Cop wives

DH took the police test a while ago for NYC. He doesn't necessarily love his job and his would be a pay cut that will make things tight for a while, but in the long run, better for us. So wives of cops- how do you feel about DHs job? I am so scared of him being a cop, but I want him to be happy

Re: Cop wives

In the beginning, it was really hard. I learned not to watch the news etc when he was working. I remember there was "BREAKING NEWS" on newsday that a cop was shot in Brooklyn (where my DH is). That's when I stopped looking. Plus, in the beginning, you're the new guy.

Now, it's just my life! He loves his job, so god forbid something happened, at least I have that.

You do need to be prepared for things, sometimes he won't come home (missed my goddaughters communion, we were almost late for his brothers wedding etc) because he arrested someone. Sometimes he will call you and tell you, starting in two days he has a completely different schedule. In order to live that life, you have to truly be able to roll with that. When I do get annoyed I always make sure he knows I'm not mad at him, just frustrated. There was a point where him coming home on time was unusual.

He got in about a month before we got married, so it's always been like this for us. In fact, I'm so used to it I don't even realize it's different anymore lol. In fact, now he's home at night and I have to get used to sharing a bed again!!

I'm proud of him! He works hard, he's a good cop and he loves what he does. Plus, he's a good dad and husband. Whenever my two year old sees a police care he says "IT'S DADDY's POLICE CAR!!!"

Best of luck whatever you and him decide:)

Cop wives

All I can say is communicate! This is a staple for any successful relationship. But as a cop's wife, it's essential. DH is a cop for 15+ years (we've been married for almost 10) and while we have had our ups and downs, I can honestly say, communicate.

At the same time, understand that there will be things he may not want talk to you about (job related), but make sure he has a good support network at work. DH had an incident at work (thankfully, minor injury - but it could have been a whole heck of alot worse) - he spoke with me about it, but I heard him on the phone with a guy on his team talking in detail - I was not upset that he wasn't sharing this with me - I was just happy he was talking to someone!

Patience, Understanding and be as accommodating as you can. His schedule can and will change. Sometimes with little or no notice. Plans will change. Your lives will revolve around his schedule. Depending on where he works and what shift he works, you may be alone often.

I've gone to many parties alone (now with just the kids), he's missed some holidays, but we've adjusted to making it work. We find a way. Just because Thanksgiving is the last Thursday of the month on the calendar, doesn't mean that's when WE have to celebrate it.

I've felt I had an advantage over some cop's wives - I was a cop (DH and I met in the academy) - but for a number of reasons I left. Before I became a cop, I went on a date with a guy who was s cop in the city - he tried with all his might to steer me away from it (thank goodness I didn't listen), he said "They own you - they don't care where you live - they don't care about your family. They own you"

In away that is true, but it's all in a matter of perspective. We've made some amazing, life-long friends from this job. DH has had many opportunities from this job. And soon he will have a pension from this job. All in all, it is a job.

Know that when the time comes, you have a supportive network "here" too. There is always another cop's wife who feels your pain, knows what you're going thru and is there to listen.

Any questions - please don't hesitate to ask!

Re: Cop wives

DH did 20 years in NYC.
He hated every living second of it, and now that he is retired for a few years I can't believe the difference in him.
It really took it's toll when he was working. His commute was 60 miles one way and with the traffic, he'd be driving at least an hour and a half one way.
He missed countless holidays, Christmas, New Year's Eve, family occassions and weddings. He almost missed our honeymoon because we got married right after 9/11 and they weren't letting ANYONE take off. You have to be prepared for that. For the fact that you'll be alone a lot. Especially when he's a rookie and gets the WORST vacation pics.

Then the stress of the job.
I didn't realize it at the time ,but to see him now that he is out, it really did affect his personality. He never wanted to go anywhere, or do anything when he was working. He hated driving on his days off. He didn't want to travel, etc.
We barely saw each other because he worked midnight's. It was stressful for our marriage.

Now that he is retired it's like he is a new person.

Now the upside- he retired at 41 years old and brings home pretty much the same, after the tax benefits, as he did when working. We have free healthcare for life. He is able to go back to school and start a new career if he really wanted. Or he is free to stay home and do nothing and we live exactly the same as before. It's amazing.

However, I know that the new recruits need to work 25 years before they can retire, and I know that their benefits are diminishing as the city realizes they can't afford all these pensions, etc.

If you ask my DH, he won't say he regrets taking the job, because of the pension, the benefits, etc- it's pretty much unheard of in private industry, especially now a days.
But he won't say he ever liked the job and he will tell you he was miserable for 20 years.
So is being miserable for that long worth it? Is dreading your job and being depressed worth a pension?
Now that he is on the other side he says yes of course it was.
But I'm not so sure. Quality of life for 20 years (and now 25 years) is pretty big IMO.
Also, when he started in the 90s, things were different. He saw a big change in the job in the last 10 years he did it and his friends who are still on say it's even worse now. It's a very bad time to be a cop on many levels.

