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Tired
Apr 30 2010 12:27PM

Of thinking
planning
working
worrying
saving
organizing
preparing
fighting
struggling
of being responsible
the bearer of bad news...

I'm so damn tired.

I want to "rest and take it easy." But I can't. Because my husband wants to rest and take it easy. He wants to relax. Now. Before he's even begun to fight, he wants to relax. He has cancer and he thinks that he'll beat it by taking it "easy."

We can't both take it easy. There's life to be lived. Jobs to do. Bills to pay. A toddler to chase. A baby to prepare for. And a disease to fight.

And I'm the bad guy, because I won't let him indulge in his self-pity. Because I believe in pushing through. Working while you can so that you CAN rest later on when it's too hard.

I'm the bad guy because I'm there, and someone has to take the blame.

Even though it's not as if we have the luxury of being able to focus on one thing at a time. As if his medical bills are going to pay themselves. As if my own medical bills aren't looming overhead. As if I'm not about to take take my own 12 weeks of unpaid leave off. 12 weeks that I HAVE to take because I have no day care options before this baby is 3 months old. As if there's someone out there with a giant safety net who is going to save us if we don't save ourselves. I'm 35 years old and no one's ever saved my asss but me.

So fine, he can take it easy. And I'll go to work sick, like I have been for a week. And I'll take care of our daughter who has a vocabulary beyond that of any other 2 year old I know, but it doesn't have the word "relax" in it anywhere. And I'll answer all the phone calls and all the emails of friends and family asking "how is he?" "how are you?" and my favorite "please explain to me what the doctors said because I don't understand what he told me and I know you do." And I'll make everyone else feel better about this. And I'll take care of myself. Because I have no other choice. Because no one is going to do it for me.

And I'll be pregnant and smile and nod at those stupid, innane, annoying and irritating comments I get day in and day out: "any day!" "look how big you are!!" "are you SURE you're not going to have that baby early, look at the size of you?!"

And do I even get to dwell on this baby? Do I even get to BE pregnant? I don't have time for belly pics, or to record the details of this pregnancy beyond whatever I post here. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I only know that because other girls who are due the same day as me are 31 weeks pregnant. I'd forget otherwise. And this child, this baby, he's so gentle... he doesn't even kick hard like his sister did. It's as if he knows I can't handle another thing so he gives me no trouble at all.

I don't know. I don't know what I want, what I need. But I needed to get that out of my head.

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