SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I'm kinda putting myself out there with this one...but I'm hoping that maybe some of you were in a similar situation and could offer me some words of advice.

I think I'm losing my grip. Lately, I feel like my life is a runaway freight train with no one at the wheel. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore--everything is too big, too daunting, too much to deal with...

I have 2 children, 22 months and 4 months, they are the light of my life. I love them more than anything else in this world. But since returning to teaching this past August, I feel that I am not doing right by them. This new school I'm in completely zaps all of my time and even more energy than I have. I walk in the door in the afternoon and I have nothing left to give.

Even though I'm giving everything I have at work, it's not good enough, and I'm starting to get sloppy about things.

I haven't done my laundry in over 2 weeks. Thank God our babysitter does the kids' laundry, because they wouldn't have anything to wear, either.

My house is in a constant state of disarray. But disarray doesn't even BEGIN to convey they way it looks. All the time. It looks like someone picked my house up, turned it upside, shook it, and put it back on its foundation.

I think this weekend was when I realized that I need to get some help. DH is in NY for his friend's bachelor party. I wasn't thrilled about him going, since we are really still adjusting to having 2 small children. But, off he went...

My mom took the kids for the afternoon yesterday so I could get some sleep (both kids have VERY nasty colds...lots of green stuff and congestion ). Yesterday was great. And then, there was today.

My mom wasn't available to help me. All I wanted was to get showered, take the kids for a walk in the morning, and get to the supermarket in the afternoon. Both kids were so miserable, my daughter was into everything. I lost it. Right there in the middle of the kitchen. Full-on sobbing, couldn't catch my breath.

I think I need help.

I can't seem to find the balance between work and home. I feel I'm doing a sh*tty job at work, and an even sh*ttier job as a mom. And forget the role of wife...I'm so stressed out, tired and overextended that my DH is lucky if he gets a kiss from me when I get home. Not that I don't love him, or that I don't wish we had time for more...

I don't know, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say...but I think it's time I pick up the phone and go talk to somebody, because I really feel like I'm on the edge of a huge nervous breakdown

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

First off, lots of

Second, does your DH help out around the house? Can you have someone to come in and clean every two weeks, or at least once a month? That is a huge help to me. A lifesaver actually. They do the big cleaning, and I keep up with it in between.

Being a mom is hard, never mind to two kids under two, and also working a full time job (I could only imagine!)

I would lean on your DH more, it's not fair for you to feel that the entire brunt of the house is on your shoulders.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I'm sorry, I cant relate to to having 2 small DC or working, but I do know when DS was 4m old I thought I was having PPD. I didnt notice it was my periods until 2m later when I noticed a pattern PMSing. I made an appt with my ob to talk about it. He gave me some numbers and a support group. I didnt go bc I wanted to give it some time, and also I was very nervous. Make an appt with your ob and ask if it could possibly be PPD or PMDD. If not, it is completely normal to feeling this way with all that you have going on. GL and keep us updated!

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

i am so sorry u r feeling like this.... it seems like u are being pulled in way too many directions.... i have a 22 month old and have breakdowns.. cant even imagine throwing a 4 months old into the mix. things will def get easier in the future but right now u need help. ur familiy, husband, friends... tell them all u need help..... since husband went away for a weekend, u deserve something fun as well. get together w your friends (if u can find energy) .... he needs to help out more. (equally) i would tell u to see a counselor but u may not have time..... and it might stress u out even more. maybe all u need is an hour to yourself a day. have babysitter stay a little longer or have mom cook u guys dinner every other night. utilize everyone......... also..... maybe u cant work full time right now.... can u do something part time after the holidays? u can only do what u can do..... but it seems everything is suffering...... i am sure it will get easier and u will work it all out. 1st figure out what u need... time for u, part time work, help from hubby, fam, friends, therapist, etc etc etc.... hugs

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

have someone clean ur house every 2 weeks...... or ask familiy for help... drop off laundry at landromat..... its fun as heck dropping off dirty clothes and getting them back all folded and clean as can be!!!! its the little things in life

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

You know what, if you think you need to talk to someone, maybe you do Lately my job has taken the back burner due to have another child. I'm so worried about him, my home, that my job seems meaningless. I am def being sloppy at work, and you know what, as much as I try, I can't fix it for some reason. I'm mentally exhausted.

