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Arieschick29
aries+cancer= pisces&gemini
Member since 3/06 4268 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Would you go?
Long story made short- BIL is in Air Force, has been dating someone long distance for about 2 years. She had been pressuring him to get married so they could be together. He confided in DH that he was just going to propose to "get her off (his) back" I wrote him a long letter from my perspective saying marriage should not happen to get someone to stop annoying you and that it should not be a rushed thing. We hadnt heard back from him in weeks.
Turns out while they were away in Florida this past week- SHE proposed in some fashion and he said yes. So now she is planning EVERYTHING- all he has to do is show up (which knowing my non-comittal BIL, he just loves)
MIL is giving DH as hard time just now b/c she told us the GF is planning the wedding for a Sunday in Texas around Father's day or another sunday in June.
We both agree that it is not a good date or time seeing as how almost 60 of our immediate family members would need to fly out to good ole' Bush country (can u tell how much I just love that?) AND I will still be working in school until the 27th. I do not want to use more sick days on this BIL (I used up 5 days for his AF graduation 2 years ago) I need to start saving my sick time for my eventual maternity leave.
Would you go for BIL despite 1) not really supporting the marriage and 2) not wanting to take days off of work???
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Posted 1/1/08 7:35 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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Re: Would you go?
That's a tough one. What does your husband think about all this? I think in the end if it was me and my husband, I'd probably support whatever he wanted to do/not do that involved his immediate family members.
With that said, I also see nothing wrong with just sending a card with a minimal gift if you just can't take the days off work. Or just don't go and let your husband go.
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:41 PM |
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Christine
2nd verse same as the 1st
Member since 5/05 15287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would you go?
I couldn't imagine not going.
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:41 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would you go?
I think if I were in this situation I would see what DH wasn't to do since it's his brother. If he wanted to go, I would go with him and maybe just fly down for the 1 day, and come home the next morning.
I've watched friends and family marry people that I didn't think they should be marrying, but at the end of the day it's not my decision and they're adult enough (usually  ) to make their own decisions. If you're pg and really not comfortable going then I would tell them that it's too much strain on your body and let DH go on his own if he wanted to. HTH
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:43 PM |
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Arieschick29
aries+cancer= pisces&gemini
Member since 3/06 4268 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Would you go?
DH is VERY upset.... he thinks his brother is making a huge mistake.
He and I take marriage very seriously and we dont think she is in it for the right reasons
He's got his mother telling him that we need to support him no matter what even though just on x-mas eve she was saying how upset she'd be if he got married now.
What really pizzes me off is that for our wedding back on '05 ALL I wanted was for us to go to an island somewhere and then have a casual party back home and his family was so adamantly against that since they had like 160 people on the guest list and theres this whole family reputation to maintain
BUT when its the golden son... they are totally fine with just the immediate family flying to TX and then they would host a dinner at a restaurant in LI
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:47 PM |
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HoneyBadger
YourWorstNightmare.
Member since 10/06 15979 total posts
Name:
BahBahBlackJeep
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Re: Would you go?
I would stay out of it. Your BIL is a big boy. I would go to the wedding, eat drink and be merry.
Let him live with his decision. If he's miserable, he'll have to figure out what he needs to do.
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:48 PM |
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Arieschick29
aries+cancer= pisces&gemini
Member since 3/06 4268 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Would you go?
oh and just to clarify- not pregnant (yet) are going to try in a few months.... but need to save days for maternity leave
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:48 PM |
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randella
Love my little man
Member since 8/05 16290 total posts
Name:
Randi
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Re: Would you go?
it's your BIL's wedding-- you need to go. I would be incredibly offended if a close family member didn't come to my wedding because they wanted to save their vacay days. And he can make his own relationship choices as well-- he's a grown up and knows what he is getting into. He's been with this woman for 2 years for a reason.
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:54 PM |
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Beth
The Key to your new home....
Member since 2/06 24849 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Would you go?
yes I would go
you can go just for the weekend and take 1 vacation day- I don't think that's asking too much
she is going to be a part of the family now- like it or not- so you should be there for them
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| Posted 1/1/08 7:59 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by randella
it's your BIL's wedding-- you need to go. I would be incredibly offended if a close family member didn't come to my wedding because they wanted to save their vacay days. And he can make his own relationship choices as well-- he's a grown up and knows what he is getting into. He's been with this woman for 2 years for a reason.
