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Serendipity
Summer!
Member since 4/07 7631 total posts
Name:
PrayingWishingHopingALOT
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
I should not have posted about ttc- it is a touchy subject and I will not be trying for some time anyway, as I need to wait at least 3-4 months, and then need to do testing and whatnot. May not even get pregnant until the following year, and cannot plan for that, as I have had two losses so far already. My dh is older and would like to start a family- his parents are much older than mine and have no grandchildren and i know he would like for them to be able to experience that- I would of course prefer to wait until I am tenured, but I am not the only decision maker here. Many options have been weighed, and we decided that we would like to continue ttc, as it clearly has not been a "quick process" for us.
For the wedding, we discussed with DH's parents today and they were very good about it, better than I thought. They know how long it took for me to get the job, and they were happy with the plan we set up. I will have a dress in my car, and will go straight to the reception from work at 230. I will get there 1-2 hours before cocktail hour begins, get changed, and will take a bunch of photos with everyone. However, it sounds as though the bride and groom have gotten alot of backlash about the ceremony time at the church being so early (1pm), and may have been convinced to just have the ceremony at the reception hall. If that is the case, I can still work and be a bridesmaid!
My advice- YOU do what's good for you!
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Posted 8/1/15 9:19 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
melbalalala
Little Lady
Member since 5/07 5014 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
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| Posted 8/1/15 10:35 PM |
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BsMomma2014
Fly high little one
Member since 6/10 2662 total posts
Name:
nicole
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree with this for the most part for a normal wedding like a friends or distant relative yes the above stands true but for an immediate family member I think all convienencies go out the window. For immediate family like a brother and SIL you do your damnest to make that wedding.
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| Posted 8/2/15 2:49 AM |
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Blubtrflygrl
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/15 609 total posts
Name:
allison
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
Ha, great point! For a hot second we threw around idea of a destination wedding and this is the exact response we were greeted with by family.
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| Posted 8/2/15 8:50 AM |
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evrythng4areason
And then there were 4
Member since 1/10 5224 total posts
Name:
Kayla
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
It seems like you made your decision even before posting. However, I would be prepared for your sister in law and brother to be upset with you. This is also likely something they will never forget.
My bil and sil got engaged while I was preggo, and got married the month after dd was born. the brides sister insisted on planning her bridal shower, thrown at her house, 2 days before my due date. I begged her to switch it a week or two in either direction, and she refused. Lo and behold, dd was born the day of the shower. I was in labor getting ready for the shower before I finally conceded to not going. I still get annoyed at her sister for planning it for such an awful day where I couldn't be there.
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:39 AM |
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marianne13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 6/10 887 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm not a teacher but I know of teachers and I actually have heard of one situation where a principal refused to give an annual day b/c someone needed the day to be a bridesmaid.
Maybe I'd consider: How close are you to your SIL? Do you think she really wants you to be a BM b/c you are friends, or do you think she asked you b/c she felt bad, or felt it was tradition, etc?
If you feel bad asking for the day off, can you just call in sick that day??
If you are nervous about work, then I'd tell your SIL asap. You can tell her you'd love to help out with wedding planning but the timing doesn't work out with work. She may get upset but should get over it especially since she just booked the date (not like you are telling her this a few months before the wedding).
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| Posted 8/2/15 10:19 AM |
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marianne13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 6/10 887 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MrsVan2010
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree with this for the most part for a normal wedding like a friends or distant relative yes the above stands true but for an immediate family member I think all convienencies go out the window. For immediate family like a brother and SIL you do your damnest to make that wedding.
It's not her brother and sister in law. It's her sister in law and future brother in law.
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| Posted 8/2/15 10:20 AM |
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RainyDay
LIF Adult
Member since 6/15 3986 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by marianne13
It's not her brother and sister in law. It's her sister in law and future brother in law.
Doesn't matter she still should be there for her DH immediate family. I would never think about missing the wedding of my DH sister because of work regardless of what day of the week the wedding is.
Family comes first. With that being said, it seems like by talking to the inlaws worked out and they understand. Hopefully it works out with the timing so you can participate in the wedding as originally planned.
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| Posted 8/2/15 11:02 AM |
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ElizaRags35
My 2 Girls
Member since 2/09 20494 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree.
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| Posted 8/2/15 12:02 PM |
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babylove26
LIF Adult
Member since 8/10 987 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by evrythng4areason
I'm a teacher, and I would take that day. I'm assuming you're allowed access to your file, and could explain why you took a day. I'm also assuming over the past two years you've taken very few, if any days..I think my first three years I took a total of 3 days off?
While I understand the pressure, if you're a good teacher and you've done your job yore not going to lose tenure over 1 day.
As for Ttc, if you're worried about one day for a wedding wouldn't you wait until you're tenured to ttc?
I agree. It's one day. I would be more concerned taking a maternity leave my tenure year.
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| Posted 8/2/15 1:43 PM |
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Maybe-Baybe
My Sunshine
Member since 7/12 3415 total posts
Name:
My only Sunshine
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Glad you figured out a solution for the time being. Hopefully they push the ceremony back so you can attend that as well.
