NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

I thought I would turn to the hive mind here to help me.

I have a good friend I have known for 6+ years. She disappeared off the face of the earth last march. I found out she was an alcoholic. In the years I knew her she was not. I didn't even know she was battling this until she disappeared.

At that point I got together with a mural friend. Her estranged husband has rehab set up and she went. She did really well. Came home. Felt enthused and better. I could see the difference.

I lost touch with her again over about September. I realized she fell off the wagon but there was not much I could do.

Fast forward to yesterday. Her husband (who I don't know) texted me and said he might try an intervention and would I participate. I said yes. He told me the mutual friend brings her food to her apartment so she can at least eat. Ps. The husband has rehab set up and waiting for her. She refuses to go.

This is my question. Who do I turn to for solid advice on how to handle this. I spoke to the mutual friend (let's call him Mike). He is enabling her by bringing her food. So all she has to do is sit in her apartment all day and drink and food is brought to her. So she doesent have to do anything.

Mike is cool. I didn't accuse him of anything (enabling). We had a good conversation about what would be right to help her save her life.

Ultimately she has to want to go herself. I can't make her. But I feel tough love might be the key. BUT I am not professional and don't know if that's the right choice. So I need professional advice to see if mike should stop and let her hit rock bottom.

Should I call AA? Just looking for professional advice so we don't do something detrimental.

This sucks. And it's only a friend. This disease sucks.

Re: NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

So sorry your friend is going through this. Your a good friend for wanting to help. Yes it does have to be her choice so sometimes it makes it worse when they are refusing treatment. I do have to say I hear wonderful things about LI Helps Recovery initiation. Check out their page on facebook and call them. They are recovered addicts and help get people into treatment. Call them for advice and maybe even set up a day to speak with your friend and her husband.

NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

I work as a behavior analyst and from a behaviors standpinr, you are 100% correct, for her behavior to change, she has to want it. With addiction, people have to want to help themselves or rehab does not work, at all. Rock bottom and natural consequences are what I have always recommended in this situation. Unfortunately, many times outcomes aren't great, however, bringing her food is enabling her. She doesn't have to do anything. Also who is paying for her apartment? That is enabling her too. then she doesn't have to work to pay for it. Natural consequences. You are drinking all day, therefore you are not working and not able to pay for your rent, bills, and expenses. It's honestly so hard to see families struggle with addiction, but you cannot help the person if they don't want the help, but truly hitting absolute rock bottom sometimes and many times is the only way a person suffering with addiction can have any sort of moment of clarity to see they need help. Also who is paying for the alcohol? If it's this woman's estranged husband and he is working and keeping money in a joint account, well he is a fool... any time I have done behavioral counseling in this situation, it is sp important that the people in the life of the person struggling with addiction see how they are enabling that addiction and understand their role.

So sorry you are going through this!!! It's not easy! Many hugs! If you need a good place, seafield out east is good on Long Island.

Message edited 3/13/2017 8:12:31 AM.

Re: NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

I don't have professional advice but I just wanted to say to be careful for yourself.

I had a friend who is an addict. We became very close. In my wedding party, we are godparents to one of her children, etc. Not to get into too many details, it began to wreck me. I became so worried and so involved in her (their actually) addiction, that I couldn't breathe some days. Worried they were driving with their kids. Worried the kids would be playing with the stove when they passed out. I tried everything I knew. Reached out many times, offered childcare so she can go to meetings again or even back to rehab if necessary. I was bull$hitted over and over again. I finally had to pull the plug on the relationship. and that in itself was heart wrenching. BUT it was necessary for my own health at that point.

I did hear from her almost a year later. That I was right and she got help, etc. But I cannot go back to that kind of worry and wonder.

So whatever you do... protect yourself in this situation. I hope your friend gets the help they need.

Re: NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

No advice, just wanted to say what a wonderful person you are to want to help, and to go out of your way to find out how to do it correctly.
I have alcoholism on both sides of my family.

Prayers that your friend gets the help she needs.

NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

A few things to clarify (of what I know)

1. The husband owns the apartment in Brooklyn. "they" also have a house in Maine which has been their getaway.

2. He pays all the bills for the apartment. He needs to keep it because of his work. He needs a place in the city.

3. I have NO idea how she is paying for booze. She did work at one point, so she might have money in an account. If the DH is reaching out I would assume he is not giving her money KNOWING she would be buying booze.

4. I wont let myself get involved to the point where I can't function. I promise. I have big fish to fry in my life. I want to help and be there for her, but not to the point I let my life go.

5. I will call the above place and see if I cant get advice.

6. Anything else people want to advise on Im happy to hear.

Re: NNeed help and advice. Friend is an alcoholic and needs help

ugh terrible situation. you are a great friend for trying to help. Unfortunately I went through something similar with a family member and drugs and it did not matter who we called, or how many interventions we had... it took him hitting rock bottom (getting arrested) to get himself cleaned up. She needs to want this change. Does she have a sponsor or anyone she is still in touch with from her last rehab stay...perhaps they can get in touch with her to help
prayers for your friend and her family