ITA. Take a day or two off. It's not going to affect your maternity leave dramatically--though I don't understand how you'd be allowed to use sick days for a wedding, unless you have one pool of sick/vacation days?
Honestly, I don't even consider whether I personally approve of the marriage when I decide whether to go. It's family, and to me you have to be there even if you foresee them being divorced in a month.
Message edited 1/1/2008 8:31:26 PM.
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| Posted 1/1/08 8:06 PM |
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KGools
Happy
Member since 9/06 9532 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: Would you go?
Yes, I would go.
If you're really stressing about using sick days, you could always fly out on a Friday night and then fly on back Sunday night and be back for Monday school day.
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| Posted 1/1/08 8:09 PM |
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Arieschick29
aries+cancer= pisces&gemini
Member since 3/06 4268 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by randella
it's your BIL's wedding-- you need to go. I would be incredibly offended if a close family member didn't come to my wedding because they wanted to save their vacay days. And he can make his own relationship choices as well-- he's a grown up and knows what he is getting into. He's been with this woman for 2 years for a reason.
ITA. Take a day or two off. It's not going to affect your maternity leave dramatically--though I don't understand how you'd be allowed to use sick days for a wedding, unless you have one pool of sick/vacation days?
I get 15 sick days a year - they dont ask for dr's notes or anything. I just leave plans and call in sick. If I take too many though they can start asking for dr's notes if it looks suspicious.
I thank you all for your honest opinions. I was worried I'd be bashed but I'm glad I'm getting a different perspective on it.
Still not keen on the idea but nothing is set in stone yet.
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| Posted 1/1/08 8:33 PM |
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evenedan
Need a little sunshine
Member since 9/05 3843 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by Jennie0898
I would stay out of it. Your BIL is a big boy. I would go to the wedding, eat drink and be merry.
Let him live with his decision. If he's miserable, he'll have to figure out what he needs to do.
I agree.
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| Posted 1/1/08 9:05 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Would you go?
I would go and not even think twice about it. He is your DH's brother. Whether you support the marriage or not, you should attend because he is family, IMO.
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| Posted 1/1/08 9:49 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by dpli
I would go and not even think twice about it. He is your DH's brother. Whether you support the marriage or not, you should attend because he is family, IMO.
ITA!
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| Posted 1/1/08 10:03 PM |
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-Lisa-
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Member since 5/05 6530 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Would you go?
I don't think your opinion of the marriage should play a role here. You're not the one getting married - its not your place to judge.
Its your DHs brother, and I don't think there's any valid reason not to be there.
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| Posted 1/1/08 10:17 PM |
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Lisa
I'm a PANK!!!
Member since 5/05 22334 total posts
Name:
Professional Aunts No Kids
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by Christine
I couldn't imagine not going.
I agree!!
its your family and for family you do things that you might not really want to....
Message edited 1/1/2008 10:21:51 PM.
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| Posted 1/1/08 10:20 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would you go?
I would def go. he is your BIL
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| Posted 1/1/08 10:21 PM |
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MrsT
Enjoying wedded bliss.....
Member since 4/06 1323 total posts
Name:
Katrina
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Re: Would you go?
Coming from someone that had a couple of BIL's not attend our wedding, I think you should both go and have the best time possible.
By the way, I know of a couple of men who proposed to stop the girlfriend from nagging them about getting married. 1 couple is divorced, 1 guy was cheating the night before his wedding and one couple broke up just before he bought the ring. He confided in DH that his plan was to propose and put off wedding planning for 2 - 3 years
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| Posted 1/1/08 11:07 PM |
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by -Lisa-
I don't think your opinion of the marriage should play a role here. You're not the one getting married - its not your place to judge.
Its your DHs brother, and I don't think there's any valid reason not to be there.