You have to think about you and your family right now. Try to cut down ur workload at work. If you can't, maybe get someone to come clean your home if ur finacially able to. Maybe taking away just one responsibility will help you get urself together, KWIM? Good luck, and remember, letting people know your overwelmed is the first step in figuring out how to fix it.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

oh Beth

I was there a few months ago. I have a woman who comes 2 times a month and is at my house for 10 hours each time. She cleans. Like REALLY cleans and puts away stuff. Folds all the laundry. I went out and bought like 6 laundry baskets so all I have to do is wash and dry and she folds everything. Irons what needs to be ironed and puts it away. This was HUUUUUGE for me.

I started planing out meals for the week really simple stuff for the crock pot so I didn't have to think about dinner the day of or night before because I was too tired to think.

I know you've mentioned that you've had to put in WAY more hours in school than is usually normal. Is their any way you can talk to the principal about this? Can you cut down hours somehow?

WHat about getting a high school kid to come over 2-3 days a week for a few hours after school to help you with the kids so you can finish whatever work you may need. THey can get the kids started with dinner etc. maybe help with baths to get them to bed? Anythign to help you catch up.

ALso, have you talked to your MD about PPD? I knwo you are under a lot of stress but maybe you also have a little PPD that is dragging you down even more on top of everything else.

I'm so sorry for you. If you were closer I'd come and help even if it was a shoulder to cry on!

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

Just by you reaching out I think it is time! I agree with Diana...can you afford to get someone in to help with the chores and clean a bit this way when you walk in the door you just have to worry about the kiddies? If not, talk to your mom/husband/fam members and reach out and see if they can consistently help you a bit so you can "breath" again. Don't be afraid to tell them how you feel and your not asking if they could, but rather you absolutley NEED it. Lastly, it can't hurt to talk to a professional, therapy is good for everyone. Lots of and please keep us posted.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I was in your shoes except I only have one. I broke down in my clinical supervisors office and literally said, while crying, i am a bad mother, a bad wife and a bad intern. I felt like i was spread too thin and couldn't do anything well enough. It was taking everything I had to just survive without completely falling apart. Taling to her really made a big difference (she's psychologist) and helped me put many things in perspective.

You need help and knowing that you do is the 1st step. You need to take care of yourself - emotionally, physically and mentally. Make an apptmt with a psychologist, see how it goes and how you feel. Huge life changes can bring to the surface many things/issues that we have repressed. And, it's ok that you cried, sounds like that was a healthy thing to do. You are going through a lot and your hormones are still in flux which inevitably compounds things. You need to take care of yourself, both for yourself and for your family. I'm sorry that things are so difficult now, I hope that you find the calm that you need.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

OK first of all stop and take a deep breath.
I think there is no time like the present to go and talk with someone. I would start with a psychologist. Maybe you just need an outlet. I go to therapy b/c I just need that safe place. It helps me regroup when I feel like things are getting to much. It's easier for me to talk things through and come with a plan there. It's something I need and do for myself. There is no shame in it.

Second I think you must get help cleaning your house. Does the babysitter take care of cleaning up the kid's toys, dishes, etc? I know she's not your housekeeper but she should maintain their things during the day. You shouldn't have additional mess from them.

If your house feels out of control. Pick a room and start there. I find that if things get too messy it only gets worse and makes me more stressed out and the task seems too daunting. So start small. A good kitchen always feels good. So clean up the kitchen. Get everything put away, counters cleaned, etc. Then another day clean your bedroom. You need a clean and relaxing place to sleep. Put the laundry away, make your bed, clean the mirrors, light a candle so it smells nice. You get the idea. Don't look at the whole house right now. Tackle one room at a time. I know you're tired but force yourself to do it. It will only make you feel better in the long run. Then get someone to come in and help maintain it. DH needs to help keep it clean and picked up too.

