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nrthshgrl
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Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Over the weekend, I had a debate with friends. The topic of marriage came up. It is their belief that the only reason for someone to get married was to have children - to give them a traditional family.
I disagreed. I said that, for me, marriage is a different level of commitment than living with someone.
They countered that you can have that same commitment without marriage.
We finally agreed to disagree.
You can spend a lifetime with someone you love without getting married. You can also have children without getting married, but it won't be "traditional" as they put it.
What were your reasons for getting married?
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Posted 9/2/08 3:36 PM  |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
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And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
the tax deduction 
J/K
to me marriage is two people becoming one entity
that's why we got married
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:38 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Over the weekend, I had a debate with friends. The topic of marriage came up. It is their belief that the only reason for someone to get married was to have children - to give them a traditional family.
I disagreed. I said that, for me, marriage is a different level of commitment than living with someone.
They countered that you can have that same commitment without marriage.
We finally agreed to disagree.
You can spend a lifetime with someone you love without getting married. You can also have children without getting married, but it won't be "traditional" as they put it.
What were your reasons for getting married?
I agree with you and not your friends. First-once we got married we were definitely more committed to each other-not that we weren't before but we felt more "official" for lack of a better word. I think for me, once I took my vows in front of family and friends that we both try to live that every day. My husband has been there for me through thick and thin and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now that we have children on the way our bond has only gotten deeper.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:39 PM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
According to my mother, if DH and I decide not to have children - we should have never gotten married AND if we never got married she would not approve of us living together. We have had this discussion many times actually and I know a few people of her generation that agree with it.
The first time I heard her say this I almost cried because I feel that she must not love my father because I think marriage has brought our relationship to a whole new COMPLETE level. By complete I mean, that he is my family now and even if we never have children - we will remain complete. Marriage was not just a step on the way to children which is why I resent being asked when we are having children like it is the next logical step and I hope my children will come into the world with love not just a feeling of "this is what comes next."
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:40 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I got married so we wouldn't have to pay two rents, so God wouldn't send me to hell for living out of wedlock with a man, and so that I could look at my husband and say "your *** is MINE"
I agree with you Barb. Marriage is an entity unto itself. It's not a means to any end...and considering how "common' divorce is now...the tradition is leaning towards "get married so kids aren't bastards, get divorced b/c I find out the husband is" 
I married my husband b/c I wanted our bond on record, more so than a lease agreement or the title on a house.
I wanted it by law and by God.
whether a child comes from this marriage only time will tell...but it's not the reason at all...not by a long shot.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:41 PM |
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IrishLasss334
I'll be there soon!
Member since 1/08 6549 total posts
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Patty
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
No, it is not the only reason to get married. Then why would older people past child bearing years get married? Or people who don't want children or can't physically have children?
I got married, not once, but twice to the same man, DH. ONce at the hall where the reception was..7 years ago..and last summer in church.
I can't explain in words why it call meant so much to me, but it did.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:41 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
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Beth
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by nrthshgrl
What were your reasons for getting married?
Honestly? I agree with your friends. I think the wedding certificate is just that, a piece of paper that gets too overemphasized by people. At the end of the day, I know my husband and I would have the same bond, the same level of commitment, etc, even if we weren't married. And to be totally honest, I've always paused at the idea of getting married - to me it just seems like a silly label that is just so unnecessary to the bond between two people.
With that said, we got married because DH needed a green card. That is why we got married at city hall months before we had any reception. And it really had nothing to do with having children.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:44 PM |
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rojerono
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Jeannie
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I owned a house and had 2 children with my lover BEFORE we got married.
We didn't decide to commit because of the house or the kids. We actually decided to get married because I lost a bet...
BUT now that we are married it IS different. I don't know why it is - but it feels somehow MORE to have stood before those we love and those we admire and to have vowed that we want to be a family. It is different now that we have committed on paper to be bound by law AND love.
But I think it is only awe inducing to me because I feel differently about marriage than I do about living together. It's a deeper tangle, another layer. It used to be a 'why bother?' - which became a 'why not' and is now a "Wow - we are MARRIED".
But for someone who doesn't take marriage seriously - someone who thinks it is just something to do for presents and a fancy dress - someone who goes in with the knowledge that they can get out.. I don't think it would carry the same gravitas as it does for me.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:44 PM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Message edited 3/5/2012 10:37:51 AM.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:45 PM |
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eroxgirl
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Rebecca
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I have friends who believe this but I think it's ridiculous. I got married so that DH and I could be a family.
And because I liked his last name better than mine. 
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:45 PM |
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-Laurie-
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
For us it was to form a strong commitment and partnership between us and the church, live together and one day have a family....
Were both Irish Roman Catholic for us getting Married was a Sacrament
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:46 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by eroxgirl
I have friends who believe this but I think it's ridiculous. I got married so that DH and I could be a family.
I have to say, after YEARS of flying all over the world together and standing on separate lines or behind each other at customs/immigration and filling out two customs cards on the planes b/c we weren't married...
there was something so wonderful...so "home" so special and beautiful about standing next to him upon our arrival in another country and asking for admittance as the "blankity blank family"
I've been with my husband for 14 years...we were bonded and all that good stuff...but marrying him made me his family not just in our eyes...but in the eyes of the public....not for anyone to naysay or question.
it's just...different. and lovely if you treat it with the respect it deserves.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:50 PM |
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WhatNow
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A (formerly WhatNow?)
