now he is so excited and can't wait to be a Dad. Sometimes you just have to grab the reins.

Re: IVF and DH

Sorry you're dealing with this.

I agree with the pps and sometimes you just have to forge ahead on your own and really point out to the DHs that this is your only/best shot.

As for the $$, a cycle could cost you out of pocket the same as a honeymoon or some other trip or house item - you found the $$ then, you can find it now.

With DHs it's all in the approaches. We were self pay, so I made sure we both got 0% balance transfers, etc to make our funding easier

Good luck!!

Re: IVF and DH

I hear you. My dh talks about ttc naturally every month. I cannot tell you how done I am with ttc sex.I just cannot take it anymore, I totally dread it Meanwhile he informed me 2 days ago that he stopped taking his male vitamins b/c he thought "his job was done." It really pi*sed me off b/c I told him after our first ET to keep taking them until we got pg. So annoying. All of the grabage I have to do and he can't bother to keep popping his pills. Yeah and its going to really happen naturally now.

Re: IVF and DH

thanks all. He's been to all consults with me even the devastating egg donor consult.

Dreamland..he's got some morphology issues too!

Money is a big concern, maybe even more now with the economic issues we all face. We are also facing a tax audit so there are some unknown $$ issues coming up.

But I don't know what that is yet. It may not be bad at all..we haven't done anything wrong..just had lousy accountants..so I know with my new accountant things will work out better.

I digress, money seems to be the key here. I think he's just terrified of having a kid. So am I, but I know I want to have a family, be a mother, be the mother of his child.

Re: IVF and DH

Life always finds a way to work itself out. I'm sure once he holds the baby in his arms he will realize it was worth all of the expense and sacrifice.

I know with me I seem to always be pulling my husband thru different milestones but once he gets there he's ecstatic.

Good luck to you.

Re: IVF and DH

All I'm going to say is: MEN! Must be a nice place to visit.

DH still thinks natural too.

Oh here is the best. AFter ET the other day, we are talking about #2 (he brought it up). I'm like huh. He wants to know how long I'll wait b/f we try for #2. Huh! Thinks we can go 1-2 years. Huh! I"m 40...I think the problem is he still thinks I'm 29 (the age he met me at). Men! And why were we talking about #2 at that point anyway?????? Totally ridiculous.

Keep at him. They fight the whole way and then they come around a little. That is all you need. He's so on board but he just wont admit it. If he wasn't totally, he never would have gone to the consults etc... Most men would not have gone.

DH's best friend is going through IVF also. He wont even talk about it to his best friend. They like to be in denial. Just keep moving forward. You can look into the grant money now. Apply etc.... I think he's just scared of what to do with a baby. I hope your cousin was some help today.

Re: IVF and DH

DH held baby Zachary and the two of them fell asleep together. He wanted to show me what a good daddy he would be I think. He said I was a natural.

whatever..I'm in love with my cousin's kid. He's just a miracle. So tiny and precious..he was in awe of him as well.

My cousin gave me some syringes, alcohol pads and some meds she didn't use. I have that benefit, but I guess getting some for free would be good too. I will pay it forward if I have stuff left over.

Gotta go catch the train..I will finish the story later.

Re: IVF and DH

Honestly, I'm of a differing opinion from the others here.
IMO, DH's have to be fully on board with this process. It's way too involved, emotional, and stressful to even think about just doing it without DH's full acceptance.

In our situation - we have accepted that we may not have a child after all is said and done. We don't want to adopt for our own reasons and we don't have the $$$ for Donor Egg (and aren't even sure if we would do DE). So, we decided together that we would do one last IVF cycle and if this doesn't work, then we are done.
I need my DH to be with me in regards to life decisions like this. It's just too much to do without full acceptance of both parties.

Look at it the other way, do you really have to have a child? Would you be able to live without one? Will you be able to convince DH that the expense will be worth it? I know some of this sounds kind of harsh - but the expenses do exist...there's nothing you can do to change that. And they will exist if you do have a baby....there are costs involved.

I wish you lots of luck with your decisions and I truly hope you and your husband can come to an agreement that makes you both happy.

Re: IVF and DH

thanks Gerty. There's not one big decision that we made that we weren't 1000% on board with together.

He even picked out our China! (Not that we use it)

He has all kinds of issues about his own childhood, his parents financial situation (not good) and he felt deprived.

He looks at his brother who is very wealthy and has funded his kids college education years ago and paid off his house years ago and he wants to be in that position of being able to do that.

Well, that's not the norm..most of us don't have that kind of dough. It's not black and white. He thinks he has put all that behind him and it doesn't bother him but clearly it's sitting right in front of both of our faces.

we're not struggling but I wish we had more money...who doesn't?

Not having a kid..well, the thought has crossed my mind. Can't bear it. Not now..maybe when all is said and done. Will I be resentful if it came down to a few thousand dollars and we didn't try? Probably.

In order for me to pull the trigger I need Dh fully on board. Am I being unrealistic? This is way too big to have him sort of on board.

Re: IVF and DH

Re: IVF and DH

Message edited 10/13/2008 10:34:00 AM.

Re: IVF and DH

Re: IVF and DH

I'm so sorry about all this. It is so hard to get them to really understand the desire to have a child and all that we endure in trying to make it happen.
I hate that DH and I fight about TTC issues, and that they really don't understand all that is involved (like age, timing, how the drugs affect us, etc).
Best of luck to you, I hope you can get him to understand what you need here and how much it matters to you!
Shawnna

Re: IVF and DH

im glad im not the only one in this boat because DH thought we should wait and do it naturally BUT WE CANT! and he is so worried about the out of pocket and day care and everything that comes with a baby. lets get PG 1st then stress i say lol they just dont understand

Re: IVF and DH

My DH was like many of your husbands. In the beginning he always said "it will happen," which I found aggravating. Now two years later and two failed IVFs he's not so sure anymore and neither am I.

Message edited 10/13/2008 9:14:55 PM.

Re: IVF and DH

Posted by babygirl71777

im glad im not the only one in this boat because DH thought we should wait and do it naturally BUT WE CANT! and he is so worried about the out of pocket and day care and everything that comes with a baby. lets get PG 1st then stress i say lol they just dont understand