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| Posted 8/2/15 2:46 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by ElizaRags35
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree.
I'm sorry this is kinda a bs response. How many people actually attend the church? That would be at 1
And a ceremony at the hall would be right before ch and *most* people are out of work by then
And also how many wedding a to people go to a year. If I have to take off (not talking about you op) one day or leave Friday for a good friends wedding then so be it
Or them simply respond no
The bride and groom
Should make the time that works best for them and if it's a Friday at 1 pm then so be it. That makes them selfish??? That's a harsh statement.
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| Posted 8/2/15 3:59 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by gina409
Posted by ElizaRags35
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree.
I'm sorry this is kinda a bs response. How many people actually attend the church? That would be at 1
And a ceremony at the hall would be right before ch and *most* people are out of work by then
And also how many wedding a to people go to a year. If I have to take off (not talking about you op) one day or leave Friday for a good friends wedding then so be it
Or them simply respond no
The bride and groom
Should make the time that works best for them and if it's a Friday at 1 pm then so be it. That makes them selfish??? That's a harsh statement.
yes I totally agree with you on that- While it is very inconvenient timing, I am only one person and would NEVER ever say anything to her in regard to how it's bad timing for me lol- It's her wedding and she can book for whatever day/time she pleases.
With that said, I do understand what melbalalala is saying in regards to the fact that the bride and groom should expect to have a lower turnout at the church compared to a Sat or Sun. I do not think they are being selfish, though. It is a day that they want to be married on and that is fine. I just hope that she understands that some guests, including myself, may not be able to attend the ceremony. So while they are not being selfish at all, they do need to be a little "realistic" about the # of church atendees.
In general though, I don't usually see many at the church anyway! But that could just be my family/friends lol
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| Posted 8/2/15 4:06 PM |
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Mom0710
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/14 682 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Maybe they have a large guest list and are hoping for no's and that is why they are having it at 1pm on a Friday. Or it was cheaper, or the only day they could get. Regardless I wouldn't ask the bride or groom to change the date or time. You are giving your principal plenty of notice, I would just take the day
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| Posted 8/2/15 4:52 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Mom0710
Maybe they have a large guest list and are hoping for no's and that is why they are having it at 1pm on a Friday. Or it was cheaper, or the only day they could get. Regardless I wouldn't ask the bride or groom to change the date or time. You are giving your principal plenty of notice, I would just take the day
surprisingly they dont. They booked a place with a 200 person minimum and signed a contract agreeing to that number. They are only inviting 220 as of now... Want to tell her that there is a strong chance she will have less, but I'm not going to get involved. She will figure it out :)
And no i would never ask that of them. I will work the day because i think it is the right thing to do career-wise, and will be there for her in other ways. Will be at the reception over 1.5 hours early for pics and all :)
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| Posted 8/2/15 5:12 PM |
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StarsStripes
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 1192 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I would still have a conversation with your principal as you may be surprised. I doubt any principal would like to be the reason you missed a very close family members wedding...if word gets out that you didn't go because you are afraid of your boss...that doesn't look too good either...just saying.
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| Posted 8/2/15 5:57 PM |
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hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true
Member since 2/10 2695 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by gina409
Posted by ElizaRags35
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree.
I'm sorry this is kinda a bs response. How many people actually attend the church? That would be at 1
And a ceremony at the hall would be right before ch and *most* people are out of work by then
And also how many wedding a to people go to a year. If I have to take off (not talking about you op) one day or leave Friday for a good friends wedding then so be it
Or them simply respond no
The bride and groom
Should make the time that works best for them and if it's a Friday at 1 pm then so be it. That makes them selfish??? That's a harsh statement.
Thank you! I was selfish for having my ceremony at 1:30 on a Friday but my guests expecting me to have MY wedding (you know, only one of the most important days of MY life) at a time that accommodates their schedules is totally acceptable? Nope. And FWIW my maid of honor was a teacher. That being said, only you know how you requesting the day will be received by your boss. Luckily it seems like you guys make come to an agreement where you won't even need to ask which would be great.
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| Posted 8/2/15 7:52 PM |
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melbalalala
Little Lady
Member since 5/07 5014 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Thank you! I was selfish for having my ceremony at 1:30 on a Friday but my guests expecting me to have MY wedding (you know, only one of the most important days of MY life) at a time that accommodates their schedules is totally acceptable? Nope.
Actually, that's the textbook definition of selfish... seriously... that's not to say you're a bad person, but you're saying "this is what was best for me and others must conform". That is selfish.. again, dictionary definition.
I think what you pro-1:00 Friday people are saying isn't disagreeing with me... if people are unable to make it, you understand, you picked a quirky time to have a wedding knowing not all will be able to come... risk taken... not everyone will be able to make it... you're thankful for those that can jump through the applicable hoops to attend....
I think we're all on the same page more than you think.
