Is This A Friend?

I had a run in with an old 'friend' today - and now I am feeling very bad about it.

A little background. "Helen" and I have known each other since our freshman year in college. We have many mutual friends. She introduces me as one of her closest friends.

Helen has a habit of calling me out on my bad behaviours as often as she can. I can't say much there - because she isn't LYING, and she does it in a way that is meant to 'help'. But it makes me feel awful. And she only seems to do it to people that she doesn't like. For example - we went out to lunch a few months ago with another friend, Gina. Gina and I were talking about how we both would like to lose weight. Helen looks at me and says "Jeannie, you don't want to lose weight. If you did - you would not have ordered that margarita." She's right. I did order a margarita. But as she is saying this to me - she is not at all noting the fact that Gina is drinking a Pina Colada while she chows on a plate of buffalo wings. I thought about asking her why she would say something only to me... but decided against it because it had the potential to be uncomfortable for Gina.

Two weeks ago she had her first baby. I called to congratulate her and she mentioned the baby had finally fallen asleep. We chatted for a few more minutes and then she said "Listen - I told you the baby was finally asleep and you know I am a new mother - why are you still talking? I mean - don't you think I might want some quiet time with my husband?" At that point - I felt AWFUL. Like the biggest jerk. So I apologized and got off the phone. She called me last night to let me know details about the upcoming Christening. She mentioned that Gina had stopped by last week to see the baby. I called Gina to hear about the baby and how Helen looked, etc. Gina mentioned that she stopped by and that Helen had mentioned that she had just gotten off the phone with me. So I asked Gina if Helen was short with her or cranky and I was told Helen was just really pleasant and happy to show off the baby, etc.. I was pretty hurt by this. I mean - she chastized me and I felt awful for bothering her with a 5 minute phone call - but an unexpected visitor is treated warmly?

This is pretty typical. I have seen her warm and sweet and fun with people - but I generally get the biting and sarcastic end of the stick. I don't feel good being in her company. I don't enjoy speaking to her and I guess I just really don't want to be her friend.

The question is - do I tell her? Or do I just stop communicating with her?

Re: Is This A Friend?

If you feel the friendship is worth saving, mention it to her (in a non-confrontational way). If she's receptive to your feelings, great. If not, cut her off! You do not need a "friend" making you feel this way. Personally, I think you deserve better and any "friend" would not be so hurtful.

Re: Is This A Friend?

I would confront her and if she still acts the way she's been acting i would cut her off and go your seperate ways... No friend should treat you like that,Congrats to your friend on having a baby... but because she is a new mom does not give her the right to treat you differently or put you down. I hope you both can work things out.

Re: Is This A Friend?

She sounds pretty condescending, from what you've said. If it bothers you that much, AND you feel like you want to save the friendship, try to talk to her and tell her how you feel after being spoken to the way she has. If she's receptive, and things change, that's great. If she doesn't, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to distance yourself.

I hope it works out for you, and if you DO want to continue the friendship, I hope she takes what you say to heart.

Re: Is This A Friend?

About 7 years ago, I had a "friend" who was exactly like that. But she also topped it with lots of other stuff like accusing me of stealing men she liked(when I had no idea she was ever interested in them and as if I have control over who a man likes), creating situations where I constantly felt uncomfortable(like saying a party was casual dress and everyone else was black tie).

I finally just stopped talking to her and told her why. I recognized that this is a person who was very insecure and for some reason, took it out on me. Not our other mutual friends, just me.

Take it as a compliment that she feels you are such a threat to her self-esteem that she must cut you down. And say good-bye to her friendship before she destroys your own.

Re: Is This A Friend?

Breaking-up with a friend is always hard! But it doesn't seem like this friendship is worth it. I would lose her number, and if she happens to find yours (and you wan to) tell her you aren't really into being verbally abused by a so called friend. Don't let her say anything negative, just tell her your choise and be done. No one deserves to be treated like that!

Re: Is This A Friend?

u should have nothing to feel bad about. if i wanted to get off the phone witha friend, i would say can we chat another time. talk with your firned about how you are feeling

Re: Is This A Friend?

Cut her off at the knees. Give me a break - yes she said the baby fell asleep, and yes you know she is a new mother - but geez, if she could open her mouth to chastize you she could have just as easily said she wanted to get off the phone.

To me she is no friend and I would lose her number in a heartbeat.

Re: Is This A Friend?

She sounds like a frenemy to me. She needs to make herself feel better by putting people down. If I thought her behavior would change, I would say talk to her. However it sounds more like an innate trait. I would distance myself. We're all hard enough on ourselves. We don't need to be torn down by other people do it under the guise of friendship.

Re: Is This A Friend?

It doesn't sound like she is a positive person to have in your life. It sounds like she puts you down a lot and gets off by doing it. If you feel you would like to, bring it up to her. If she twists it around and makes excuses for her behavior (which has recently happened to me with a long time friend I confronted recently) I would make distance from her. Friends should bring you up and make you feel better and not make you feel bad. Sometimes it is so hard. I have recently broken off a friendship of 28 years, distanced myself because the trust and friendship was gone and I decided I would rather be alone than have a friend like that. So sorry you are going through this. You sound like a sweet person.

Message edited 11/11/2007 10:52:12 AM.

Re: Is This A Friend?

If this is the way she speaks to "friends" I would hate to hear how she is going to speak to her child

Which she needs to realize - you are not her child. Who is she to chastize you that way? I think you need to be up front and speak your mind. She seems to be the bullying type to do that to those she knows won't confront her.

I am sorry she does this to you

Re: Is This A Friend?

If you think she could treat you like she treats others, then I would confront her about it.

That made me so mad to hear about what she said about being a new mother and the baby sleeping. How are you supposed to know and read between her cryptic lines? If I had to deal with that everytime I talked to her, I wouldn't be keeping her as a friend very long.

Re: Is This A Friend?

I would be very put off by the comment she made when she wanted to get off the phone. that was very rude IMO!

if you think the friendship is worth saving, I would confront her about it. if not, stop calling her and returning her calls.

who talks to a friend that way?

Re: Is This A Friend?

From what you said, she sounds like she is pretty rude and nasty. I would just stop talking to her. No one should treat other people that way. There are nice ways to say things and then there's being b!tchy. That's not a friend.