Soooo upset... Update

I'm probably going to remove this so please don't quote...

So my dh started with me last night about my parents wanting to buy the crib and dresser for the baby. He's upset that I didn't ask if his mom wants to buy it.

His mom hasn't offered anything yet. Not to say she won't, but I was really trying to avoid asking since who was paying for what caused so many problems during our wedding planning. (my parents paid for over half of the wedding, we paid the rest, and his mom paid for the rehearsal dinner and tried to get put of paying for out of town guests... which only included my uncle and wife) I figured she would bring it up... Not that I would put dh and his mom on the spot. He always says she doesn't have a lot of money, so I didn't want to presume she was going to get anything big for the baby... Hoping, but not presuming.

Instead of taking my parents paying for these as extremely generous, he's basically accusing them of hogging the most sentimental gifts by"calling it first". I told him that the furniture can be from both the grandmas, but the sick part is that we don't even know if his mom is offering that. He is upset that I didn't ask him if his mom wanted to buy it... ???? I felt like that would have caused an argument.

So now he decided to sleep in the other room last night and I barely slept so now I feel tired and dizzy and should be at work right now but am instead still in bed. I just called him to tell him I don't feel well and he just said to stay home then and sounded mad that I didn't have anything else to say... Like an apology to him?!?! For what??!

I also hate how now a positive, generous thing from my parents is turning into a negative. That's not fair.

Thanks for listening...

UPDATE: Thank you all. I feel better knowing that it wasn't just me. I guess I can just chalk it up to male PMS because he has been wonderful up to that point. This has always been a sore subject, but he just called me and said how much he loves me and that he loves that I'm having his baby, but that we just have to communicate a little better when it comes to this. That will be hard for me, because I hold in a lot of things that bother me with his family - not big things, just things that eat away that I would rather not cause any tension with me and DH. That's why I didn't push what his mom would be getting for the baby. Sometimes Mars and Venus couldn't seem more far apart from each other! As for the sleeping in the other room, he blamed it on his back hurting from our sucky mattress and needing a good night sleep after many sleepless nights (we were already planning to go buy a new mattress this weekend, so I know that's true, but it was just bad timing).

Thanks for your support everyone!!

Message edited 2/3/2011 11:16:24 AM.

Re: Soooo upset...

oh that's hard. . I guess I don't really understand why people get attached to getting specific gifts. . I had 5 HS friends chip in for my crib and bought our furniture ourselves so my opinion is I'm just happy to get anything from anyone - whether it's a onesie or something big. .

I'm not sure why DH got so upset with you - maybe he feels bad that his mom can't do it or something. . especially as the hurt does not seem to be coming from her yet but from him. .

I'm sure the intensity of this will blow over - I know things for DH and I can get really emotional in this time bc so much is going on - but just know you love each other and it will work out.

Maybe ask him what would make him happy in this situation and see what he proposes. . NOT to say he is right - I agree that you have nothing nothing to apologize for. . but sometimes it's about. . well we can't change what happened so what can we do to fix it. .

still sorry what should have been a happy moment turned into an awful one!

Re: Soooo upset...

Tell him to put his big girl panties on and get over it. You were not being presumptious about what she was willing to give (and based on previous experiences, you were right to do so). Your parents offered; you accepted. If it meant so much to her, she should have spoken up sooner or he could have suggested something else. There is PLENTY a baby needs. Last time I checked, no one was brozing cribs, etc. to keep as family heirlooms.

You are PREGNANT with HIS CHILD. He needs to stop acting like THE BABY and man up! Getting mad at you over stupid $&%@ is pointless and unhealthy for both you and your child. I sincerely hope he grows up before your baby comes.

Re: Soooo upset...

I don't understand ... if his parents wanted to buy the crib, wouldn't they have offered?

No one offered to buy ours, so we just went ahead and bought it ... why should we wait for an offer that might not come?

Re: Soooo upset...

Wow, tough situation.

Sounds like your DH is probably disappointed with his mom and you are getting the sh!tty end of the stick.

I know for a long time DH and I fought over how my parents always offer to pay for things and his never did. But his parents aren't really in a situation to offer us anything, which is why I would get mad that he was mad at my parents.

Eventually we came to an acceptance that this was just the way it is and have never had a discussion about it since.

Although I will say I stopped accepting so much from my parents because even I realized it was getting out of control. I'd say something like "Oh we need to buy the bedding for the crib" and my mom would say "Just tell me which one and I'll buy it". It got to the point where I even felt like they were trying to be our saviors and we just didn't need that, we were perfectly capable.

