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Diary of a snow shoveler
Diary of a Snow
Shoveler
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll
definitely have a whiteChristmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again.I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind
took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks.This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff
and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.Stocked the freezer.The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska ,
after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h*ll.The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night More shoveling! Took all day. The darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.I
think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to p*ss. By the time I got undressed, ****** and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter,but he says he's too busy. I think the a**hole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she, nuts?!!Why didn't she tell me
to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b*tch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.
December 25
Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight Snowed in.The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the h*ll did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped
to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14hours of waiting for him,
he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in. The B*TCH is driving me
crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in.
I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars,
not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken
snow shovel up his a**. The wife wenthome to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love
those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the
bed?
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