..

Thank you!

Message edited 6/17/2011 8:58:03 AM.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

It took me 2 years to get my BFP....I cant tell you how many people told me they were pregnant along the way.....2 in one day actually. It is the worst feeling in the world. I have held it together for the most part when I was in front of the people but I cried a lot the minute I would get in my car or of fthe phone.

You can;t feel guilty because you got your BFP and Im sure your brother and SIL are truely happy for you but coming from someone who was on their side....IT HURTS. But there is nothing you can do to ease that pain and even avoiding all PG talk isnt going to make her pain go away. I would just try to avoid the conversations with her as much as possible.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Its not right for them to make you feel that way about your pregnancy, but to be honest I'm not sure that I'd feel all that differently in their shoes. I'd probably just keep it all to myself and my DH so that the other people never knew how I felt.

Infertility is a terrible awful thing to go through, and I cried A LOT during that timeframe of my life.

I just don't know if your brother & SIL are the ones you should be going to for pregnancy support right now. I think you should respect their wishes. I'm sure there are others in your life that you could get that support from.

Sometimes life just isn't fair and it gets in the way ... please don't take it to heart.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

I can understand what you are going through-it's a lot of mixed emotions.

While I think your SIL was out of line, they are going through a tough time and I can overlook almost anything said/done by someone going through infertility because I cannot imagine the emotional toll that must be.

So, I would just let it go and follow their lead and not hold a grudge. Enjoy your pregnancy and don't get hung up on the fact that not everyone can be happy for you-I'm sure they would love to be nothing but happy for you.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Thanks for your input!!

I for sure would not say that i go to them for support, except for that one time about my fear my mom wont be there, and i think that is what threw her over the edge, and i take full responsibility for that, i was stupid. She is actually one of my best friends...

I plan to respect their wishes fully. I love them both a lot, and pray all of the time that they get their BFP. I will not hold a grudge, and I agree that I cant hold anything they they say/do against them during this time.

I feel better

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

the way they are feeling is totally normal. I am sure they are happy for you but at the same time it is hard to hear about your pregnancy bc it just reminds them they aren't there yet.

However, I feel like they shouldn't be making you feel bad for your pregnancy. You should be happy and enjoy this experience without having to feel guilty. I am sorry you are dealing with this!

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

You don't need to feel guilty for your BFP, but I don't feel you need to be talking about it with her either. I know infertility is really hard for other people who have not been thru it, so I will try to give you an example. Your best friend's mother just died, she is traumatized. The next day is your mothers bday, do you call BFF and go on and on about how special of a day you are making it, or how great it is to have a mom to celebrate? No. Is BFF "selfish" for not wanting to hear about it?


You said in your first post she is "extremely spoiled and selfish" then you say she is your best friend? I'm confused?

Either way I would respect and try to understand your brothers request. A little compassion goes a long way.

Message edited 6/16/2011 2:30:45 PM.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Hi, first off Congratulations!
I am preggars, but suffered two losses before getting to this point. My journey was only ten months, but it was the hardest of my life. I can't even convey the pain of IF...I would not have made it through were it not for the love of my awesome husband and strength of God. Nonetheless, every time a good friend had a baby or got pregnant it hurt me so bad. I prayed about it and felt real guilt bc I wasn't jealous...just in deep pain over my own issues. I'm sure that is what your sil is feeling. Please try not to take it too much to heart. God Bless you and her.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Message edited 6/16/2011 3:01:31 PM.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Okay, I have a lot of experience of this topic.

I can see your SILs side of things. I had a stillborn at 36 weeks and after that went through 4 years of infertility before having my son. I had countless chemical pregnancies, miscarriages and BFN months. More than my fair share. I can understand the pain that she feels. Its absolutely heart-wrenching to hear that someone else got pregnant. I mean, I can cry for her, knowing how you got pregnant and she's not. I'm sure she aches to be pregnant, and I'm sure it would have been a dream if she could have been pregnant with you and have babies together.

