Thursday and Friday.... I have nothing more to say. I'm trying to find a middle ground of being totally optimistic, yet realistic at the same time. How I will get through the next 2 weeks is an absolute mystery!
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Just thought I'd update that everything today went well! No negative impact to my uterus from the D&E (thankfully!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and my ovaries are ALL CLEAR! I got my next cycle's calendar today and start stims on Monday. Like I said... strange calmness so far. Maybe this forced birth control pill break did me some good! I really hope this is it!!!!!!!!!!!! p.s.- If this cycle works, I will be conceiving right around my due date. The timing is actually perfect because I really like the idea of that.
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Well, I go in tomorrow for both a hysteroscopy and a sono. Hysteroscopy- to see if the D&E had any lasting effects on my uterus which could be the cause of me not getting pregnant. Sono- to see if the cysts that were there 3 weeks ago are GONE! Assuming all is well, we'll be starting over again on Monday. I am so relieved that this wait is almost over and I hope it's the last hurdle before finally getting pregnant and STAYING pregnant for 9 months with a healthy baby! I don't know why.... but I feel an overwhelming calm feeling.. as though I know that this journey will take a happy twist soon. I just feel it. Of course if I don't get pregnant next cycle or even soon after, I will feel absolutely ridiculous for saying this- but I can't help it. For the first time, I'm not feeling overly anxious or negative.. I just feel like me being pregnant soon is the very obvious next step. Believe me, I've had these feelings before. I had this feeling before my first IUI cycle post-loss. I think if I did not have those premonitions, I would not have had the strength to come as far as I did. I would not have made it this far without thinking that the journey would soon have a chapter worth reading. I just hope I'm right this time!
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I can't believe I had to take this month off and stay on birth control pills! Seriously... Oh ..... and because I'm getting a hysteroscopy next week and there's like a .00000000001% chance I could get pregnant on my own, even WITH the pill, I have to use condoms too. Anyway, 10 more pills and hopefully I get the OK To start cycling again for another IUI cycle. Hopefully my last for the next 2-3 years. I have to admit though, this month off has been going by pretty quickly. I also decided to start acupuncture and yoga!! :) I'll be starting both this week. At least then I'll feel like I'm doing all I can. I'm not so sure the yoga has much to do with anything but since I plan on starting prenatal yoga while I'm pregnant, I figure this is a good place to begin. Also, if it's relaxing then all the better! I've never been into the whole "zen" thing ..... but I'm willing to give anything a try! If you tell me dying my hair purple would do the trick, I'd totally be game! :-P
Instead of starting immediately I'm on birth control and forced to take the month off. Seriously........ sometimes I think I just wasn't meant to have a baby :(
I said I would try to keep up with this, but I've been so bad at it! Anyway......... onto round 3 post-loss. This stinks, but at least I'm back in action almost immediately. After my 8ww a few months ago, the idea that I can start over right away is a blessing in itself!!!!! p.s.- I really hate that you can't add emoticons to these blogs.
7dpo .... some VERY mild cramping... though my "the girls" don't feel any different! I just don't know what to make of this cycle. I have just as many reasons to think I am in AND out! Just a few more days of this ..... I think I will be testing with an FRER at 11dpo (Sunday). It's amazing how powerful the mind is from convincing me that I am pregnant or not in a matter of seconds! I can't believe I am back here in the 2ww and being unsure of what lays ahead. But then I have to remember... even being pregnant, I will be unsure of what lays ahead. After all, I was supposed to be 29wks2d now.
I really did think that having been pregnant for several months, I would make it through this 2ww like a champ and "know" the signs. I must be some kind if idiot!! I'm 5dpo and I have NO CLUE! I truly hope this is it. I keep imagining testing and seeing that double line. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that just in case that doesn't happen this cycle, it will happen the next.... or the one after that. At least that's what I pray for. I haven't decided which day I will test. I figured I will see how I feel during the week. The last time I didn't plan on testing until 11dpo but tested on 10dpo because I just had a feeling- and I ended up being right! We shall see......... My patience is being massively tested right now. I am going out of my mind!
