Need help on what to tell a friend

I've been thinking about advice for my girlfriend since last weekend. She confessed to me that her job is really stressful for her and it is straining her relationship w/ her hubby. She didn't specify much, but I got the gist that work just puts her in a bad mood that she doesn't shake off easily. Her DH said he wants her to quit, take an easier job with less responsibilities and less commute and less hours. He'd rather her be happy inside than always stressed. She doesn't know if she's ready to lose the salary and feels like a failure. She asked me what I would do! I didn't even know what to tell her... I guess she's asking if she would look like a failure, but it's hard bc I don't know if its the job or her.. she tends to easily stress and freak and carry extra burdens. I also think her DH is right bc your family life should be fulfilling - not stressed bc of a job (and she's not the breadwinner, which is a point that he and she made)

WWYD?? I really don't know what I would.....

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

I would tell her that being happy is more important than making tons of money. If she quits her job to spend more time with her family and to lead a less stressful and more fullfilled life, she is definitely NOT a failure.

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

Being happy is more important than a job. While its nice to have a job you can be happy at, when it stops its time to change asap. If money will become an issue then maybe she needs to look elsewhwere where she can make almost the same amount of money.
I don't think of her as a failure, just someone in desperate need of a change

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

When I was working on Wall Street, an older woman there looked at me sympathetically one night when I was there at 9PM and said "Remember, making a living is not living a life." I left that job soon after.

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

sounds like she feels if she doesn't work hard, put the hours in, make the money that she is not contributing and loses her independence.

I felt that way. But it's not the case. You should not be judged by what you make and your title..

there's way more to life than that.

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

Don't quit! I left my job to go back to school full-time and DH throws it in my face all the time that he's the one who makes the money. We NEVER had money issues when I was working and it can be very stressful for money to tighten up. If she takes a job making less money the issues at home might get a lot worse.

Re: Need help on what to tell a friend

I wanted to reply to this yesterday, but got caught up with -- ironically -- work.

I just want to offer a different perspective... While I do agree that happiness is more important than money, I think your friend also needs someone to understand that, while stressful and difficult, in a way, her job IS important to her.

It's very easy to say that happiness is more important than money or a particular job. It's also, however, very easy to be sucked into the work environment in a high-powered or high-paying job. I'm not saying that it's necessarily right, but it is what it is. Some of these extremely stressful jobs almost have the feel of some elite club from the "inside" and on some level, people may feel that being an insider is important. I see it all the time where I work -- how certain other firms are perceived, how other types of lawyers are perceived, how money is perceived, etc., etc., etc. Now, granted, not EVERYONE I work with is a rich, elitist snob. It's really not that at all -- but we pour a tremendous amount of time, energy, and effort into our jobs. We take pride in our jobs and our companies to an extent (even if we're miserable) because we've dedicated a substantial part of who we are into that work. Often, there is a camaraderie among the employees in these types of jobs -- even if they're all really miserable. Other places, it may be cutthroat and sticking with things (even when miserable and at the expense of more important things) is rewarded and valued there. The longer you're in this sort of environment, the more some people buy into this world and lifestyle. It's hard to break away sometimes, even though it's often for the best. (And honestly, even though there is that fear that the "insiders" will shun you for not being able to hack it, the reality is that most are jealous of those who have the guts to put their priorities in order and choose happiness over work.) Also, don't get me wrong, there are also a lot of people who truly love their jobs - though it doesn't sound like your friend is one of them.

Please don't misunderstand my point, though. I'm not saying that these are reasons for your friend to choose to stay. I DO think that happiness should come first, with the practical caveat that you can support yourself. I am saying that it seems that no one in her personal life seems to understand the attraction and draw of what she does and that may make her feel that no one understands why it's a struggle. I'm sure it's partly money, but it's also probably partly an emotional sort of attachment to something she's dedicated tremendous efforts to for a period of time. Whatever advice you give, make sure you come from a place that understands that is a terribly complicated decision for her that involves a lot of emotion beyond just being miserable at work. When you're on the inside of a job - even one that makes you miserable - it's often difficult to justify pursuing something else. Try to help her take a rational approach to her decision, to write down what is most important in her life and how she wants to arrange her priorities (bearing in mind that making a living may need to be on the list for her). Then have her write down the pros and cons of keeping her job, etc. ,etc. Then brainstorm a bunch of different routes she could choose. She may also be miserable not only b/c she doesn't like her job, but because she doesn't know what she really wants to do. It's important for her to make the right move for her, so she may need time to decide what she really wants to do.

I do completely agree that happiness is more important than a job, status, or money. Hands down happiness wins. However, it may not be so easy for her to see that, and I think she'll appreciate you being understanding of the complex relationship a lot of people can have with their careers. I'm sure for a lot of people in her life, they can't understand how this isn't an easy decision (and how it isn't all about the money). I bet she'll appreciate you showing her that you understand -- or, rather, listening to her and getting her to talk about how she feels about her job and where she wants to go in the future. It's scary knowing you want out of something, but not know exactly where you want to go.

Good luck to her. She's VERY lucky to have such a caring friend in you.