Amen! I think it's GREAT you have such a strong value of marriage...I wish more people did, but as Lisa said it's his wedding not yours. My husband and I wanted to elope, but in the end we had a VERY small Wedding on Mackinac Island. I did not invite my step-sister, her husband, my step-brother or his gf. I know that sounds horrid, but my step-sister couldn't even aford the ferry passage of $20 per person let alone the gas for a 3hr trip and a hotel. Instead of calling me she just said p*ss on you and has not called me since. The thing is that if she had called I more then likely would have said...if it's that offensive to you then PLEASE come, but I do realize how pricey it is. There is TONS of hx with her, but whatever. Here's what I learned.........Even if you don't want to do something you should because in the end family is all you have. I understand you want to save for maternity leave, but in all honesty you're not even trying yet. That just sounds like an excuse. There are laws on maternity leave and other ways to build up the sick bank. Taking 2,3,4, even 5 days to make your bil, and mil happy is the RIGHT thing to do. PLUS if the marriage ends bad, like you predict, then you will atleast always have LOOKED supportive, and not like a big I told you so person. JMHO please feel free to fm anytime if you need to talk. I promise my family is just as.... quirky as yours
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| Posted 1/1/08 11:41 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Would you go?
He is family, you need to go. Whether or not you approve of the wedding is irrelevant - IMO.
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| Posted 1/2/08 4:04 AM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: Would you go?
Please go. Even though you don't agree, this is a HUGE step for him and it's important to have his family there. I can't even fathom how upset I'd be if one of my brothers and SILs didn't attend my wedding b/c one of them didn't want to take a vacation or sick day to attend or because one of them didn't like the state where I was getting married. I also can't fathom how upset I'd be if one of my brothers and SILs was criticizing such a personal choice of mine (marriage). Say something once and let your feelings be known - fine... but after that, it's not your place to say anything. You don't think he's making a good decision - You've voiced your opinion. That's all you can do. He's an adult - let him make his own decisions (good or bad) now. The bigger a stink you make about this now, the more it will strain your relationship with him in the future - no matter what happens with the wedding and the fiance. It's great that you care enough to not want him to make a big mistake... but respect him enough as an adult to make his own decisions when it comes to this.
From someone who had a family member enter into a marriage that much of the family objected to beforehand (and, btw, the marriage is still very strong many years later), I can't even begin to tell you how much you will strain your family's relationship with this couple if you keep voicing objections to the wedding or don't attend. Think of it this way - Is your objection to this marriage so strong that you'd not want to speak to your BIL if he marries her? If not, then you need to attend the wedding.
Message edited 1/2/2008 9:04:17 AM.
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| Posted 1/2/08 8:55 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Would you go?
You should go - Your opinion of whether or not he's 'doing it for the right reasons' is irrelevant - it's your DH's BROTHER -
There may have been people who felt you and your DH weren't the perfect match, or someone on your side ddn't like him for you, or vice versa ........- (I don't know anything about you or DH, but I'm just making a point that noone truly knows another's relationship)
One of my closest family members and best friends is getting married in the fall - I'm totally and completely wary of the marriage and the guy (not b/c he's a bad guy at ALL - I just, as you, think she's marrying him for the 'wrong reasons') - it doesn't matter - She's a grown woman, she is happy (at least for now) and WHO am I to judge her decisions? I will be there for her the same way she was there for me - And if god forbid it ends up the way I fear it may, I will be there for her then too - w/o any judgement or "I told you so"
As far as his fiancee planning everything and taking over - if your BIL is happy with just having to show up that day and not be involved in the details, then the rest of the family will just have to deal w/ it -
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| Posted 1/2/08 9:38 AM |
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pharmcat2000
Mom of 2 + 1
Member since 10/05 7395 total posts
Name:
Catherine
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by Jennie0898
I would stay out of it. Your BIL is a big boy. I would go to the wedding, eat drink and be merry.
Let him live with his decision. If he's miserable, he'll have to figure out what he needs to do.
ITA!! And, it could turn out that they will be a "happily ever after" story. I think you and DH need to support his family.
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| Posted 1/2/08 9:52 AM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Would you go?
Posted by Jennie0898
I would stay out of it. Your BIL is a big boy. I would go to the wedding, eat drink and be merry.
Let him live with his decision. If he's miserable, he'll have to figure out what he needs to do.
Agreed.
And I believe that the more you tell a person NOT to do something, the more you'll drive the person to do just that.
Good luck!
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| Posted 1/2/08 9:59 AM |
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