Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

I don’t want to start controversy (though that never ends well when you start with that does it?) but I am curious.

Firstly, I am coming from a world where ‘Mom’ was a loser. She was abusive and emotionally, as well as physically, absent a lot in my childhood. My step mother, though physically present, was an utter failure in the mothering department and also abusive.

My father took over our care when I was 8. This means he was the guy who had to deal with my feminine issues and questions. He was the one who took me to the doctor, fed me, clothed me and was my one and only parent. He was my world. He disciplined me, loved me and is the reason I am who I am, more so than any other person ever.

So now I’m a Mom. I am trying to be as good of a mom I can be, but I’m not alone. I feel that since Day one I’ve always assumed my husband would be like my dad. Capable. I never gave him any leeway, I don’t know how. He fed, bathed, changed and cared for AJ since day one. It was just assumed he was as lost in this as I was and learned as I did and we did this together. I don’t see any difference at all between a first time mom and first time dad.

Now I mentioned I wanted to ‘get away’ for a week and one response was that a poster’s husband would go crazy with the kids for a week. And I wonder, is that an overall opinion based on sex? If the reverse was offered would you be able to take care of your children for a week on your own? I’m NOT a SAHM. I’ve made that clear before that I lack that ability completely. A few days with AJ alone is enough to drive me to drink. I don’t think I’m a bad mom because of it, it’s just not my strength, but people just assume I should be a capable because I’m “Mom”. But I’d survive. I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Ironically, I’m not going away for alone time but in October I’m going away for 2 weeks for work. Two solid weeks (with weekends included) away from my family. I am going to probably sneak home as it falls on Halloween, but I’ll be forced to immediately return before the following Monday. It’s just part of my job.

And so I’m thinking, I have no issue leaving AJ with the hubby during that time because he is capable. Will he go crazy a bit? Sure, but so would I. The point is it has to be done. And it’s our daughter; it’s not like its torture! So for me going a way for a week for ‘me time’ next year seems irrelevant as far as him taking care of her.

Do you think that somehow we set up society to believe that women are expected to be more capable of taking care of their children unsupported verses their male counterparts? If so do you think we (our generation) is making an effort to change this?

Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

I think society feels that caring for children comes more naturally to women than men. I do not agree with this. When DS was born last month, both DH and I had no idea what we were doing. When I made a comment about DH and DS to one of my friends, she said well it comes more naturally to you. Honestly though it doesn't - I just have slightly more experience since I come from a large family and babysat when I was younger.

I grew up in a house where both parents took on an active role so I expect that in my family as well. Dh is very helpful - unfortunately he can't BF.

Message edited 6/2/2014 10:50:23 AM.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Yes I think it's a societal thing - a very antiquated one.

But in my house, it's not that way at all.
DH is just as capable, if not MORE capable than i am to care for DD.
He has been since day 1. He had no child care experience - I probably had more from babysitting as a teenager- but he just picked it up.
Now that she is a toddler he can, and has, taken care of her without me- when I've gone on business trips.
He actually has more patience than I do. Because he has more patience in general than I do...with everything. So he has more patience with DD.
He is also more of her daily care giver as he is retired now and I work full time.

I think it really depends on the person- not the sex of the person.

Message edited 6/2/2014 10:48:19 AM.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

It's definitely a societal thing that still remains in this day and age - women take care of the kids.

That said, it's not simply that way in my household. DH is totally hands on and is capable of taking care of DD just as well as I am, although, due to our personalities, it would be more difficult for him to think of and plan all the details. For example, if I go out for a day, I tell DH what he can give DD for lunch, and if he is taking her out of the house, I make sure to do her hair before I leave, because he won't attempt pigtails. Otherwise, no worries. He is more patient, and probably more fun, than I am.

My mom was talking about taking a girls trip with me and my sister for a few nights. Her biggest concern was whether my DH would be okay with DD. I wasn't concerned. He would be fine, and if he needed help, his parents are 3 miles away, as well as his sisters.

Message edited 6/2/2014 1:40:06 PM.

Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Definitely a societal thing although I think it's becoming more commonplace to have dads run the show just as much as moms when it comes to parenting.

