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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
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Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I keep reading threads where people are like "trust is gone so the marriage is over". Or he lied over something small and now the d-word is being thrown around, etc. Now yes, trust is definitely a huge foundation of a marriage but it just seems to me like many people are ready and so quick to walk out the door at the first sign of a lie. Don't people take their marriage vows seriously when it comes to this or is it that they just don't believe that broken trust can ever be repaired? Yes it takes work, ALOT of work AND time. But let me tell you from experience, it CAN be done. It just seems to me like so many people wouldn't even TRY, and IMO you owe to your marriage vows to at least try.
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Posted 2/16/06 9:13 AM  |
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calendargrl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 1686 total posts
Name:
jan
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Sorry to be so blunt but no. Once there is no trust there is no point waisting your time. I'm talking about big issues like cheating, beating, etc. Small stuff yeah you can work through.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:15 AM |
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LAMGAJ28
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Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I take my marriage vows very seriously. I think that at times, trust can be repaired for some people. In my case, unfortunately, I don't think that once I lose my trust in someone, I can "repair" it. When I started dating my DH, I told him how much I value trust, fidelity, and loyalty. Those are very important to me and in my opinion, one of the basic things that a marriage should have if it's going to last. I told my husband that I don't believe in giving men second chances when they cheat. To me, personally, if you do it once, you will do it again. If I'm putting as much love, and commitment in our marriage, I expect the same in return.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:19 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I've had HUGE issues with trust my whole life, and once that trust is gone, I've never been able to 100% trust that person again.
I think each person is of course an individual, so I think it really depends how one sees and views trust to say if they could regain it again.
I know for me personally, I would never be able to.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:19 AM |
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robynfs
12/6/10!!
Member since 9/05 4947 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I could never share my life with my ex-husband after what he did to me. I would never trust him again...and I wouldn't want to live a life always wondering if he would one day just walk out and leave me for someone else.
Yes, many issues can be worked out...but abandonment and unfaithfullness are two things I don't know if they are worth salvaging. To be honest, after a ton of soul searching, I believe I have a better chance of a happy life with someone else....and I know I deserve the best!
Message edited 2/16/2006 9:21:04 AM.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:20 AM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
It's okay to be blunt - it's how you feel. Physical abuse is more than a trust issue though, so let's leave that one out.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:22 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Sandra, I honestly don't know. I haven't been in a position to question my trust in DH.
I do know that it it would be harder to walk away from DH now that we are married. I used to say that cheating is a deal breaker, and it still might be, but at this point in our relationship, I would try counseling first. I think that would help us determine if we are capable of building back or not.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:34 AM |
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JennChris
life moves fast
Member since 5/05 4225 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
No I don't think that trust can be repaired...especially if it's something 'big' like cheating... I give my trust pretty easily, but if it's broken, that's it
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:35 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Yes, I do think that trust can be rebuilt. It takes a tremendous amount of time and a lot of work, and I think because of those reasons, people leave or give up. I do believe that people make mistakes or make bad choices sometimes and I do think that people can change if they really want to.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:37 AM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by baghag
Sandra, I honestly don't know. I haven't been in a position to question my trust in DH.
I do know that it it would be harder to walk away from DH now that we are married. I used to say that cheating is a deal breaker, and it still might be, but at this point in our relationship, I would try counseling first. I think that would help us determine if we are capable of building back or not.
Okay...but at least you think that you would try.
I realize cheating is a BIG trust breaker, but there are smaller things that break people's trust in others...even in friendships...and I see so many people that are unwilling to even try and repair it. Yet I've seen people earn their trust back. I've seen friendships and relationships be repaired after trust has been broken.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:42 AM |
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JennChris
life moves fast
Member since 5/05 4225 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I think that trust in a friendship and trust in a committed relationship are very different though.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:44 AM |
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momAGAIN
so outrageous
Member since 7/05 3853 total posts
Name:
TJ
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
My ex husband was a cheater and let me say no matter how much I tried to trust him, there was always the doubt in the back of my mind.....I think its a very difficult thing
Message edited 2/16/2006 9:45:48 AM.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:45 AM |
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twobabies
Praying
Member since 7/05 9662 total posts
Name:
Mrs. Honeybee
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
i believe in my marriage vows. and if my dh cheated on me, i would be devastated, pis@@@, you name it. but i think if dh admited he made a mistake and was willing to go for couseling. i would give him ONE more chance, and one more chance only. i would want to know that i gave my marriage the fighting chance it deserves for myself and my children. but if trust was broken a second time, the marriage would be over, but at least i know i gave it my all to try to salvage it. i think everyone deserves a second chance. if you blow the second chance thats it. but i want to know that i worked on it and when the vows "for better or worse" are put to the test. i at least tried to make it work.
