Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

confused .. Moms of 2 or more, I need help.

Ava turned 2 in july. My original plan was to ttc after she turned 3, so a new baby would be born when she is 4 years old.

It took a long time to even decide to have another. I had terrible morning sickness and now I continue to have Carpal Tunnel and ligament issues in my hands (all brought on by pregnancy). Not to mention Ava has been in non-stop motion since she was about 14 months old.

Just recently, taking care of her is getting slightly easier. I still need to work on the potty training and get her into a "big girl bed". I planned on having both of these things acomplished this year.

So what is the problem?

The cons:
1) After a bad day or a sleepless night, I think to myself- "No way can I do this again".
2) I am just starting to feel like my "old self" again.

The Pros:
1) A child is an absolute gift- I think that every day.
2) I want Ava to have a sibling

Other thoughts:
- I never gave away my maternity clothes.
-I have saved every piece of Ava's clothing since her birth-"In case" I would need them in the future.
- I try to keep her furniture,strollers and toys in good condition for the same reason

****So I guess this means that I really do want another child*********

I am afaid that if I don't try for this baby soon, then I will decide not to have another- and then I will live to regret it....

Soooo- should I do it now or wait a year? Please help- any advice is appreciated...

******Update***********

Thank you all for all of the input, I really do appreciate it. My husband is working right now and called from the road. I read him all of the messages from all of you. He said "Not one of them mention their husbands."


But, he does agree with everyone. I kind of just feel like if I don't do it now, I may never do it...So.... I will update you all again very soon!!!!

******UPDATE #2************

O.K. I am back again.
Here is my final concern.

All I ever wanted was to be a mother- ever since I was a little girl. So, I am thrilled to have Ava.. However.. here are my feelings in the best way I can describe them.

Remember when you were young and you had your first boyfriend? You were madly in love. No other boy could ever compare to this one. You had no interest in any other boy. You devoted all of your time and energy to him.

So basically- this is how I feel about Ava. In a way, I feel like I would be taking something away from Ava, if I can't focus soley on her...Sounds crazy I know...Did any of you feel like this? Help!!!

O.K. Here we go...Thank you all for your help and encouragement. I talked to DH, and we will try for baby #2 November 20-25th....(tmi)....

It would be nice to get a bfp before Christmas. If we do, I want to get Ava's pix taken with a "Big Sister: t-shirt on and give pix to family as a way of telling them...but I shouldn't get ahead of myself- we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all posted.

Message edited 11/5/2006 8:35:25 PM.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!!

love multiplies not divides! there is always room room for another child. Being a sister is the best thing in the world. you will get back to your old self again and you CAN go back to waking up in the middle of the night, you will cherisch every minute of it! Do it. JMO!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!!

Sounds to me like you've been planning another one (albeit "in the back of your mind") the whole time. My two are 3 years, 8 months apart (I had a m/c a few months before I got pregnant with my second), and I think it's great. My first didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 and a half, and was diagnosed with ADHD at 2, so he was NO picnic, believe me (and still isn't). However, it DOES get easier, and it is soooooooo nice to see him trying to act like an example (when I make a big deal out of it ) for his little sister. I think a mother's heart grows more love as she has more children. Do it if you're ready! It will be worth it!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!!

There is NEVER a "perfect time" to have a baby.

I too felt EXACTLY the way you do when we were thinking of TTC for #2. Nicholas was 2 1/2, we were starting to potty train, getting him into a "big boy" bed, trying to get him to become a little more independant.

9 months of pregnancy is a LONG time in which you can start to get most of your ducks in a row. During my pregnancy, I accomplished most of what I wanted to wuith Nicholas, so by the time Joey was born, I pretty much had Nicholas fully potty trained and he was comfy in his bed.

Just do it! Everything works itself out. Yes, having 2 children is a WORLD of difference from having only 1...but every "hard" phase passes, then... onto the next.

Good Luck!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!!