BUT, this absolutely, positively does NOT excuse her behavior. Honestly, she needs to get over it. I've had to go to countless baby showers, endure lots of pregnancy and baby stores. For years. And your brother also needs to not involve you, either. That is what he's there for. For his wife to cry to. You are not the only person in this world that she'll know that will get pregnant. Unfortunately she's going to have to learn to deal with it and not make YOU feel bad. You are going through one of the happiest times of your life, and she is a big part of your life. She needs to suck it up. FOR YOU. Yes, you should curb as much as you can around her. But sharing in the joy of awaiting your little arrival is something she should want to hear about. It will be her niece/nephew!

I hope I'm not sounding harsh, here, but I've lived this. For years. And its just what you have to do.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I for one am thrilled for you and your little blessing!!

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

As someone who struggled with getting pregnant for 2 years and went through a ton of infertility testing and protocols.. hopefully i can give you a little insight.

She's probably very happy for you, and so is your BIL. But every time she talks to you about the baby or anything baby related, it is a reminder of what she doesn't have.
When you go through IF it is literally a daily struggle. You are going to appointments, being poked with needles, taking fertility hormones (that mess with your emotions even more), and it is something that is on your mind every single day of your cycle. The 2ww for IF patients is TORTURE.. and then going through every cycle to get another BFN, despite all your best efforts.. just wears you down and adds so much stress to your marriage. Some people even have to take a break from it just to regain their sanity..

So ANY conversation that centers around babies is painful, no matter who it is with.

It's not just a matter of 'why can't she be happy for you' - i honestly think she is. It's just that talking to you (or anyone who's pregnant) is a reminder of what she is struggling to achieve. If she happens to talk to you the same day she got the news of another BFN, then it may cut even deeper

I'm not saying you should excuse her behavior totally.. just trying to help you see how she's feeling and that it is not done out of spite for you.. but more out of protection for herself

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Posted by LaurenExp

Okay, I have a lot of experience of this topic.

I can see your SILs side of things. I had a stillborn at 36 weeks and after that went through 4 years of infertility before having my son. I had countless chemical pregnancies, miscarriages and BFN months. More than my fair share. I can understand the pain that she feels. Its absolutely heart-wrenching to hear that someone else got pregnant. I mean, I can cry for her, knowing how you got pregnant and she's not. I'm sure she aches to be pregnant, and I'm sure it would have been a dream if she could have been pregnant with you and have babies together.

BUT, this absolutely, positively does NOT excuse her behavior. Honestly, she needs to get over it. I've had to go to countless baby showers, endure lots of pregnancy and baby stores. For years. And your brother also needs to not involve you, either. That is what he's there for. For his wife to cry to. You are not the only person in this world that she'll know that will get pregnant. Unfortunately she's going to have to learn to deal with it and not make YOU feel bad. You are going through one of the happiest times of your life, and she is a big part of your life. She needs to suck it up. FOR YOU. Yes, you should curb as much as you can around her. But sharing in the joy of awaiting your little arrival is something she should want to hear about. It will be her niece/nephew!

I hope I'm not sounding harsh, here, but I've lived this. For years. And its just what you have to do.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I for one am thrilled for you and your little blessing!!

Message edited 6/16/2011 3:23:12 PM.

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)

Posted by Otherme

As someone who struggled with getting pregnant for 2 years and went through a ton of infertility testing and protocols.. hopefully i can give you a little insight.

She's probably very happy for you, and so is your BIL. But every time she talks to you about the baby or anything baby related, it is a reminder of what she doesn't have.
When you go through IF it is literally a daily struggle. You are going to appointments, being poked with needles, taking fertility hormones (that mess with your emotions even more), and it is something that is on your mind every single day of your cycle. The 2ww for IF patients is TORTURE.. and then going through every cycle to get another BFN, despite all your best efforts.. just wears you down and adds so much stress to your marriage. Some people even have to take a break from it just to regain their sanity..

So ANY conversation that centers around babies is painful, no matter who it is with.

It's not just a matter of 'why can't she be happy for you' - i honestly think she is. It's just that talking to you (or anyone who's pregnant) is a reminder of what she is struggling to achieve. If she happens to talk to you the same day she got the news of another BFN, then it may cut even deeper

I'm not saying you should excuse her behavior totally.. just trying to help you see how she's feeling and that it is not done out of spite for you.. but more out of protection for herself

Re: Have to tell you what happened (taking this down soon, please dont quote)