OK next....what are you doing to take care of yourself? Sleeping enough? How is your diet? Do you take vitamins? I know your swamped and your kids need you but do not put yourself on the bottom of the list. You will be no good to anyone if you crash and burn.

Life is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom times two is a million times harder but you can do it.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

Thanks so much, everyone. It made me feel so much better to hear that some of you have been there and know what I am going through

To answer a few questions:

1. Believe it or not, we do have someone that cleans for us. If I could afford to have her come every week, I definitely would. But for now, she comes every other week. And the house looks great for about a day, and then it's in shambles again. We have too much "stuff". Our bedroom is awful--all my maternity clothes in piles that still need to be packed away, HUGE amounts of clothing that "will fit me again someday". I can't bring myself to get rid of them because DH and I are about to go back to WW, and we just don't have the money for me to buy those clothes all over again.

2. Our babysitter does maintain the kids' toys and things like that. She's pretty good about it.

3. I spend a good hour + each night cleaning the kitchen/living room, but it never gets spotless. I'm not sure why this is...again, I think it boils down to too much clutter (For instance, I'm a huge coupon shopper--I have piles and piles of coupon circulars in the kitchen that need to be clipped and put into the coupon organizer, but I just can't seem to find the time to do it).

4. I want to make totally clear that my DH is a GODSEND. He is AMAZING when it comes to helping me run the house. He'll throw in a load of laundry, help me clean, even make it a "breakfast for dinner" night every now and again so he can cook . I think I've taken him for granted for too long--and having him away this weekend made me realize just how awful things would be if he weren't so good about helping out.

I think I will see about finding a psychologist. I think it's time. I'm ready to find myself and rediscover my old relationship with my husband again. I miss the way we used to be. I still love him as much as ever, but we are both so bogged down and exhausted.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

Ok, so basically what you need to do is take a Saturday morning, send the kids out with your DH and pick a room.

Go through the coupons quickly. Throw away anything you don't need. Any papers that you don't need to file away - go right in the garbage. I have an accordian file for coupons and gift cards that I keep in my bag. Once you clip the coupons put them away so they are out of sight.

As for the maternity clothes - if you are going to save them, get a bin and store them. If you are planning on donating them just throw them in a bag and get rid of them.

These things can be done in a few hours on a Saturday morning and will make you feel so much better.

Talk to your babysitter about doing some more chores. Maybe she can clean the bathrooms once a week (nothing too crazy, but something that can help you out just a little bit more)

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I had a lot of similar feelings after the birth of my first DS. I worked FT and even though I had only 1 child at the time, my job was stressful and I was spent when I walked in the door at 6:30-7 each night. Like you, I felt like I had little left to give my son after work left me so drained.

I definitely had PPD- my anxiety had reached a high level, I was definitely not myself and everything upset me.

I started seeing a therapist at the time when DS was 5 months old and it helped tremendously. I talked through my issues with her and felt a lot better.

I also had a problem with what my house looked like. The therapist told me a lot of that was about control- I loved having my house clean and in order. I think because so many other parts of my life were out of control- (my job I didn't like, my kids' health, etc) keeping my house in order made me feel somewhat sane.

I spent a few weekends cleaning out clutter and organizing, and that made a difference. I also learned to let things go- things in the house were never going to be perfect- and after a while, I was okay with that.

Good luck to you- you have a lot on your plate but there is help out there!

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I struggle as well with all this so I try and remove as many of my "chores" as I can- or at least tackle them differently. That can free up a little time and for me that helps a lot.

Is it in your budget to get a cleaning lady? We have someone come every other week and it REALLY takes a load off me. It takes about a week for the house to start getting messy again and then once it's unbearable- like you described- POOF- she comes again, lol. I know that's just one thing you mentioned but for me, when my living space is a disaster, I feel like a disaster as well.

As far as groceries I order Peapods pretty much exclusively. There is now a Peapod app even! It is SO much easier shopping from the computer or my phone. I do it during a few free minutes from work.

As far as laundry- my MIL does ds' and I send out ours.

