VirginiaDeb
Don't eat me, hippo!
Member since 5/05 9252 total posts
Name:
Deb
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Dear Proctor and Gamble :P
I just got this in an e-mail, and oh so enjoyed it :)
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER
PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite
a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior.. You surely realize a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he
told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was Written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is Just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the Reason
for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period." Are you f*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really Think
happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a Menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull
your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
"Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?
Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
********. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
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Austin, TX
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