Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

So if you look at my past posts, most of you know in August my recovering from cocaine brother came to live with my family. He came to get clean....well he has been doing good, he found a job, hads met friends and all that. BUT....over last weekend he went away with a friend...a friend, that in the past has not gave me good vibes, but a friend of my brothers. Before he left I told him don't be doing anything that will get you into trouble, he says he won't. So he went...and he came home tired and hyper, getting on everyone's nerves. So Sunday night he drank, Wednesday night he drank, and tonight he wants to go out and drink. He has been bringing home wine at least once a week and drinkling the whole bottle, everytime we go out to eat (11am) he drinks. So he asks me to drive him "out", and I told him I think you have been drinking alot lately and he says you think so, and I am like "yeah". So now he is on the couch all like poor me I have no life and I am pathetic. Whatever, you are in my house and you are not getting drunk all the time. My question is....am I being harsh...should he stay home as much as he can to save money...he needs a car...you need money to buy a car...you go to the bar you spend them money for your car....hahemmmm. I have really bad PMS so I don't know if I am being a beeeeotch, or should I stand my ground and tell him the way it is. I just don't want him to get hooked up with a bad crowd, I don't really know these people, but I am not trusting just anybody after all the work he is putting into getting clean. I don't know, I feel a little better now that I have this all out, but you ladies understand where I am coming from and where I am headed with this one. Thanks.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Usually what happens when they are trying to let go of one addiction - they latch on to another. So that could be where the drinking comes in.
It is good to give them a kick in the arse and make them realize it. They will slump into the "poor me faze" Buut- just remind him that he came to you to straightin out and better things for himself.
You are doing the right thing by telling him. With your guidance he'll get there - it is a long road - there are set backs and diversions(the drinking). But he just needs to be reminded to stay focused on saving $$ and getting his life together.

to you!

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Posted by Jagster2000

Usually what happens when they are trying to let go of one addiction - they latch on to another. So that could be where the drinking comes in.
It is good to give them a kick in the arse and make them realize it. They will slump into the "poor me faze" Buut- just remind him that he came to you to straightin out and better things for himself.
You are doing the right thing by telling him. With your guidance he'll get there - it is a long road - there are set backs and diversions(the drinking). But he just needs to be reminded to stay focused on saving $$ and getting his life together.

to you!

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Thanks Ladies....I totally agree, I just needed someone to tell me I am not wrong.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Typically if you have a substance problem, you should not drink either. Anything that alters the state of mind, is a new fix for them. You are right for being angry...he should not be drinking b/c once that becomes a horriblehabit, the cocaine will not seem so bad again [in his eyes].

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

I don't think you're being mean at all. Your brother came to you for help and he's living under your roof- which gives you every right to lay down the ground rules and expect him to follow them. His drinking and the company he keeps is cause for concern, but you can't control who he spends time with- all you can do is point out why you don't trust so-and-so and explain why you think that person may not be the best influence. Then you have to trust him to make the right decision. If you can't tell from my advice, I've been down this road before. So if you want to talk more, feel free to FM me.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Thanks and I appreciate everything.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

My brother has had the same cocaine issue and every time he has tried to be clean for a while, he starts drinking first and then one thing leads to another and eventually it is back to the drugs. So no, I don't think you are being to harsh. Tough love is always the right way to go in my opinion.

Message edited 10/19/2006 3:59:21 PM.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

didn't mean to post twice!

Message edited 10/19/2006 3:59:32 PM.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Your house, your rules. You are doing what you believe is in his best interest. If he wants to stay clean, he should listen to you.

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You ladies are the best..he ended up not going out and we had a talk the next day about my reasons.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

You're not being harsh at all! You're being a caring sister and sometimes it takes a little force in your tone to get the message through to the person...

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Cocaine and alcohol are the two most mood altering drugs. Both the #1 drug of choice for people with untreated mood disorders.

And yes- he is just substituting one drug for another. He needs to go to a NA or AA meeting.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Not only are you NOT being mean, you are doing him a favor.

Your brother clearly has an addiction. Drinking and drugs are so related in their addictions, that it is rare that one can use one healthy and abuse the other. Usually one ends up abusing both (which it sounds like your brother is). Drinking that much during the week is not acceptable for an adult.

He wants you to drive so he can drink. Its not like he's going to the movies. You are doing him a huge favor but not being his enabler.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Is there a hobby that you can hook him up with to keep his mind off the booze and focused on something else. For example, getting involved in mixed martial arts would give him discipline, motivation, and something to look forward to. My husband and I take MMA classes and we see the transformation it has done for so many people.

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Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

My brother just moved to Colorado today. He got a job out there and told me about two weeks ago he was moving. I am sad, yet happy for him. Thank You ladies for all your wonderful advice and prayers through this time for my family.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

You are a wonderful sister to take him in & help him get clean. I hope everything works out for him in CO....sounds like a great new start!

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

Wishing him all the best - good luck to him.
You are an awesome sister - who helped him start his path to recovery - it is up to him to stay on it now.
Did he move there alone? Fresh starts are good ones- leaving old friends, influences & temptations behind.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....

You are only looking out for him. I agree with you. And it's a proven fact that while kicking one addiction, addicts tend to grab onto a different one. Keep on him! It could make the difference.

Re: Please Tell Me I Am Not Being Mean....