For me it was important to have a sibling for my son. I need him to be able to turn to someone & say "You know how crazy Mommy is..." and have them get it. Sure his friends can do that, but there's a fine line between a friend pointing out something & your sister. I wanted the comraderie of having them close in age.

If it were me, I wouldn't wait. I would not want to chance the possiblity of going through infertility issues. If you think you're overwhelmed now, consider the fact that fertility issues coupled with the drugs you would need to take could make you an emotional wreck.

I guess the easiest way to decide would be to ask yourself this:
If you were told you cannot have any more children, would you be relieved or disappointed?

eta. as for potty training & getting them in a big girl bed...I always think it's better to have a vague deadline. My kids have never conformed to my schedule.

Message edited 11/3/2006 9:57:28 AM.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!!

Just another perspective, I too didn't feel quite ready until my first was almost three. I flipped flopped back and forth from the time she was eighteen months until she was almost three. Ultimately, I began trying when she was almost three and had problems with early miscarriages. It never crossed my mind this would occur as my first pregnancy was instantaneous and normal in every way (can you say arrognant). Looking back now I can't imagine our family without my younger daughter.

Although my girls are five years, two months apart and I would not ideally have planned it this way, there have been positives and negatives. I think from a mother's perspective having children close can be difficult for a short period of time. However, as they get older they start to play together and occupy each other. They also begin to interact with each other's friends. This is something I wish my girls could have more of. On the other side of the equation, I can say that my younger daughter has gotten the same amount of "me" as my bigger one, as my bigger one was in school all day when she was born. I feel in some ways this has been harder on me because with my second I have some of the BTDT syndrome (let's just say there is only so much Gymboree one adult woman can take).

The last consideration, I believe has to be age. I turned 36 just before my little one was born. It was a harder pregnancy, with more complications and risks. However, I was so grateful that she was healthy and full term. No matter what we are told, preganncy is harder and more complicated after 35. If I had it to do again, and this is the advice I give friends, I would have started much earlier. If you believe you want another child, try. It will and does always work out and most of what we believe is a big deal really isn't.

Message edited 11/3/2006 11:20:31 AM.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***UPDATE***

Updated

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***UPDATE***

I know what you mean. I know I will eventually want a second child. It's just that I feel like I cannot be pregnant again any time soon. (When I hear of people who had babies around when Bella was born that are pregnant again, I just can't place myself there.)

I JUST got my body back, I am truly enjoying Bella and can't imagine not being able to shower ALL my attention on her. Being a FT working mom, the guilt alone of not spending enough time is enough for one child right now for me. Daycare is GINORMOUSLY expensive.

I have all these reasons and they won't change anytime soon, but I know in a year or two I'll be ready and hopefully be blessed with another child to light up my life as much as Isabella has...

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***UPDATE***

Gosh I totally hear where you are coming from. While I didn't have a tough pregnancy per se I feel like I had a miserable start with Miranda, I'm sure I had PPD, and overall just didn't feel happy for a long time.
I was also one of those women who didn't know if I ever even wanted kids but then I met DH and I got the itch. I love my daughter, I wouldn't trade it for anything but I am finally start to feel like I have a bit of a handle on being a mom and I am bouncing back to myself so the thought of starting over stresses me out big time.
Now here's the reason I know I will definitely have another even though it doesn't always seem like it will be the easiest thing to do. I'm an only child and now that I am an adult I HATE it. I'm sure my circumstances aren't everyone's but my parents are divorced, my mom has issues, my dad has issues and I'm the only one to deal with it. No one to share the burden and while having a sibling doesn't guarantee help with these things the odds are still better. Also it makes me sad that my daughter wont' have any cousins on my side of the family. Again no guarantee that a sibling will have children but the odds are better.
DH would like 3 or more kids but I just don't have it in me. I don't think I'm the perfect mom like so many other moms seem to be. Some days I think I might even be a better mom if I worked FT but I would have being away from DD so much.
Anyway this is a long ramble but I just want to let you know that I totally get where you are coming from. We plan to try when Miranda is 2. I hope to have big girl bed and potty training accomplished when we have our second. I also plan to send her to preschool a few days a week then as well because I don't know if I could do two kids every day, all day.
I do feel like eventaully it is going to be now or never. Once I get too comfortable I will have zero desire to start it all over again.

