OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

I've talked about our neighbors a few times. They have the three sweetest little girls on earth, that Alex just adores. But, the parents are always fighting, loudly, and the father is always disappearing. I feel so bad for the mom, but didn't feel just yet that we were close enough to ask her if she needs to talk.

We've gotten closer over the past few weeks. Today, she was outside with the three girls, so I asked, where's Peter? (her husband). She started crying hysterically, and told me she doesn't know. He left at 2am, she woke up and the car was home, but not him, nor the keys, or her wallet.

She told me that he has a drug problem - cocaine. And that, until now, he's been managing it for years and years, and was mostly using it recreationally. But she recently found out that he's been stealing her cash, took her credit cards and ran them up buying phone cards, trading them for drugs, is disappearing for days on end, and is starting to find drug paraphenalia around the house.

His parents are in denial and yell at her that it's her fault for being too hard on him. Her parents are in England and can't help, and don't really understand the depth of the problem.

I started crying with her. I can't imagine trying to raise three little girls, one of which has some serious developmental issues, while managing a husband who is lying, stealing and disappearing at all hours because of a drug addiction. She asked what I would do and I said I'd give him an ultimatum - rehab or divorce. But, I don't think she has the strength to do it.

What can I do for her, other than be there for her when she needs to cry? Part of the problem is they are conservative, borderline orthodox jews, and it's such a taboo in their community. She also said he has no medical insurance to pay for rehab. Are there services that provide these kind of things for less money? Can I point her anywhere?

Please, ladies, I need ideas....

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

I would have her call a local hospital and ask for clinic that can assist in herr area. Hosestly living thru this with someone VERY close to me, she should step back for a bit. Coke is crazy, they dont call it the big lie for no reason, I have first hand watch people destroy themselves. It happens and happens fast. You need to literally hit rock bottom before you MAY realize what you have done. I really hope you friend and her children will be ok, I think it is great you are doing what you are not "knowing" her that well. Im sure the hospital can give some info. Good Luck.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

My heart goes out to your neighbor. This was just like my XH. I finally did an intervention and told him before committing hinself to treatment that if he chose to continue to drink and use after he came out he had to leave. Well that was the hardest day of my life when I had to follow thru. I pray for your neighbor to have strength. Al-Anon is also a wonderful program for the family of those whose life is effected by someones addiction....cocain, alcohol doesn't matter..

ANd I have to add tell her "She didn't cause his problem and she can't cure it!"

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

I second calling the local hospital to see about drug rehab programs...do this for her because I don't know if she can do it on her own. Also give her the info on Al-anon and offer to go with her if your comfortable.

I would also offer to watch the girls while she figures things out...I am so sorry to hear she has to go through this

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

I would definetely tell her to go to al-anon meetings and they will probably be a great source of help for her and also be able to give her good advice. I would offer to watch her girls while she goes.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

She should go to an Alanon meeting. There are many people that can help her there.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

I like your advice to her about the ultimatum. It would be good if she did that.

DH is studying social work and substance abuse and has some experience with agencies in NY. The laws are different in each state.

He says cocaine use isn't usually a case that health insurance would pick up. In NY, if you go into a city hospital, they are required to treat you for alcohol dependency if the patient states it is an emergency (such as suicidal tendency). If the patient is poor, they bill the patient. The patient can then negotiate with the hospital to reduce the bill, even to a few hundred dollars -- something reasonable.

DH says, of course, this treatment is all voluntary by the patient. He could get financial help with treatment at a hospital for cocaine use when he indicates it is related to alcohol use and mental incapacity.

DH adds that treatment for cocaine use is more psychological/emotional than physical. The patient needs to get away from the situations, learn how to deal with frustration, etc. A patient might see a counselor who he can talk to. They have Cocaine Anonymous, and that's free. If they don't have C.A. in your area, he could come to NYC for that. And that would be really helpful, DH says that C.A. would be the best help.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

Call the local hospital or Narcotics Anoymous. It may be tough b/c you can't help someone that doesnt want to be helped. They have to realise this on their own. Unfortunately I have seen this situation with a few people I know (not coke). In one case, the person robbed a family member and they called the police of them. He was in jail for quite a bit and now he is out. He was good for a while, but then he went back to his old ways.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

Beth, you are a wonderful friend for listening to her AND sympathising.

My feeling is that no matter what you advise, she is not going to listen. She needs to decide on her own what she wants to do. I think, at this point, all you can do is listen. Help when she asks, and do whatever you are willing and able to do and that is the best you can do.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

Posted by pmpkn087

Beth, you are a wonderful friend for listening to her AND sympathising.

My feeling is that no matter what you advise, she is not going to listen. She needs to decide on her own what she wants to do. I think, at this point, all you can do is listen. Help when she asks, and do whatever you are willing and able to do and that is the best you can do.

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

Thank you everyone

We talked more later in the day, and I really tried not to give advice, but instead to just sympathize, and listen. I completely understand that they have been living this nightmare for almost 10 years, and my meager advice is not going to change 10 years of habit in one fell swoop.

I did recommend that she seek out township services, and/or seek help through her rabbi and the jewish federation, which provides free couples and substance abuse counseling. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I'm still spending time with her and her children, but I'm going to be very wary of too much interaction with her husband. Barb, you are right, if he's this caught up in the addiction, god knows what he will do. But, hopefully, he'll stop for a moment and realize I'm married to an Israeli, who fought in the special forces for 4 years, has no fear, and is about 6 inches taller than he is, before doing anything

Re: OMG, I'm so disturbed... need advice

Beth, you are an amazing person! At this point, I'm sure that means more to her than you trying to convince her of what she should and shouldn't do.