I know some people might say this all costs extra $$ but for me I have started to make the sacrifices elsewhere. For example, on mondays I pretty much bring GROCERIES to work, lol, so I only spend like $15 for the week of breakfast and lunch instead of $15+ a day.

So basically, I rebudgeted a bit to make extra for things that make my career/mommy life a little easier. When I can free up some time to just play with my son I feel like I'm doing a better job, kwim?

ETA I didn't see your second post. My advice for that is to throw out/donate. I try really hard to let go of things we don't need/use. Spend a whole day trying to get rid of stuff. Then, be more careful when you shop. I used to buy buy buy but now I tend to walk around a store and put things down.

PS I know what you mean about feeling like the house is a mess right after the cleaning lady comes. It's the worst feeling. Try and remember that even though it is "messy" again- it is still "clean" in the sense that everything is still sanitized etc. for your dc and THAT is being a good mommy!

Message edited 10/18/2010 9:06:14 AM.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I hate to sound cliche, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem.

If you are saying out loud that you need help, call your OB or your GP and get the names of a few doctors you can talk to. I did after my first DD, and believe me they take it very seriously. I had an appt with someone the next day.

And just to add, I agree with everything Diana says about the coupons and clothes. The same goes for mail, get an organizer and put bills or other things you need in there. Everything else, throw out. DD likes to look at some of the catalogs, but they are genereally in the garbage after a day or two.

I hope things get better soon.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

I read this post this morning and there was a lot here that completely resonated with me...

You have to let up on yourself.. and I say this and smile to myself because I need to follow the advice I give...

Yesterday I almost had a melt down b/c I took my sweater out of the drier and there was a tear in it.. seriously, that's not normal behavior! My husband, thankfully, talked me off the ledge. He knows how I can get LOL!

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the small stuff- the messy house, toys everywhere, etc... but you can't- because honestly, your kids will not care! You just have to let all this stuff go.. and you cannot do it all.. you need to make sure that you and your husband have an equitable division of the household chores.

I cook, I clean the bathroom, wipe down the kitchen, put away toys, clothes, etc...

He vacuums, he does dishes and he does laundry... no one can do it all.

As women I think the role of wife and mother is one we think we need to tackle 100% We think we need to have it all and do it all- and well, without a full staff of support, it is impossible! Something has to give, and often it is our own sanity!

So, relinquish some of it- let it go...

I was so uptight yesterday my mom called me and said, "i know it is my fault that you are so tightly wound- i was the same way and I made you this way b/c you learned it from me... but you don't want that for Maddie, so stop it now".

It's hard, but I know she is absolutely right.

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

Beth. I am a couponer too. I cut form papers and print online but I keep them organized from the start. I cut and file them into my holder right away. Otherwise it's too much clutter and if I'm not organized they won't get used anyway.

I agree. Get the kids gone for a Saturday. Maybe your mom can take them and you and DH can work together to get rid of clutter and pack up clothes. If you're not using stuff and it's just sitting around collecting dust get rid of it (clothes IMO are the exception). I know it seems like a huge undertaking but I can assure you having some kind of clutter free space will feel like a huge weight lifted.
I can't even explain the instant anxiety that comes over me when the house gets in disarray and I don't get to deal with it. I am sitting her now know I must get up and clean the kitchen, vaccuum, go put laundry and make beds so that I don't feel stressed all day and so that the mess doesn't just grow. What about getting up 30 minutes earlier so you can load the dishwasher and make beds before you leave?

Re: SPR: How do you know when it's time to seek help? (LONG)

Forst off dont be soo hard on yourself. My first 2 are 15 months apart and it was rough. It is a very big adjustment, expecially when they are that small and they need so much attention. I have 3 now, I work full time and I am the cleaning lady, the only way I survive is to have somekind of routine. Also I dont sit down until about 10pm each night.

It does get better though... I think the first thing you need to do is get caught up. Maybe you can get someone to watch the kids for the day or call in sick and dedicate a whole day to getting rid of the clutter. It is alot easier to stay on track with a clean start. I have to do this every few months because it slowly catches up to me.