I hope you and DH get a to decision that works for both of you.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

O.K., 2nd and final update, please read and help me!!!!!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

Since you already have fabulous advice from the 1st issue I will answer your 2nd update.

I had the same fears when I got pregnant with Jeremy. I was scared that she would have to share my love and attention and that she would miss out. I must say that since he has been in our family for almost 2 years I have never seen so much love or felt so much love for 2 little people. Yes, my time is divided but we do a lot together and watching them play and interact is the best thing in the world! Tonight, for example, we were all laying in my bed (minus DH) and Jeremy leaned over and gave Emma a kiss. For no reason other than he loves his sister. They keep each other company, they are each others playmates. I am so blessed to have them. Even being pregnant with #3 I know Emma is going to want to be a little mommy, although Jeremy may have a little jealousy because he is mommas boy, there is just more love to go around.

Message edited 11/3/2006 10:45:54 PM.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

I think many moms of 1 wonder how you have enough room in your heart to love another child. I felt the same way.
You just do.

Just like the old first boyfriend, you learn that another can have the same qualities that you love, but with different facets to them.

For me, that love snuck up on me. I know understand that it is possible to love more than one person THAT MUCH.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

It is pefectly normal to feel the way you do. You will not take anything away from Ava. You will give her something so special. Once you hold your second baby you have all the love for both equally.


I will admit I felt ba a fist for Sammy but that didnt last long. I made sure he got so much attention that he was happy.

Message edited 11/3/2006 10:51:49 PM.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

I completely feel the way you do about having another and always worry I will take away from Miranda or I won't love it enough because she'll always be my favorite, etc, etc.
Everyone tells me that worry goes away the second you have the second baby but I can't help but still worry about it. I adore Miranda. She is the girl I always wanted and perfect in every way and I don't know what could top that. But everyone assures me you have enough love for as many children as you have and you love them all the same.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

I felt exactly that way as have many of my friends. However, once you have your second child you will not be able to imagine your family without them or before them. As corny as it sounds I truly believe that your heart just expands. In addition, you are not taking away from your first born, just giving her the gift of a sibling (another person to be with her in this world when you and your husband are not).

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

Here is a slightly different perspective. I have always known I wanted more than one and I am now struggling with the opposite decision as you, knowing I may not be able to and trying to accept that.

Things dont always turn out as you plan. All the signs are there that you want another, try for it and roll with the punches. The only thing holding you back is fear of the unknown.....

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

Posted by avamamma


So basically- this is how I feel about Ava. In a way, I feel like I would be taking something away from Ava, if I can't focus soley on her...Sounds crazy I know...Did any of you feel like this? Help!!!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***update #2***may sound weird!!!

I felt EXACTLY the same way. I actually would get myself worried over it. My son was 3 when we started trying. And we were blessed with twins. So, here we're now with 3 kids & my son gets his date nights with me. He adores his sisters & wants more. And he is old enough to understand that we love him just as much as his sisters. He does get his jealous moments but, they don't last long.

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

update #3

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

Whats the update?

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

Baby dust to you!!!! I hope you get everything you want for Christmas!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

WOW...now THAT is a decision...

GOOD LUCK and hope you get the Christmas present you want

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

I could have wrote that post myself. I don't want Hayley to be an only child but I was such a miserable pregnant woman, believe it or not, I didn't like being pregnant. But I have also saved all of her clothes, kept the swing and infant seat in great condition for the "next one". When she gives me a hard time sleeping thru the night I think to my self, what would I do if I had a newborn to take care of too?

Good luck!!!

Re: Help, I need advice/encouragement!!!! ***3rd and final update*****

Good Luck and enjoy trying