I think it does break down into relationship dynamics. In my house DH and I have always from day 1 been equally responsible for DDs care. DH will feed, bathe, clothe her and anything else she needs without so much as batting an eyelash. The only thing he won't do is hair...he will try though but that is usually my job

I do know someone whose husband is incapable of staying with their kids without express instructions. Her DH is unemployed and will not stay with the kids so she has to pay someone to pick them up from school and stay with them until she gets home from work. He doesn't know or I should say won't take the time to make them something to eat. Also if she steps out for more than 10 minutes he's calling and texting her constantly.
Honestly though IMO this has a lot to do with their relationship dynamic. She has catered to him so much that he has become accustomed to letting her take the reigns and refuses to change and help out.

Message edited 6/2/2014 11:15:24 AM.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Sorry crashing. Not a mom yet, baby is coming in 2 weeks

My DH will be staying home with the baby when I go back to work. He is way more capable than me in house work, caring for out cats, food shopping, cleaning, cooking and anything/everything else. I really don't do any of that stuff even before getting pregnant.

I do feel that its a societal thing where women are expected to be just better at parenting and in charge of a household. Obviously in our case that is completely not the case.

Even my mom has been having issues with accepting that my DH will be home with the baby, she thinks that is unbecoming of a man. She says that a man needs a job outside of the house, while women not always . This is coming from a woman that handles her household always and completely equal housework division. My parents, growing up, shared everything - from cleaning, thru cooking and caring for me and my brother. So, I think not only are the expectations of women to be better at home life are greater by society, but there is still very heavy stigma around dads that do everything and even stay at home with the kids.

I do feel there is a heavy change in the last decade especially towards equal home responsibility as more men not only take on more and more house/kids responsibilities but also staying home.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

I know a lot of people whose hubbies chip in equally.

Mine will be at home with kids when I go away for work in October too.

It's all about how you set it up.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Im with you. Parenting comes FAR easier to my husband than it does to me. I too choose to WFT bc I dont have what it takes to be a SAHM. I dont want to. My Dh on the other hand, would stay home with the kids in a heartbeat if the opportunity every arose.

I do notice that women have always tried to commiserate with 'ugh, husbands", "you know how men can be" and I dont. Honestly. He is a far better parent than I am. In fact, overall, while being a great businessman and provider he is also for more domestic than me on all fronts. We always joke that "our roles are reversed".

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

i could have written everything you wrote (minus your relationship with your parents)

I see it every day - on FB, here, IRL

I honestly think some women want it that way as well. While they may complain about their husbands or how hard it is to be the one who knows everything, they don't necessarily do much to change it. Its a dynamic that takes two to maintain.
And it works for some people just fine too

Some womean do all the 'house' work and raising children and the husbands do everything else. I don't knock it, its just not what works for me and my husband.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Message edited 6/2/2014 2:27:44 PM.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

I think it's a societal thing, but I think it's also a personality thing. I have always been detail oriented and organized so I think being a parent (the day in day out physically taking care of DS) comes more naturally to me. I don't necessarily think it's just because I am a woman, but that I pay attention to small things and keep everything running smoothly.

I think there's also a big difference between travelling because you have to for work, or if you are in the hospital having surgery or whatever and going on a vacation with friends for a week. I don't see either of us going away alone for that long for pleasure while my DS is small. We both need a break and right now, in our lives, that amount of time along with a child is too long.

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Posted by NervousNell

Posted by 2BadSoSad

Im with you. Parenting comes FAR easier to my husband than it does to me. I too choose to WFT bc I dont have what it takes to be a SAHM. I dont want to. My Dh on the other hand, would stay home with the kids in a heartbeat if the opportunity every arose.

I do notice that women have always tried to commiserate with 'ugh, husbands", "you know how men can be" and I dont. Honestly. He is a far better parent than I am. In fact, overall, while being a great businessman and provider he is also for more domestic than me on all fronts. We always joke that "our roles are reversed".

This is pretty much us too!

Re: Mommy vs Daddy capabilities - how society views us. (random thought & question)

Someone I was talking to at work said to me, "you're lucky your husband helps you out so much" as far as the day to day care of the baby (even my mom makes comments like that)... I said "ummm I'm the one helping him out".. They laughed but it's kind of the truth!

I definitely think that society still views childcare as the woman's role. I'm sure for many women it does come more naturally & some men really aren't interested in spending time with the baby or don't know how to change a diaper... but I think the old fashioned stereotype isn't realistic, at least not anymore.

DH would do just as well taking care of the baby alone for a week as I would.