I think you should just ask DH, "How can I make this better for you, I don't want you to be upset with me?"

That question is always a winner in this house, because most of the time he then realizes I am not the problem and he needs to deal with it himself

Re: Soooo upset...

Seriously, he needs to get over it. He is going to be a dad, stop with the games. I think it is very generous of your parents and he needs to be thankful. Considering his mom has not even offered a damn thing, he needs to quit it. If she wanted to buy one, I am sure she would have said so already. What are you going to do, wait til the day before delivery for her to "possibly" offer. He is being really immature!!!

Re: Soooo upset...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't understand why everyone gets crazy over who is buying what specific item for the baby. My ILs bought the baby's crib and dresser at like 4 weeks and 15 weeks - MUCH earlier than I'm even comfortable with. My family was bothered by it, but I explained there are a LOT of things we're going to need that costs just as much as those items and are just as vital. So now my Dad wants to give us a large sum of money to buy what we need when we're ready. It's not a competition and I don't understand why people turn it into one.

I would let things calm down with your DH and then sit down and have a conversation with him. Explain that you didn't know his parents wanted to buy the furniture. Perhaps they can buy some of the other important items the baby will need.

Feel better!

Re: Soooo upset...

DH's parents had asked us if my parnets said anything about buying the baby furniture, and we said no so they offered to pay and we were fine with that.
The next time I saw my parents furniture came up and I said oh DH's parents offered to pay for it, so then my parents said they would like to pay for half if his parents were OK with that.
His parents do not mind, so they are both paying.

Maybe your DH can bring it up in some way and throw in that your parents offered to pay to see what she says...

Re: Soooo upset...

i think your husband is misplacing his aggression towards you because he loves you and this is what men do sometimes...i think he's really mad at his mom because she didn't offer and now he feels like his family is somewhat "less" than yours? i would just sit down with him and tell him you want to have a calm (No yelling because it isn't good for the baby) discussion and let him know how badly he made you feel over something you have no control over and that your parents offer is extremely generous and he should be thankful for that....good luck...i'm sure you will work it all out!

Re: Soooo upset...

I think it's nice your parents offered. While his mom could have some interest in paying for something, you don't know that. To me, it would be presumptuous to bring it up and ask if she wants to pay for something big like that.. If she had no intent, now she'd be on the spot.

Re: Soooo upset...

Why don't you bring it up to him that if he feels that strongly about it, why doesn't the both of you buy it instead? Any if any of the family wants to 'pinch' in, they can give you money towards it

Re: Soooo upset...

Tell him that if he wants to ask his mom, thats his business...I personally feel its tacky to ASK his mom if she wants to buy something..

Tell him there are PLENTY of other just as "sentimental gifts" to give. And he should be thankful that your parents offered to purchase such a big ticket item saving you guys money.

I think your DH is just being a little silly!

My dad offered to buy the crib the day after I told him I was pregnant. My ILs offered later than that, so I told them that my dad has already made the offer. So they bought all my bedding and all the matching accessories. I love both. Neither is more special than the other to me. My brothers bought my glider and changing table. And my DH's siblings bought alot of "little" stuff. Everything is special. Everything was appreciate, and everything was used alot when DS was small! And MOst everything is going to be used again when this baby arrives.
This isnt about calling Dibs, so he has to get over it!

Re: Soooo upset... Update

I really don't understand why your DH is upset. He is being a big baby! If his parents wanted to buy it, they should have offered. I think it is rude to ASK them if they want to buy it.

There is PLENTY of other big ticket items that they could buy. Strollers, car seats, swings, etc. what would really be generous is for them to pay for the baby shower.

Re: Soooo upset... Update

If I were your DH and you DID ask/expect your MIL to buy that furniture..........THAT would piss me off !! -

I would NEVER EVER even CONSIDER asking someone if they 'wanted to' or 'planned to' buy something like that !!

Re: Soooo upset... Update

I am so sorry!!! I am happy to read the update though that everything is ok now and that you and DH talked it through.

I don't think he is right though as far as asking if his parents want to pay for the bedroom furniture. If his parents wanted to pay for it, they would have said so. My parents are paying for our furniture, and my mom is paying for my shower. As far as I know DH's parents haven't offered anything, although I know they will be very generous, they are just not letting us know what they are getting us yet, doesn't mean that we are going to wait to see.

I hope DH understands that what your parents are doing is so generous and not an attack in any way, shape or form on his parents. Bottom line is that it is all for the baby!