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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
just curious at why some people consider this such a bad or "naughty" thing to do?
not officially living together doesn't neccessarily mean people don't do the deed 
I know some people wait to do that on the wedding night, which I respect, but I just don't understand why living together prior to marriage is so taboo still now in yr 2006
I personally would not marry FH until we've at least lived together for a year, I need to have a test run before I commit 
If I didn't think I would marry this man, I would not of moved in with him. Just my opinion.
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Posted 3/15/06 9:48 AM  |
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Marcie
Complete Happiness :)
Member since 5/05 27789 total posts
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LOVE being a Mommy!
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
For us, it was our families that won't have liked it. Both of our parents are soooooooo old fashioned that living together was very taboo.
Since we were engaged, it was a different story when we offically moved in together.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:51 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I didn't live with DH before we were married but I don't think that people that do are doing anything wrong. It's a personal decison. For us, it made more financial sense for each of us to stay where we were...we bought a house together about a year before we married. He ended up moving in to the house with his 2 roommates who covered the mortgage. My rent was a lot less then the mortgage so we were coming out ahead.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:51 AM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Marcie
For us, it was our families that won't have liked it. Both of our parents are soooooooo old fashioned that living together was very taboo.
Since we were engaged, it was a different story when we offically moved in together.
yea, I hear you, even now we are engaged and own a house together, my dad is still in denial 
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:51 AM |
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Mrs-Boop
My Babies
Member since 5/05 4956 total posts
Name:
Jaime
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I wasn't going to live with my DH before, my parents requested it. But I basically lived with him through one summer and when September came and time to go back home, I couldn't do it, I wanted to be with him, and my parents knew it and respected my choice to move in. Besides, my parents are divorced and I told my mom, what better way to get to know if you will be totally compatible with someone before getting married that to live with them. Maybe if she had lived with my father before marriage, she wouldn't have been miserable with him for so long. She agreed.
I don't see anything wrong with living together before marriage. I know several people that didn't move in til after marriae and two of them are seperated now. I guess its up to the individual person, but I see nothing wrong with it.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:53 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I had a roomate, and the time our lease was up, DH was ready to move out of his mom's place, so it worked out. It was cheaper to live together than each get an apartment.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:54 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
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Dina
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I personally just don't think there is a reason for it and there is no statistical proof that it makes marriages last anyway.
I thought it was more important to have clarity in our relationship and that oftentimes meant being able to go home and think things through. It's funny, but of all my friends that are married, the ones that lived together previously are the ones that have marital problems now.
Now, we have had our share of problems too- but we work on them RIGHT AWAY- i mean like immediately- no festering, no letting it go.
I also think that saving money isn't a reason to move in together- and I think if you say, "well i wouldn't move in unless I knew I would marry him"- well, then why not get married? What would you find out in living with him that would change your mind? That he didn't put the seat down? Well, if that is a deal breaker, then I daresay you weren't in love.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:57 AM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
We haven't done it because we were better able to save money to stay where we were.
Now that we did get an apartment together 3 months before the wedding, I decided to stay at my parent's house until after the wedding because I really want to have that "newlywed" feeling. Maybe its crazy, but I am really looking forward to it - after the big wedding and honeymoon to come home together for the first time in our home. I can't explain it, its just something that feels right to me.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:58 AM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
For me, living together has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not your are having premarital sex. It has nothing to with being "naughty" really.
Part of the reason why we didn't LTBM is because studies have shown that the divorce rate is higher for couples that LTBM. I think those statistics may have changed, and they are just statistics but I believe there is some truth to the idea that if you go into the living situation with the knowledge that you "have an out" you are more likely to continue that mentality into the marriage. That's just my view on it.
So that's part of it. The other part is that my family is still quite old fashioned and alot of people in my family would have looked down on that and the fact that I even dared to have a wedding and (gasp!) even wear white after having LTBM. DH's family is not quite as old-fashioned but there would have also been some frowns on his side too.
Taking the plunge, so to speak, without LTBM is not for everyone. Some people feel they need that test drive first. They need to see if they can tolerate living under the same roof with that person before they make the commitment. We didn't feel that way. We felt that we wanted to make that commitment regardless of what little obstacles living together would surely bring. It's inevitable that there will be adjustments that need to be made when you start living with someone... we knew that would be the case so we didn't need to test that out first.
For me it's more like if I felt I had to test drive being married to this man first, then he wasn't the one I should be marrying.
ETA: I just wanted to add that I don't see anything wrong with people who DO LTBM. I don't consider it wrong...in fact, I consider it smart, in most circumstances. But it's a personal decision and what works for some doesn't work for all.
Message edited 3/15/2006 10:01:08 AM.
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| Posted 3/15/06 9:59 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by BabyAvocado
For me it's more like if I felt I had to test drive being married to this man first, then he wasn't the one I should be marrying.
That is exactly how we felt.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:02 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
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Michelle
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I guess there was really no reason why we didn't live together before.
We got engaged after a year of dating and married that same year. I moved into our new house 3 months before the wedding and he didn't move in until after.
Since I never lived with anyone before, I keep saying, I wish he would have moved in before the wedding. It might have made the transition a little easier. But 4 months after the wedding, things seem to have been calming down and getting easier.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:04 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Sassyz75
I personally just don't think there is a reason for it and there is no statistical proof that it makes marriages last anyway.
