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Happy Mother's Day! :(
May 10 2009 9:51AM

As of 8:45pm last night, IUI #3 was a bust. I knew AF was coming. I think I'm taking it harder this month because I know that IVF is our next step.

On Friday night, my MIL left us a voicemail that said,

"R U pregnant? R U? R U? OMG, I am so excited....I keep waiting for you to call."

R U kidding me? What the hell was that? She knows what we're going through.

Yesterday I got 2 denial letters from my insurance. So now I have a $1000 bill. Of course I am going to fight it bc we're covered for the IUI's that we've done, but I only have so much strength in me.

I just called my mom for mother's day. I love her dearly but she really talks about kids and babies way too freaking much. She, too, knows what we're dealing with. U really think I need to hear u ramble on and on about how cute so-and-so's baby is? When she asked how I've been feeling lately, I started crying and hung up. On this Mother's Day, DH is working so I am sitting here by myself and feel so alone.

IVF scares me. It's not the process or the injections or the time commitment-----it scares me bc IVF is reallly the big many ways, the final step. What if it doesn't work? At least if IUI didn't work, there is a next step. With IVF, that's it....there is no next step if it doesn't work. Yeah, u can do it over and over, but we really couldn't afford to. Our insurance will only cover up to $10,000 for IVF. We're lucky bc so many people don't even have that. If I ever win the lottery, I think I would start a foundation to give funding to people whose insurance doesn't cover IF.

I am calling the dr tomorrow for an IVF consultation. Scary.

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Scared/ nervous/ excited/ overwhelmed/ tired/ jealous/ sad
Mar 3 2009 2:56PM

When u r dealing w/ IF, u really go through so many different emotions all at the same time. I finished my first round of Clomid (50mg) over the weekend. I went for blood and sono on Sunday and today. Will find out later this afternoon whether or not I have to go back tomorrow. The IUI will probably be done sometime this week.

Here's how I feel:
I am scared. I am scared that none of this will work. I am scared that people close to me will get prego and have a baby B4 I do.

I am nervous. I am nervous because I worry that the IUI (later this week) is going to make me sick and dizzy, like these procedures usually do. I hate medical procedures. :(

I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed because there is so much to know. On Sunday when I went for the sono, the nurse practioner kept reading these #'s to me. What the heck do they mean? She told me those are the size of the follicles. Each time I go, there is so much more to know.

I am tired. I am tired because I got up at 5:30am today so I could shower and get to the doctor by 6:20 so I could make the 7:19 train. I am tired because I know I'll have to do it again tomorrow and maybe Thursday too. It's tiring to worry about this all of the time.

I am jealous. I am jealous of people who go off BCP 1 month and are pregnant the next month. I am jealous of people who don't have to have a plan for BD'ing. I am jealous of people who don't have to be poked and prodded several times a week. I am jealous of people who don't have to worry about this.

I am sad. I am sad because the waiting room is always packed at the doctor and that shows how many people are dealing w/ IF. When I got to the dr this morning at 6:20am, 6 people were already in the waiting room.

I am excited. I am excited bc it's great to be able to move forward and start something new. This will be my first IUI and it's exciting to have some new hope.

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My journey.....
Feb 12 2009 2:03PM

I just spoke with LI-IVF to find out "the next step." All of my blood work has come back clear and the HSG didn't show that anything was blocked. More on that later.

At this point, I need to wait until day 1 of my cycle. Call the office. Go in on day 3. Get script for Clomid. Go back on day 10 or 12 to schedule insemination. In some ways, if I'm not PG this month, I'd rather that AF hurry up and come so I can move forward. (Hey, fingers are still crossed that I'll get a BFP...but I'm not banking on it.)

So how did we get here?

DH and I got married in September but had been secretly TTC for a few months before that. (DH will deny it, bc he doesn't want my parents to know, but it's the truth.) We were together for just over 3 years before we got married. I met him through a friend of a friend and had actually gotten to know him pretty well before a drunken hook-up at a luau one summer. Chat Icon We've been together ever since. I think that what attracted me to him the most was that he LOVES kids and definitely wants a family. He was so great with my friend's daughter.

Fast forward to this past October. I went to the dr to tell her we were TTC. She said to go back to her in December if we weren't PG by then. December 1st I went back. (Ummmm...can u ay impatient? Chat Icon) She sent DH for a SA. She called us on Christmas eve at 3pm to tell me that he had low motility. I asked what the next step was (mind you, I didn't know what motility meant----I didn't ask and she didn't offer). She said, "I'm done with u. Go to a specialist." I was in shock. I asked what type of specialist. She said an RE because. "we're talking insemination." I really was shocked and we ended the call. I had a panic attack sort of thing bc I knew I should have asked her more questions. I tried calling back and the office was closed for Christmas. Needless to say, Christmas at my parents' (with my brother's beautiful baby girl) was super tough. On 12/26, I made an appt at LI-IVF.

For the next two weeks until the appt, I Googled motility and everything I could read about going to an RE. I was a nervous wreck before the appt. Didn't sleep for even a second the night before. DH came with me. Dr. Kuokkanen was so unbelievably kind and patient and helpful. She talked with us for about 1/2 hour to tell us all of our options. Then she did an exam, I had blood work done and left there with a bunch of prescriptions for more blood work. BTW, prior to starting this journey, I was completely afraid of needles, blood and anything medical. I'm over it. U don't have a choice but to get over it when u r trying to get PG.

One of the blood tests showed that I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis. That news freaked me out (my parents too bc neither of them knew that they were carriers either). DH had to get tested to make sure he wasn't a carrier too---otherwise we could possibly pass the disease onto our kids. Thank god he wasn't. My HSG was last week. A lot of people on here said they were able to go back to work after the procedure. I give them credit. I was in horrible pain for 2 days. The exam made me so dizzy, I almost fainted during and after the procedure. My tubes are "open" though, so that's a good thing.

So that's how we got here. I really wish I could fast forward to next weekend so either I have AF, AF symptoms or can POAS! I'm glad I have short cycles---they're usually about 24 days. I don't think I could wait much longer!

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