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by nrthshgrl
marriage is a different level of commitment than living with someone.
I agree with that statement!
That is not to say that one can't get a divorce from their legal spouse 3 months after marriage or spend their whole life being totally devoted to a common low partner, but there is something about "making it official" that goes far beyond just being a piece of paper.
To me committing to marriage means legally becoming one with someone, standing in front of the world and announcing your bond to the other person. It is different than just signing a lease together... It is a completely different level of commitment.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:51 PM |
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anonttcer
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Meaning a NON ttcer!
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I can't believe you posted this because I had an arguement with my husband over this very same topic this weekend.
He agreed with your friends- that the only reason to get married is to have kids- otherwise you can just live together.
Wrong in my book on SO many levels....
But I'm glad to see I'm not the only one dealing with that kind of thought process....
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:53 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
To me, marriage and taking my DH's name was different than living together.
First off, we joined each other's families. He is now related to my mom, my sister, etc... and I am related to him, his sisters and his parents.
We also are our own family- even before we had DD. We were the "M****s"- our own branch of the family separate from his and mine.
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:54 PM |
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hazeleyes33
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Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
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Ginger
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
So what happens then after the kids grow up and leave, do you get divorced but stay together???
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:56 PM |
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NinaLemon
It's a boy!!!
Member since 10/07 6453 total posts
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Jeannine
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
My husband and I owned a house together before we got married, we were committed to each other without question. However, for us, there is something very different about being married, I really don't know how to describe it. We are more committed now than before even though we were bound by a mortgage
I love having him as my husband, not boyfriend or partner, I love knowing that we promised our lives to each other in from of the people who mean the most to us. I love that we are a family bound by love (and paper ) I don't think everyone needs to get married to prove the depth of their love, but for us the ritual and ceremony were important; the act of showing the world how serious we were about each other deepened our love. The children part is convenient, but not the reason.
..it was also nice to not have to pay taxes on the domestic benefits I was lucky to receive from his company 
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| Posted 9/2/08 3:59 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I got married because I wanted our union to be official, to solidify us 
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:01 PM |
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HoneyBadger
YourWorstNightmare.
Member since 10/06 15979 total posts
Name:
BahBahBlackJeep
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
We owned a home and were living together for years before we were married and I was definitely of the belief of marriage being simply a piece of paper. I couldn't understand what the big deal was.
Then at 4:00pm September 23, 2006 I realized it is SO much more than the paper.
Marrying someone is takes commitment to a whole new level. You are now bonded leagally and spiritually.
There is just something about it that "dating" and being in a committed relationship just don't convey.
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:05 PM |
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MsMBV
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Member since 5/05 28602 total posts
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Me
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
the tax deduction
J/K
to me marriage is two people becoming one entity
that's why we got married
ITA.
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:05 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by KittyTheStray
What of those who find out they are infertile and can’t have kids, should they get a divorce?
That was one point that was brought up. The person supporting "no reason to get married without children" went through a 5 year bout of IF & adopted a baby. She said during her 5 years, she kept thinking "We shouldn't have bothered to get married."
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:09 PM |
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I'll admit, when DH and I were just dating, then living together and then even when we were engaged, I also took the stand that nothing would change once we got married, it was just a piece of paper.
But we did get married, because we wanted to announce our commitment to each other in front of our family and friends and our God...(and because I wanted to feel like princess for a day!  )...
And I was proven wrong...there WAS something different, something deeper, once we were husband and wife. I didn't think anything would change, and though we didn't change who we were, there was a deepening of our bond and our commimtment that was impossible to deny....
We did want a family, but that isn't the REASON we got married...so I'm with you on this one!
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:10 PM |
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MrsPJB2007
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MJ
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
I would have to say your friends are wrong IMO. Its silly to say that you should ONLY get married to have children...so people who don't want to have a baby are not good enough to tie the knot?  Strange argument for me.
What happens to someone who knows they are infertile and can NOT have a child......so should they say to themselves "I guess I shouldn't get married cause I can't produce a child"  That just seems so wrong to me!
I married my husband because I wanted him to become MY FAMILY and we have our own family together, even if its just him and I.
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:11 PM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by KittyTheStray
What of those who find out they are infertile and can’t have kids, should they get a divorce?
That was one point that was brought up. The person supporting "no reason to get married without children" went through a 5 year bout of IF & adopted a baby. She said during her 5 years, she kept thinking "We shouldn't have bothered to get married."
Did you mention the legal aspects? Like if you're not married and one 'partner' gets in an accident, you can't get info or 'speak on their behalf' type thing? Just one example of the legal aspects of marriage, obviously there are plenty of others, like tax matters for another example, that was just the first that popped into my head.
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:12 PM |
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MrsPJB2007
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MJ
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Re: Having children, is it the only reason to get married?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by KittyTheStray
What of those who find out they are infertile and can’t have kids, should they get a divorce?
That was one point that was brought up. The person supporting "no reason to get married without children" went through a 5 year bout of IF & adopted a baby. She said during her 5 years, she kept thinking "We shouldn't have bothered to get married."
Honestly, it sounds to me like your friend may have some bitterness on the whole marriage issue as a whole. Like she is defining her entire marriage on whether or not she has a baby? I mean it stinks that she had such a huge battle with IF - but that doesn't make her union with her husband invalid as if they never should have married!
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| Posted 9/2/08 4:13 PM |
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