Re: Stopping at one child?

Posted by maybesoon

pleas don't let people's comments influence your decision. I'm expecting # 2 and already DH, my parents, and DH parents are asking for # 3 and really pushing the issue. I can not believe the pressure I am receiving to have # 3! I just tell people I do not want 3 children, and it's hard for them to acccept.

Re: Stopping at one child?

We have been going back and forth as well! I had a csection and then a blood clot (very large blood clot) and almost died. I am still trying to get rid of this darn thing ~ So we are still deciding if having #2 will be right for us when I am better!

You and your hubby will both decide what is right for you and your family ~ I just hate when people put in there 2 cents

Re: Stopping at one child?

Posted by mcl916

Thanks EVERYONE for your replies, I really appreciate it.

Posted by headoverheels

Megan, I think whatever you decide you'll be happy. Gavin is obviously well loved!

Not having been in your shoes, I have to ask - would you ever be comfortable telling people who ask "We tried and we can't"?

I mean, it's such a personal decision, whether you choose to have no children, one child, or 20. And I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't always conscious of how rude I was being when I asked people about their childrbearing plans I think if someone had put me in my place pre-LIF that might have been a big wake up call!

Actually I've gotten to the point where I will tell people how we have tried, and how we came to the deicison, and their response is "keep trying, I knew [insert random person] who got pregnant after infertitliy". What they don't understand is that I've made the decision to stop trying all together because that is what is stressful for me. And I really don't mind people asking, as long as their response is not to scold me for my decision!! Like the few responses about how mean I am to Gavin to not have another, how horrible it is to make him an only child. Who says that to someone?!?

Re: Stopping at one child?

Posted by mcl916

Posted by maybesoon

pleas don't let people's comments influence your decision. I'm expecting # 2 and already DH, my parents, and DH parents are asking for # 3 and really pushing the issue. I can not believe the pressure I am receiving to have # 3! I just tell people I do not want 3 children, and it's hard for them to acccept.

Oh I definately am not letting them influence my decision, but I just can't believe how rude they are!! But you're right, people have an opinion on everything and feel they have the right to share it. I have to keep reminding myself people are dumb

Re: Stopping at one child?

Thats just selfish on the part of the people DEMANDING you have another one because THEY WANT a "niece or granddaughter, or whatever".

My response to anyone who says something like that to you would be "Well, since YOU seem to want a baby so badly, why don't YOU have one??????????"

Re: Stopping at one child?

As some of you know, we had to do IVF to conceive Tommy. I look at him and think yes I do want to give him a brother or sister someday, but if that's not in the cards for us, I am so blessed to have him! He brings us so much joy every day And I think it's fair to answer people, it's in God's hands or something along those lines

Message edited 1/5/2010 9:29:21 AM.

Re: Stopping at one child?

Every family has to do what is right for them. Would it be fair to your child now to have her mom go through turmoil just to have another child? NO

Re: Stopping at one child?

Hi. I just read your post and thought i would respond since I am an only child (and so is my DH). I am very glad that I was an only child. Sure, I remember asking my parents for a sibling and thinking I was getting one but that is common and passes. I had great fun as a child and was doted on and adored by my parents. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and dad and I'm 33 now. I just had my 1st baby and they watch him for me so I can finish my doctoral degree. A lot of the research says that only children are high achievers and independent and I think that's true. I graduated from an Ivy League university and am getting a doctorate. I can honestly say that I am and have generally been happy. Only children get a lot of attention from their parents and generally that is a positive. Also, onlies spend a lot of time with adults so they tend to be more mature and have more developed language. I guess I'm not sure what you were really looking to hear but just wanted you to know that I don't think there is anything wrong with have just one child. I think I turned out pretty ok. Also, having just one child seems to be more common now. Only you know what is right for your family and your choice is strictly yours. People love to make comments about having an only child but I always just ignored them.

Re: Stopping at one child?

Posted by KateDevine

It really hard to say you are one and done to people, even if you are confident in your decision

I have heard it all ("you are young", "every pregnancy is different", and the one that upsets me the most "you have to give DS a sibling" )

Anyway, I think that having one child is fantastic, as is being a family of three

Re: Stopping at one child?

After a lot of soul searching, I think we may be done at this point, but our situation is different - I already have 2 stepdaughters, I'm 36 and DH is 46. so people don't ask a lot of questions - but they see how much I love being a mom and ask me if I'm ready for another.

I answer them honestly. "I am always ready for another, but that decision is not always entirely up to my control."

they usually shut up after that and realize i may be hinting at fertility issues (which may be the case anyway since we tried last year unsuccessfully)

I think whatever is meant to be is the right decision!

Re: Stopping at one child?

Screw the 'norm' - and tell everyone else to shove it -

If you and your DH are happy with your family, and have made the decision to have one child for WHATEVER reason, you do not have to explain your life decisions to ANYONE .........It doesn't matter if you feel you're too old, you have fertility problems, you don't think you can handle two, you can't financially swing two, you want to be able to spoil the one you have .........you just don't want another .......WAHTEVER the reason may be, it's YOURS -


It infuriates me when people stick their noses into such private, personal, MAJOR life decisions - Having kids is not
'just something you do'
Are people stupid? Do they not realize that having a baby is not getting a new pair of freakin' shoes ??? So many people (especailly older generations) take it so lightly .......well, maybe 50 years ago you had 10 kids and didn't think twice about it ........great for you, it's not 50 years ago, and people's lives are not the same ........-

Don't feel guilty, don't let ANYONE let you feel you're doing something 'wrong' - and as far as the sibling thing.........I personally think it's great to have a sibling ........but that's b/c I love my sister and we hae a great relationship - that is not always the case.
Just b/c you have the same parents does NOT make kids immideate and automatic BFFs !!