Message edited 2/16/2006 9:52:07 AM.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:51 AM |
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LAMGAJ28
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Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by shamrock12472
Yes, I do think that trust can be rebuilt. It takes a tremendous amount of time and a lot of work, and I think because of those reasons, people leave or give up. I do believe that people make mistakes or make bad choices sometimes and I do think that people can change if they really want to.
I disagree somewhat with the last part of what you said. But I think it all comes down to personal opinion.
I see it from another perspective. You mentioned people would leave the relationship because of the amount of work it takes and the time. Marriage takes a lot of work and commitment. But I think, in our society, men are somewhat expected more to make these mistakes or make these bad choices as you had put it. I'm sorry....but I don't fall for that. Every woman and man has a choice to walk away from a situation.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:54 AM |
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calendargrl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 1686 total posts
Name:
jan
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Does counseling really work? I have yet to see one couple that I know that been through counseling actually happy. Maybe i'm wrong.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:54 AM |
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Lichi
what what!?
Member since 5/05 4206 total posts
Name:
Lissette
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by BabyAvocado
I keep reading threads where people are like "trust is gone so the marriage is over". Or he lied over something small and now the d-word is being thrown around, etc. Now yes, trust is definitely a huge foundation of a marriage but it just seems to me like many people are ready and so quick to walk out the door at the first sign of a lie. Don't people take their marriage vows seriously when it comes to this or is it that they just don't believe that broken trust can ever be repaired? Yes it takes work, ALOT of work AND time. But let me tell you from experience, it CAN be done. It just seems to me like so many people wouldn't even TRY, and IMO you owe to your marriage vows to at least try.
AMEN, sista!!!!!! IMO, as long as a SO doesn't break one of the commandments, then anything else can be worked through.
ETA: I hate that the D-word is such an easy solution nowadays.
Message edited 2/16/2006 10:00:43 AM.
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| Posted 2/16/06 9:57 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by calendargrl
Does counseling really work? I have yet to see one couple that I know that been through counseling actually happy. Maybe i'm wrong.
I haven't been through marital counseling, but our "pre-marital" counseling (like pre-cana, different church) was an eye opener, in a good way. Having a 3rd party look that closely at your relationship is unnerving, and I think with the right therapist, it could be beneficial.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:00 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by MrsFresca
Posted by shamrock12472
Yes, I do think that trust can be rebuilt. It takes a tremendous amount of time and a lot of work, and I think because of those reasons, people leave or give up. I do believe that people make mistakes or make bad choices sometimes and I do think that people can change if they really want to.
I disagree somewhat with the last part of what you said. But I think it all comes down to personal opinion.
I see it from another perspective. You mentioned people would leave the relationship because of the amount of work it takes and the time. Marriage takes a lot of work and commitment. But I think, in our society, men are somewhat expected more to make these mistakes or make these bad choices as you had put it. I'm sorry....but I don't fall for that. Every woman and man has a choice to walk away from a situation.
I agree that I think marriage takes a tremendous amount of work without any trust issues.
In my posting, I was referring to rebuiding broken trust, not necessarily working at a successful relationship. And both people have to be willing to put in the effort.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:05 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by BabyAvocado
Okay...but at least you think that you would try.
I realize cheating is a BIG trust breaker, but there are smaller things that break people's trust in others...even in friendships...and I see so many people that are unwilling to even try and repair it. Yet I've seen people earn their trust back. I've seen friendships and relationships be repaired after trust has been broken.
I'm sure people are going to look at me differently after this post...