Dear Me, Remember when you were growing up and had those horrendous period problems- the unspoken secret you were too ashamed to tell your friends about? You knew that years down the road there would be a catch to those torturous cycles. This whole medicated cycles..... RE ... IUI thing...... Strangely, completely anticipated. Fast forward to a few months ago and nothing in the world could have prepared you for losing that sweet little boy. So here you are, in the midst of finding out if your first cycle back in the game has worked. Yet this time, it's different. You've experienced the dark side. Where most people will find comfort in a positive beta... or second beta... or heartbeat... or ultrascreen... you know better. You know that no appointment could EVER be taken for granted. I hope you can enjoy your next pregnancy without anticipating that the worst COULD come to haunt you again. I know you are plagued with the idea that maybe that's just what was meant to be.... that for some reason, a healthy baby is not in the cards. I wish you didn't feel that way. So here we sit at 1dpo of a new cycle and hoping for the best. Yet, for some reason you went from TOTALLY positive to feeling utter disappointment, even you know it's too soon to be feeling this way. There's still a chance for this cycle to work. You're NOT out yet!!! Keep you head up, because this WILL happen. Love forever, You.
I just thought I'd put a quick update since it was so sad seeing the sad news about my registry as the very last thing I wrote! Today's IUI went well and we'll be doing the next one tomorrow. I'm really trying to be optimistic, but I've been down this road before.... I'm not stupid. I know there is never a guarantee, so I am just hoping for the best!
I took the plunge and canceled it already. I didn't want to risk being on some mailing list that might send us stuff in the mail around his due date. The girl over the phone asked why I was canceling. It felt like a hard kick in the teeth.
I took a moment to think of how far we came. FINALLY we are in a stim cycle and hoping for back to back IUIs next week! We have come SO far since our loss and finally back to having some hope. For that, I am grateful.
I'm not expecting today's appt to be interesting, really. I will do the usual bloodwork and sono and then we'll discuss my protocol. I basically know what my protocol is going to be. We're jumping right to what worked last time. I know this isn't nearly the amount that some people have to take, but I counted and including my prenatals, it's 10 things!! It baffles my mind that there are people out there who can do this for free. No drs, needles, drugs, etc. That just seems like a completely different world to me that I just cannot comprehend. Anyway, I don't know why, but I'm less excited as a I was a few days ago.... I think it's because there's just so much excitement you can have before you're just emotionally drained from it all. It's exhausting to have myself pumped up on this belief that I'm going to get pregnant in a few weeks. What if I don't? What if we have to go through AGAIN what we went through last time... more failed cycles and disappointment. At least in the end when we get a BFP it was all worth it, but I just don't have that kind of stamina right now. We did our time....we had our miracle. I'm just getting frustrated. Anyway, I know once this gets started and we get closer to the IUIs I'll be excited again. If I am told to start injections tonight I will be doing it on my OWN for the first time! My DH gave me a crash course in how to do it last night since he will be away for work until tomorrow. I told him when he comes back I will be slightly more fertile than I was today :) Well, time to get going......
I imagined what it would feel like to have the fedex man arrive at my door with a box full of drugs all meant for starting over. Would I be sad? .. Nah ... I'm actually really excited now! I am officially starting over and know that somewhere wrapped up in these injections and orange pill containers is my BFP (oh, plus back to back IUIs and a tedious 2ww) Hopefully it won't take long......
So, a brief synopsis of everything that went on ... Due to PCOS, we started with fertility treatments last winter to get pregnant. I got pregnant on my third medicated IUI. I made it to 4 1/2 months pregnant with NO complications until the moment we found out our hopes and dreams for our son were coming to a tragic end. I was losing him. I had a D&E and was told to wait 8wks for my body to recover until I could start trying again. It was a horrible couple of months digesting all that had happened and truly the hardest thing I had ever been through. It was especially hard to want a baby SO badly and get back what we lost, yet be told to wait to even try. Well, the 8wks finally arrived and I went back to my RE last week! I started a round of provera and now waiting to get my period. I ordered all my medications ahead of time so I would have them for my CD3 appt. (for those unfamiliar with infertility, protocols start CD2-5) That appointment should be here in the next few days... I'm thinking 10/18, but we'll see. I learned with TTC and pregnancy, you really can't predict anything. And so we wait.... wait to get AF .. wait to go for monitoring ..... wait for my IUIs (I do back to back) ....... and then the dreaded 2ww we all have grown to "love" I waited 8 long weeks to get back to this point. Just when I thought my waiting had come to an end, I'm caught by the reality that this is only the beginning. And so, the waiting begins...........