Re: Stopping at one child?

Message edited 1/5/2010 12:29:05 PM.

Re: Stopping at one child?

The minute we decide "ok, we're going TTC for #2", something always happens that makes us want to stay a family of 3 (well 4 with the dog). I don't think we're ready just yet, the plan was this summer but I am not 100% sure about that...we are so comfortable now and love the 200% undivided attention DS receives from us, I'm not sure if I'm ready to share it yet. And then comes the being spoiled part, we want to travel together, go out, do things that with 2 kids would be really hard to do, at least for the first few years. We're still pretty young and have some time to decide.

ETA: As far as the comments go, I would just tell people that it is RUDE to constantly question one's childbearing plans!

Message edited 1/5/2010 12:28:05 PM.

Re: Stopping at one child?

Re: Stopping at one child?

I'm with you. I'm right now in a place where one and done is just the best for my family. I am not having an issue with my decision but yes... others.. man how they gab.

Even if you lie and say you're trying or that its in God's hands, which assumes you're trying, its always a pity party.

Why can't we just say "no thank you" ugh

I think when the babies are older and so are we it will slow down. For now its just the price we pay for the choices we make and for the courage to stand up for them!

Re: Stopping at one child?

I'm older so I don't get too many comments, but I love the "you have to give DS a sibling" comment. I am going to start using my dad old line as a response: "I don't HAVE to do anything but pay taxes and die...."

It's such a personal decision, I really don't understand why people HAVE to know the answer. Also, I think there's a big difference between sitting down with a family member or friend and the conversation turns naturally in that direction and the instances where you are totally put on the spot by someone not close to you or even by a stranger. Why would a stranger even CARE whether or not I have another baby?

I am done. I know for a fact I am done. Those close to me know this and some know the reason(s) why. People are mistaken if they think 1.) it is something that I don't have mixed feelings about 2.) they can understand my personal situation enough to make that decision for me 3.) I really give a rat's *** what their opinion of it is.

Re: Stopping at one child?

My DS is 4 and he is it for me. Dont know if most of the girls know my story, but with DH having a mental illness, all the parenting falls on me and I'm just just scraping by now being a mom and DAD. I go back and forth with it, some days wishing Jacob had a sibling, then realizing its not so terrible from knowing friends that are onlies and turned out fine..

Some days when i'm busy with taking care of everything, and Jacob wants to play I wish I could call a "rent a sibling" service to occupy his time so he doesnt feel so lonely.. thats when it upsets me.

But, this is what God had in his plan for me, and I accept it and am thankful that he blessed me with the adorable loving child i have now.

My own MIL (Knowing what i'm going thru with her mentally ill son) has said to me on more than one occasion.. " If you were only going to have one child, you just shouldnt have had any AT ALL! "

WHO SAYS THATTTT?????

She says its not fair that he has no siblings, and that someday when me and DH are gone, he wont have anyone to turn to, and that is just terrible..

Shes a complete Ahole.. i just take it with a grain of salt, but stupid people really should NOT be allowed to speak!!

You do whats best for your family..

Re: Stopping at one child?

I was the only child in my home and I think I turned out great

Growing up I always wanted a brother or sister like everyone else because I wanted to have that best friend. But unfortunately my mom was not able to have any other kids. Now, as an adult in some ways it is great because I have my parents all to myself and dont have to deal with alot of sibling issues so many people seem to face. My parents are my best friends.

People are usually surprised when I tell them I'm an only child because I dont come across as the "typical" only child...many people think only children are selfish, always thinking about themselves and everything has to be there way. My parents didnt raise me like that and I was always surrounded by my cousins and family. I've always been super independent and much more mature than everyone else....some say that's because I was an only child.

What is best for your family is what's right!

Message edited 1/9/2010 11:10:04 PM.

Re: Stopping at one child?

i just wanted to add another twist to this. I have 4 boys. People are not satisfied with that either.. i get come on you can try ONE more time for the girl.. you can't NOt have a girl ect... when i say i 'm done people look at me with such disappointment. they can't understand that i am thrilled with my 4 healthy beautiful boys and do not need to have a girl to fulfil my life! so i think it's perfectly fine to stop at one and my sister is happy with just her one son and is stopping there as well. Just my 2 cents

Re: Stopping at one child?

We are definitely done. It took me 4 years to get PG, then we lost our son at 22 weeks, another year to get PG with DS and 4 months of bedrest and then DS was born the day after I was allowed my one outing on bedrest....there is NO way I could ever do the bedrest alone again, forget about the IF treatments.

But, I totally agree about people making comments. Even those that know our situation have said "Oh you'll have another, don't worry"....ummmm, yeah not likely

Re: Stopping at one child?

There is a 50/50 chance at this point that DD will be the only child- multiple factors come into play for us. The most common comment I get, which is PAINFUL is "You don't want her to be ALONE, do you?" Each time I hear that it kills me and it makes me sick. But truly she has so many cousins and children of family and friends on the way that I don't ever see her as feeling "lonley" as an only child. I was an only child for 7 years and I only remember loving it (not that I don't love having a sibiling.) I don't see anything wrong with it