Even though I'm 8 years out of the wedding arena I would feel AWFUL if someone I invited to my wedding was so stressed about not being able to attend that they had to send out thoughts to a message board for advice.
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| Posted 8/2/15 8:31 PM |
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BsMomma2014
Fly high little one
Member since 6/10 2662 total posts
Name:
nicole
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by marianne13
Posted by MrsVan2010
Posted by melbalalala
I think when you plan a wedding and make it at a ridiculous time.. (1pm on a Friday in this case) you run the risk that many, many people can't make it no matter how much notice you give.
I'm sure I'll be unpopular in saying this but when you plan a wedding that makes people have to take off work (and in extreme cases, like yours, agonize over what to do about taking a day off) you are being selfish
(defined as doing what's best for you) and should assume that not everyone is going to jump through hoops to go to your wedding.
I know it's cheaper to do weddings that aren't on Saturday nights and that's why many brides do it, but at the same time, there's a reason they're cheaper... it's inconvenient for the guests. If, as a bride, you aren't making it as convenient as possible for your guests, you HAVE to understand not everyone can make it.
I say you attend the parts you can and do the best you can.... just like when people on her say "give what you can" regarding monetary gifts. Do your best and that's that. Just like family is supposed to understand that having a Friday afternoon is what the bride wants, the bride needs to understand that a Friday afternoon isn't conducive to most people's life schedules.
I agree with this for the most part for a normal wedding like a friends or distant relative yes the above stands true but for an immediate family member I think all convienencies go out the window. For immediate family like a brother and SIL you do your damnest to make that wedding.
It's not her brother and sister in law. It's her sister in law and future brother in law.
My mistake but it is still immediate family
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:04 PM |
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hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true
Member since 2/10 2695 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by melbalalala
Thank you! I was selfish for having my ceremony at 1:30 on a Friday but my guests expecting me to have MY wedding (you know, only one of the most important days of MY life) at a time that accommodates their schedules is totally acceptable? Nope.
Actually, that's the textbook definition of selfish... seriously... that's not to say you're a bad person, but you're saying "this is what was best for me and others must conform". That is selfish.. again, dictionary definition.
I think what you pro-1:00 Friday people are saying isn't disagreeing with me... if people are unable to make it, you understand, you picked a quirky time to have a wedding knowing not all will be able to come... risk taken... not everyone will be able to make it... you're thankful for those that can jump through the applicable hoops to attend....
I think we're all on the same page more than you think.
Even though I'm 8 years out of the wedding arena I would feel AWFUL if someone I invited to my wedding was so stressed about not being able to attend that they had to send out thoughts to a message board for advice.
Did I say "others must conform" Anywhere in my post? No, I did not so thanks for calling me selfish anyway. 
We can agree that I wouldn't have held it against someone who couldn't come to my Friday afternoon ceremony because I DID understand. But when I am planning the biggest day of MY life and using MY life freaking savings to pay for it, I am picking the day that works best for ME and my husband first and foremost. Last time I checked, our attendance was mandatory. If people don't like it, they didn't have to come period.
Message edited 8/2/2015 10:12:00 PM.
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:18 PM |
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donegal419
St. Gerard, pray for us.
Member since 7/07 7650 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm a teacher and would take the day. Are you not given personal days for something like this? Life happens and it's a one time thing. It's not like you're taking off on a regular basis. Plus, it's early e tough in the year where you can just leave review material for the substitute.
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:28 PM |
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Seawolf
LIF Adult
Member since 3/14 1336 total posts
Name:
Scrumba
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
If you end up not taking the day, but then later in the year take 12 weeks, won't that cause hard feelings? "Oh she couldn't take ONE day for my wedding bc she fears denial of tenure but it's ok to take 3 months?"
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:43 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Seawolf
If you end up not taking the day, but then later in the year take 12 weeks, won't that cause hard feelings? "Oh she couldn't take ONE day for my wedding bc she fears denial of tenure but it's ok to take 3 months?"
ttc hasn't been easy, so I will cross that bridge when I get there. I've had two losses so far, but only my parents and my MIL know about them. When I finally have a happy and healthy pregnancy, I will open to the rest of the fam about the prior losses. I am sure she will understand when she knows the full story
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:54 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22132 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry, I just can't imagine the sh1t list I'd be inn with my in laws if I chose work over their daughters wedding.
I get that you are thinking about your future in your school and take your career seriously as you should. But this is your sister in law. Your husband's sister. Would you do the same to your own sister? It's reasonable to miss the ceremony if it's a cousin, friend, etc, but this...I don't know. This could cause some bad blood.
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| Posted 8/2/15 9:59 PM |
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quasi3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/07 1764 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MissJones
I'm sorry, I just can't imagine the sh1t list I'd be inn with my in laws if I chose work over their daughters wedding.
I get that you are thinking about your future in your school and take your career seriously as you should. But this is your sister in law. Your husband's sister. Would you do the same to your own sister? It's reasonable to miss the ceremony if it's a cousin, friend, etc, but this...I don't know. This could cause some bad blood.
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| Posted 8/2/15 10:12 PM |
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