How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

What are your thoughts on this...

if someone accuses you of doing somehting, and then you explain yourself, you are accused of being defensive... but you are being defensive because you are defending what you did or said because you think you are right...

So how do you avoid being defenesive?

What makes one accused of being a defensive person? Is it someone who screws up a lot and then defends oneself?

just curious.... it feels like the whole defensive thing is a cath 22 no matter which way you slice it

Message edited 8/14/2007 8:01:26 PM.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

I'd just ignore them, did someone accuse you of something? I say if you explain to them your actions and they still question you... I would just say it's not worth my time going over my explanation again to you i told you 'why' so let it be, well that's what i would say!I hope you find the answer to your question.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

I agree that sometimes, you can't win not matter what in a situation like this.

I also think that when someone is adamant that someone did or said something they did not say, they accuse the person of being defensive as a bogus way of trying to prove they're right. If that makes any sense at all.

However, there are the times in which the defensive person is truly defensive because they actually did or said something they shouldn't have and are working too hard to convince their accuser otherwise. If that makes any sense at all, too.

I'm shot for the day so maybe you should disregard whatever I've said above

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

I think it depends on the tone used to explain your point (if you're talking face to face or over the phone).

I think if someone responds with a sharp tone or starts to yell that is considered being defensive. If they answer the question matter-of-factly then, no, that to me is not being defensive, you are just stating your side of the story.

ETA: If you have already gone this route and they still insist you did something, forget and just move on. Most likly they're not open to alternative suggestions.

Message edited 8/14/2007 8:15:55 PM.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Great question. Maybe it's the tone one uses?

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Being defensive is not when someone accuses you of something.

Its when someone makes a point blank statement or their own opinion and then you ( anyone ) in turn say" Thats not what I meant" etc....

Then I woudl say, your being defensive...

I have never heard it said in the way you mentioned it though. I have no idea in that context?

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

I tihnk defensive means defending against criticism or attack, so if you really don't want to seem defensive the only option may be to suck it up and not defend yourself.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Okay let me try this again since I apparently can't follow instructions and didn't answer your question.

I agree with the person who said the tone used could be percieved as someone being defensive. Someone else mentioned they haven't heard it used in the context you stated but I have have heard it used both ways. Someone asking someone a question and then accusing them of becoming defensive when they answer and also someone restating what someone said and the person disputes that that is not what they said.

I myself have had someone take what I say completely out of context and/or twist my words to change the meaning and be totally convinced they are correct. Now, I know what I said, since I'm the one that said it, however trying to get my point across, I was accused of being defensive.

I still think there are times where it's a lost cause in these situations.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Posted by luvsbob4603

I'd just ignore them, did someone accuse you of something? I say if you explain to them your actions and they still question you... I would just say it's not worth my time going over my explanation again to you i told you 'why' so let it be, well that's what i would say!I hope you find the answer to your question.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

The dictionary's definition explains it best:

Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one's shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

Leave it to a dictionary to define something dead on.

Re: How exactly does one avoid seeming defensive?

I agree, it is a catch 22...can you defend yourself without being defensive? Maybe it's all in the tone you use? I am not sure...