It's a very personal decision- that only you guys can answer.

What does your DH do now?

Message edited 3/14/2016 10:12:57 AM.

Re: Cop wives

I will FM you.

Cop wives

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions. Currently we are 27, almost 28. DH is a buyer for a large company- good perks etc, he's just unhappy in a corporate setting. He's very big on feeling the need to care for his family, which I admire about him, however it's not expected I work and make good money too. He's not too happy with working in a corporate setting. He's changed jobs once- totally different companies, same job. I really really am against this but I know that I need to support him in what he decides. He supports me and every crazy dream I have ever had- who knows he may love it. I am just so scared for his safety. If that wasn't a factor I wouldnt care. Ultimately I want him to be happy. I think he may continue with the process- medical etc while we decide together if this is good for our family. Thank you again for the support and honest answers. I truly appreciate it

Re: Cop wives

Cop wives

I am not a cop wife, but I come from a cop family.

My dad worked for the NYPD for well over 20 years. He was a plain clothes detective for most of his time. He absolutely loved it. He only retired because he was forced to due to a disability on the job. I'm pretty sure he'd still be working if it was not for that.

My brother is NYPD and he seems to like it.

My other brother was NYPD, but is now with the MTA. He loves it.

I will assume a lot has to do with the precinct/boss that you get. My dad and brothers were/are all in relatively "good" areas.

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Re: Cop wives

I stopped worring every day because that can make you crazy...then hardest part is schedule...they get stuck alot at work and are usually never home on time and when holidays come around he is usuallt not around...it wasn't too bad before we had kids but now with a three and two year old its hard to explain why daddy isnt home on christmas or why he isnt at other special events

Re: Cop wives

Re: Cop wives

cop wife.

While in the beginning it was rough and I learned how to cope with the hrs, the days off and overtime...it works for us.

He is 7yrs to retirement and In a good unit, not patrol. You also have to work to get into a good place to make the best of the job if you can. Take tests, but also pay your dues.

We have great benefits, a pension to follow,
and a good paying job. We also have security.

Cop wives

It is difficult. Obviously the safety issue is a huge issue but there is a lot more that makes it difficult.

Be prepared that he will miss holidays, birthdays, weddings, etc. He will not know if he got a day off (except his scheduled vacation that you have to pick the November before the year starts) until a day or so before. If you have kids make sure you always have a back up plan for day care (if you work) since he may have to stay late because he got an arrest or has to help someone else. He will be forced to work overtime at times and there is nothing you can do. He can be transferred to a different shift with very little notice. So just when you think you have things figured out you will have to figure it out again in a different shift.

The NYPD is a world of its own and not a lot of things make sense but that is how they are. As my husband says the day he figures out the NYPD is the day he will retire!

Cop wives

I carefully read each and every response and some of you reached out to me privately. I want to thank you all for your honest opinions and experiences. I'm sure I will reach out to everyone again as we navigate this process. I know it's going to be difficult for me and I will worry but I'm sure what my husband will experience, I'll never be able to fully understand. Thank you for not only sharing your feelings but also guiding me and my role in this process! Truly appreciated!

Cop wives

I was a cops kids :)

Cop wives

DH has been a police officer over 10 years -- when he started it was different than it is now for sure. His was the highest paying recruit class before the cuts and concessions started happening for new cops. The anti-cop stigma was not as it was now and I have certainly seen my husband's morale go down at times.

Some days are harder than others, particularly that we have opposite schedules and barely see each other during the week. But I know my DH enjoys his job most days even if he feels it's a thankless one.

My hubby was a bit aimless when we met and becoming a cop is what has given him a career and purpose. So I am thankful for the job and all the benefits we receive. But I also know that when he is no longer a cop, he will be less on edge and will likely have a big personality shift. Until that happens, we just try and make the best of it as possible!

Re: Cop wives

Just wanted to send hugs to all you ladies and say I admire all your strength!!

My bil is graduating the academy next month and as worried as I am,I am even more
Proud

You are all amazing and strong woman!

Re: Cop wives

I'm in the same position. DH should be going into the academy this summer. It's a HUGE paycut and i'm not sure how we're going to make it. It's his dream though.

I hate when he watches cop movies (like End of Days- ugh.) and I don't know why anyone would want to be a cop these days. There's nothing I can do to stop him, so I'm just dealing with it.

Re: Cop wives

My DH has almost 15 years on so he has seniority with vacation picks and off days so I do like the flexibility with that. The insurance is great and overtime helps the pay a ton.
The only thing that brings me comfort is that he LOVES what he does. It's hard for him to decompress some weeks and I send him to the gym those days.

Message edited 3/16/2016 8:18:16 AM.