I do not invest in my friendships nearly as much as I invest in my marriage. Not to say that my friends are unimportant or not as deserving of the time and effort; but they are not the same. I would be lying if I said that I would work as hard to save a frienship as I would my marriage. But I don't expect the same effort from my friends, either.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:07 AM |
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dooodles
When you wish upon a star
Member since 5/05 11997 total posts
Name:
Because 2 people fell in love
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by BabyAvocado
It just seems to me like so many people wouldn't even TRY, and IMO you owe to your marriage vows to at least try.
In my eyes, if my DH gave me reason to not trust him, he wasn't so loyal to our marriage vows to begin with and I'm not sure how easily I could heal from that.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:07 AM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I've been wondering this myself lately seeing the responses to the threads - and my thread about my friend - I mean, I thought I was being harsh about her situation but the replies were a lot more harsh.
I think that people today don't really see marriage as a sacrament (or whatever the term is in each different religion) and as serious as it is. I mean, people are human and all the love in the world won't change that.
For me, it comes down to what the broken trust relates to. Was the broken trust over something that is in itself unforgiveable - i.e. CHEATING? If not, then I absolutely think it can be repaired. I also think you owe it to yourself, your DH and the vows you took to work through it. I said "I do" in good times and bad and I meant it. However, if the bond of marriage is broken - which to me is basically cheating or abuse - then, I don't think that can be repaired.
Not sure this made any sense but, it did to me in my head 
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:09 AM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by baghag
I'm sure people are going to look at me differently after this post...
I do not invest in my friendships nearly as much as I invest in my marriage. Not to say that my friends are unimportant or not as deserving of the time and effort; but they are not the same. I would be lying if I said that I would work as hard to save a frienship as I would my marriage. But I don't expect the same effort from my friends, either.
No, it's very true that trust in a marriage is very different than trust in a friendship, like JennChris said. So I tend to agree with you here and I don't think there's anything wrong with putting alot more effort into your marriage (for which you took vows in front of others) than into saving a friendship.
But I threw the friendship angle in there to see how much of a difference it makes in the type of relationship. Meaning, these people who feel if trust is broken - then that's it - it's over, do they apply the same fate to their friendships and/or family relationships - relationships that you did not take vows for. In other words, if trust is broken, the relationship is over, period, regardless of the type of relationship (friendship, marriage, parent/child, etc).
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:17 AM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by BabyAvocado
But I threw the friendship angle in there to see how much of a difference it makes in the type of relationship. Meaning, these people who feel if trust is broken - then that's it - it's over, do they apply the same fate to their friendships and/or family relationships - relationships that you did not take vows for. In other words, if trust is broken, the relationship is over, period, regardless of the type of relationship (friendship, marriage, parent/child, etc).
I think the difference is that when you lose trust in a friend or family member, it is easier to keep them in your life more as an aquaintance. You see them occasionally, maybe socialize with them, but the closeness may not be there anymore and it might be acceptable. I am not sure how I could continue to keep a spouse in my life at that level.
I have not had reason not to trust DH, but I would definitely fight to keep the marriage. I took vows and I take that very seriously. I can't think of one thing that he would do that I would throw my hands up and walk out without trying to get help and work it out (except maybe abuse, but you said to leave that out  )
As for counseling, I know a couple who was dealing with what they thought was an addiction problem, and ended up being an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. They figured this out with a lot of hard work and counseling and they are doing much better. I think though, if the person with the medical condition was not willing to seek help, the marriage probably would have ended.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:28 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
Posted by BabyAvocado
No, it's very true that trust in a marriage is very different than trust in a friendship, like JennChris said. So I tend to agree with you here and I don't think there's anything wrong with putting alot more effort into your marriage (for which you took vows in front of others) than into saving a friendship.
But I threw the friendship angle in there to see how much of a difference it makes in the type of relationship. Meaning, these people who feel if trust is broken - then that's it - it's over, do they apply the same fate to their friendships and/or family relationships - relationships that you did not take vows for. In other words, if trust is broken, the relationship is over, period, regardless of the type of relationship (friendship, marriage, parent/child, etc).
For my friends and family, if the trust is broken, I wouldn't say it's over immediately. But even if we do manage to repair it, it will never be as complete as it was.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:31 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Does ANYONE believe that broken trust can be repaired?
I totally understand what you are saying Sandra. That is exactly how I feel. I don't think there are any "dealbreakers" in my marriage. I would fight a good fight before I ever left.
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| Posted 2/16/06 10:31 AM |
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