Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do? UPDATE!

OK, so I have a very small family. Its just me, my sister and my mom. DH is not American and has no family in the states, but his sister who lives in Alabama. She is coming in on Thanksgiving day- at 7:00 pm. Now I KNOW there will be delays so chances are she won't get to us before 10.

So for Thanksgiving, my sister is going to her inlaws in the Jersey shore near AC. We are invited and have a room in their house, but we have to share it with my mom. My sister hosts most of the holidays. Thanksgiving was her MIL's holiday, but last year my siser hosted Thanksgiving. Every year thanksgiving is at my sister's MIL, we have gone. The last we traveled for any holiday was two Thanksgivings ago.

There is no option of me hosting thanksgiving for all of us. I have a small 1 bedroom apartment. There physically isn't room for everyone (its about 10 adults and 3 kids). I have offered to help my mom or sister if they decide to host it.

SO this year DH tells me really doesn't want to drive down to AC for thanksgiving. Now, I don't want to either, but i want to be with my family. I told my sister I prefer it if its in NY, but I understand that she has to go to her inlaws. What DH doesn't get is the amount of work that goes into a dinner. He just shows up and its ready. He doesn't see the days of cooking, shopping and preparing for the holiday. My sister has a toddler and a 3 month old. Its a lot of work for her. Plus I work so I wouldn't even be able to help her before Thursday.

I spoke with SIL and she doesn't care about thanksgiving. Its not at all important to her. And she will have 10 days with us (she is staying with us) after Thanksgiving.

DH suggested we do Thanksgiving just the 3 (or 4) of us. I just feel like that is so sad. Plus, its very easy for DH, but he is expecting me to do all the cooking. We don't even have a proper dining room table. DH has pulled the "very important" card and he really doesn'twant to go.

So I am torn. In one respect, I want to respect DH's wishes. Its just not important to him and its a long drive with a lot of traffic. Plus he gets dragged to my family functions, whereas I don't (since he doesn't have any family here).

However, we celebrate 3 holidays a year where the whole family gets together and we haven't had to travel for 2 years. Thanksgiving IS important to me. Its part of my family tradition. I can't imagine not being with my family on Thanksgiving. It just makes me so sad.

So what would you do?

UPDATE: So I mentioned to my mom that I was thinking I was going to stay home, and then I got a call from my sister about 10 minuts later trying to see what she could do to make it more comfortable for us to come.

I guess she spoke to her FIL and told her it was kind of silly for 7 adults (including her DH's brother and his girlfriend) and 3 kids to travel down from NYC, so they decided to come up here. It was going to be at my moms in LI but now it may be in the city at my sisters. So in the end, it all ended up working out. Thank you all for your advice. It really made me thing.

Message edited 11/18/2007 12:10:22 AM.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

Because his sister is coming in on Thursday, plus you both have to share a room with your mom, plus you would be spending all day driving around...I would go with DH on this one.
You will see your family at Christmas for sure...plus you probably see them more often in general.

I just think that it would be too much to drive to Jersey, eat, drive home, pickup SIL, go home.All on a day where everyone is travelling
I would do the nice dinner with the three of you and leave it at that.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

Posted by Gertyrae

Because his sister is coming in on Thursday, plus you both have to share a room with your mom, plus you would be spending all day driving around...I would go with DH on this one.
You will see your family at Christmas for sure...plus you probably see them more often in general.

I just think that it would be too much to drive to Jersey, eat, drive home, pickup SIL, go home.All on a day where everyone is travelling
I would do the nice dinner with the three of you and leave it at that.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

why not celebrate thanksgiving on a diff day w/ everyone?

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

Shell - I'm with you on this one. If it's not a day that's important to DH, he should recognize and respect that it IS important to you, and go.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

I would be sad too. Every year before our DD we would spend it with just DH bro and his wife(who DH and I can't stand). It was a lonely holiday to say the least.

But that being said, I would stay home. It doesn't seem to be worth the hassle. Make a simplier dinner- turkey breast and some fixings and just look around at all you have to be Thankful for- your DH and your beautiful DD.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

As of right now, it looks like DH and I will be home by ourselves this Thanksgiving. While I am very sad that we may not be able to see family on Thanksgiving - DH has to work in the AM and does not want to sit in traffic all afternoon. While we are still discussing it, it looks like we'll be on our own. We actually did this last year and enjoyed being by ourselves when we expected the worst.

Does your DH know how much it means to you to be with your family and want to share the day with them?

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

I don't know if this is even an option for you, but can you take the baby and go to your sister's MIL's and leave DH home so that he can pick up his sister and then have some quality tiem with her?

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

Posted by CkGm

I would stay home. It doesn't seem to be worth the hassle. Make a simplier dinner- turkey breast and some fixings and just look around at all you have to be Thankful for- your DH and your beautiful DD.

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

I think your DH is spoiled and needs a swift kick to the arse! No, really, what I mean is, he has NO idea how much worse it could REALLY be - what if you had a HUGE family? I datd people who I had to attend family functions with literally every weekend!

My point is, it's not like you're dragging him to these kind of things everyday - if that were the case, maybe I'd understand. But, here, you have a small family and have limited opportunities to come together to celebrate. Because of that, even if it's a hassle, this is important, not just for you, but also for Jordana.

Every year for breaking the fast, we travel 2+ hours to my cousins house in Morristown, and drive back that night. YES, it's a major pain, but it's a tradition, and I love getting together with our family on special days, and I love that I"m passing on that tradition to Alex. I know DH isn't fond of the trip, but he goes (mumbling and grumbling, albeit) because it is important.

The fact is, no matter what, it's going to be a hassle - even if you stay home and prepare dinner, it's going to be a hassle. SIt down and really think - which option is more fulfilling and important? And then explain that to DH

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

I understand your frustration, but coming from someone with a HUGE family tradition is important. Here's how I see it. If you only celebrate 3 holidays a year they should be special. Nobody wants to drive in traffic, nobody wants to feel like they are starting a day that never ends, and nobody wants to be somewhere for something they don't find important. If everyone said it's to much NOBODY would celebrate the holidays! Thanksgiving is important to you...end of story. Do what's best for you. What about this.......put a turkey breast, potatoes, carrots and chx broth in the crock pot. Eat later in the day. Then over the 10 days his siters there have a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's not as important because he has not spent it with his family. Bring him in to the family tradition. Thanksgiving is about family, good food, and giving thanks. You can do that anyday it dosen't have to be on Nov 22 this year. Maybe if you include his siter he would understand it more. Good luck!

Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma- what would you do?

I had it out with my DH last year over Thanksgiving. He wanted to have turkey at home; I wanted to be with my family.

I "won". The quotes are because while he made an effort to be nice to my cousins & my sister, the silent brooding to me took a lot of the holiday out of the day. That's not to say I would have stayed home because I had fun with my sister & my cousin, which was important to me particularly because it was a rough year familywise. Everyone has limitations & one of my DH's is he is not the type of person to suck it up & make the best of a situation.

I would still go down to NJ as early as possible. Just because he doesn't do "family" things with his family doesn't exempt him from your family functions. There is no question in my mind that he knew you & your family were a package deal. If you don't want to go, order your stuff from Zabar's. It was a quick cab ride & we were at the apartment with all the fixings.

Also, check your FM.