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MK2010x2
LIF Infant
Member since 8/17 142 total posts
Name:
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Re: My fellow working moms
Posted by FirstMate
Posted by queensgal
Posted by PitterPatter11
Posted by CookiePuss
I am kind of a weird place. My DH has been working from home since March 2020 while I was required to still go to the office 100% of the time.
Previously, I had worked a little less...one half day during the normal work week and I carried a lot, if not most, of the "typical" household duties. I shopped, I managed everyone's schedule and made sure they got where they needed to go and medical needs were met, I cleaned, I cooked, etc. Now my husband is home and I am still doing it all.
It's been an ongoing fight. He tells me to just ask but I can't be all of it including the task master. The kids have chores but I still have to enforce them. They call me to find out what to eat.
It's not fair and I am losing all of me.
But, there is light as we are slowly moving towards his shouldering more of the burden.
We are living the same life. I have been back at in-person work since September and my DH is still working from home.
My DH tells me I need to ask him to help. How about you see the dishwasher is full and you turn the thing on?!?!?! No one needs to tell me when I put in the last plate in that it is full. I use my eyes and realize, hey, it's full, I should turn it on.
My DH will do anything I ask him to do, but here's the thing, I do not want to have to ask. I want him to use his eyes like I do and then complete tasks without being asked. I am not asking for him to realize when the bathroom needs cleaning or the floors need vacuuming - just basic things that you can literally see.
Don't even get me started on cooking. I plan out and cook all meals (lunch and dinner EVERY SINGLE DAY). We very rarely get take-out. At least once a month on a Friday, I ask him what he wants for dinner and he says, "I don't know." I go insane. Pick something. He has now learned that on Fridays if I ask that he better come up with a meal and either make it or get takeout.
I totally relate to this. And it’s maddening. They want us to be the CEO and bear the entire mental load so they do simple tasks while feeling like a hero.
I’ve started holding my husband accountable for meal planning. All I ask is a 5 min convo on weekend to make a shopping list. His look of disgust when I first started making him do it. “I don’t want to think about it now”. Ummmm neither do I but as a woman, for some reason I don’t get that luxury.
He is hands on with childcare but I do all financial decisions/planning, house repair and maintenance etc. it’s a lot. He helps with cleaning but he’s not very detail oriented - he’ll load the dishwasher but not wipe down counters or stove, etc.
No one else mentioned laundry. He gets mad when I ask him to carry the heavy basket up.....but I carried it down, washed it and will put it away.
Somehow the women’s liberation movement got this all wrong. Men took advantage of our desire for freedom of choice to just get away with being man-boys. Makes me sad, I promise to raise my son differently.
MEAL PLANNING  The bane of my existence!!!! Actually all of it...planning, shopping, putting groceries away and then freaking cooking it all!
DH said to me this past weekend "Don't you get sick of looking for recipes and making lists?" Umm...how do you think all your meals get here, pal? Do you think the chicken and vegetables just magically show up in the fridge and the recipe comes to me like an effing epiphany in the middle of the night and I throw it all together?????
LOL - I feel your pain!
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Posted 2/4/21 9:11 PM  |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: My fellow working moms
Posted by MK2010x2
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by CookiePuss
Posted by LuckyStar
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by LuckyStar
My DH and I split household duties as close to 50/50 as possible. But the fact of the matter, and it's mentioned in the NYT piece, is that the father who leaves a zoom meeting early to pick up his kid is lauded as a "good dad" but the mom who leaves early is irresponsible and not on her A game.
That, IMO, is a much harder inequality to address than the burden of cooking and cleaning falling to the mom in any given household. It's a societal issue first.
I guess it depends though on your employer. I work for a very large Tech company and never once in my 10 years of employment here - from the day I started 7 months pregnant- to now- has anyone made me feel irresponsible for having to leave a Webex call early, have to come in late because my daughter had a dr appt, or had to leave early to go see her in a school production etc.
They really do pride themselves here on empowering women, having a good work/life balance, making sure employees feel that it's ok to have to go do something for your family as long as you are a responsible employee and don't' abuse it.
In fact, my boss spoke to me yesterday and asked if I would be interested in a new initiative they have to train and promote women to move into director roles because they feel their is a disparity in how many males are directors in the company vs. female directors.
So I have to say I'm pretty lucky. And I am hearing from more and more of my friends who work in the industry that their companies (the larger ones) are moving towards this as well.
It may be the exception to the rule now, but hopefully things are finally starting to change in that sense.
Because you are right. It's straight up, antiquated BS that people still think that way in 2021
That is awesome and you are very lucky!
You are extremely lucky and should be the norm...not the exception.
i work in a very small office and some of the things that have been said to..would blow your mind. As a woman, I am held to a much higher standard. My male counterpark and I can make the same mistake...I get ripped a new a$$hole while it's "no big" deal.
I tihnk it also comes down to small companies vs big. I have worked for small companies and in general they were always more toxic.
Large companies, especially publically traded ones, with a legal and big HR dept generally are more progressive and fair- or at least they try to be.
I also find that my company has females in high level positions- executives and C level. The CFO is a woman and it's rumored she may be the next CEO when the current one retires. The VP of HR is a female. I feel like that makes a difference.
Your posts are very interesting and a lot to consider. I think you are on to something with the large/small companies.
One other thought I had - in your first post you mention that you have a sort of role reversal with your husband and that he handles a lot (you travel, he works from home, etc.) I wonder if that makes a difference in the way you are perceived at work.
I personally work for a big company and totally agree with you that with HR and policies, it is a more understanding environment. I have also turned down promotions because I feel I have to make a choice between a better job and my kids. I know if I take that step up I will be working longer hours, there will be higher expectations and either my job or my kids will have to take a hit.
My husband thinks he is fairly helpful - will do housework and try to help with childcare. Overall though, he is not responsible, he is "helping". He does VERY little of the mental load, almost no cooking and also has the "you have to tell me what to do and I'll do it" that some of the others mentioned.
He is just never the one who is ultimately responsible.
My daughter asked my husband to be the mystery reader in her class. I thought this was fantastic (and surprising). It was so disappointing to find out that of the 20+ kids in the class, he was the only dad on the sign up list.
I really appreciate this thread and hearing the experiences of others.
It's possible that our kind of role reversal helps with my career, but at the same time, when my DD was born he was still working, and we worked opposite schedules- he worked midnights an hour and a half away. So I went back to work with a 9 week old in daycare and I was up half the night with her on nights he had to work. He didn't retire until she was 18 months old.
I do credit a great company and a great boss for allowing all this to happen as I describe.
Also, I am very fortunate that my DH is very hands on. He does things on his own, I don't ever have to say- do this or do that or make a list or anything. Like I said, if anything ,I'm the lazy one who needs some direction with household chores. 
So I'm lucky in that respect as well.
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| Posted 2/4/21 9:51 PM |
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KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination
Member since 5/05 4431 total posts
Name:
Karen
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My fellow working moms
I'm not a Working Mom but I just wanted to give you all props. I am barely keeping my sanity with all this Covid crap and I am home. Adding an outside job on top of that, I can't imagine.
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| Posted 2/4/21 10:24 PM |
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Mrs213
????????
Member since 2/09 18986 total posts
Name:
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My fellow working moms
Luckily my job has been very supportive and flexible for working parents during this. But I do see the disparity in expectations for men vs women
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| Posted 2/5/21 12:24 PM |
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