QUOTE]
funny you mention this, I read an article about a study done on this exact question...Are couples who live together more likely to stay together? The findings were the opposite...couple who lived together were more likely to divorce by more then 10% as opposed to couple who didn't live together before marriage.
All studies have their faults so take with with a grain of salt as you should with all statisical interpretations.
Message edited 3/15/2006 10:06:21 AM.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:06 AM |
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ODonnell
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Member since 9/05 5983 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by PiyoPika566
just curious at why some people consider this such a bad or "naughty" thing to do?
not officially living together doesn't neccessarily mean people don't do the deed
I know some people wait to do that on the wedding night, which I respect, but I just don't understand why living together prior to marriage is so taboo still now in yr 2006
In my case, even though I was 35, it was a serious case of Irish Catholic guilt. I had lived with boyfriends before and every time, far in the recesses of my psyche, I was niggled with guilt.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:07 AM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
DH & I lived together for 3 years before we got married. It just happened that way w/ us. If I could have done it all over I would have married right away vs. living together first.
Message edited 3/15/2006 10:15:40 AM.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:08 AM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Sassyz75
I also think that saving money isn't a reason to move in together
We moved in together with the idea we would be getting married in the near future. Money wasn't the sole reason we did it, but it was a contributing factor. After we got engaged and started planning the wedding, we realized that money saved from living together was enabling us to even have a wedding. Had we lived apart, our wedding would have been much smaller, if we were able to have one at all.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:11 AM |
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dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!
Member since 10/05 11561 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by BabyAvocado
Part of the reason why we didn't LTBM is because studies have shown that the divorce rate is higher for couples that LTBM. I think those statistics may have changed, and they are just statistics but I believe there is some truth to the idea that if you go into the living situation with the knowledge that you "have an out" you are more likely to continue that mentality into the marriage. That's just my view on it.
Taking the plunge, so to speak, without LTBM is not for everyone. Some people feel they need that test drive first. They need to see if they can tolerate living under the same roof with that person before they make the commitment. We didn't feel that way. We felt that we wanted to make that commitment regardless of what little obstacles living together would surely bring. It's inevitable that there will be adjustments that need to be made when you start living with someone... we knew that would be the case so we didn't need to test that out first.
I agree. Almost every couple that DH & I know that LTBM (with the exception of two couples) have broken up or divorced. The ones that did not, are all still together. That is just our expereience.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:14 AM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Sassyz75
and I think if you say, "well i wouldn't move in unless I knew I would marry him"- well, then why not get married? What would you find out in living with him that would change your mind? That he didn't put the seat down? Well, if that is a deal breaker, then I daresay you weren't in love.
You have your opinion and I have mine. No offense, but it's completely rude for you to assume that we were't in love enough...
I never say it would be a deal breaker, if we didn't live together before marriage... you can be in love up to the wazoo and still get divorced, so it is perfectly normal for people to be more reassured before they take this LIFE LONG step.
By saying "I wouldn't move in together if I didn't think I would marry this man" mean, if he was just a fling, or I couldn't see myself being with him till my hair and teeth fall out or have his children, then I would not of moved in with him. There is a difference.
ETA: I feel there's enough things newlyweds have to adjust to, getting used to one another (and sometimes may find out things you don't like) is not something I want to have during my newlywed months. I am glad that we are now past that stage and can say we completely know each other inside and out.
Statistic can show whatever they want.. my parents didnt LTBM, and are now getting divoced.
Message edited 3/15/2006 10:23:23 AM.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:16 AM |
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~Colleen~
my loves...
Member since 5/05 9129 total posts
Name:
guess
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by dandr10199
Almost every couple that DH & I know that LTBM (with the exception of two couples) have broken up or divorced. The ones that did not, are all still together. That is just our expereience.
It's funny b/c my experience has been the opposite - those that didn't live together before marriage, are now divorced or on the verge.
I would also take those studies with a grain of salt...most of the studies I have read, with the statistics stating that those LTBM have higher divorce rates, are put out by the church 
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:20 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by PiyoPika566
Posted by Sassyz75
and I think if you say, "well i wouldn't move in unless I knew I would marry him"- well, then why not get married? What would you find out in living with him that would change your mind? That he didn't put the seat down? Well, if that is a deal breaker, then I daresay you weren't in love.
You have your opinion and I have mine. No offense, but it's completely rude for you to assume that we were't in love enough...
I never say it would be a deal breaker, if we didn't live together before marriage... you can be in love up to the wazoo and still get divorced, so it is perfectly normal for people to be more reassured before they take this LIFE LONG step.
By saying "I wouldn't move in together if I didn't think I would marry this man" mean, if he was just a fling, or I couldn't see myself being with him till my hair and teeth fall out or have his children, then I would not of moved in with him. There is a difference.
I didn't say it to insult you- i just don't understand if you already knew you were going to marry him, what you thought living together would do? And I didn't say you were in love, I said if someone (not you) would break up with someone over something as trivial as putting the seat down, it isn't love.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:23 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Sassyz75
Posted by PiyoPika566
Posted by Sassyz75
and I think if you say, "well i wouldn't move in unless I knew I would marry him"- well, then why not get married? What would you find out in living with him that would change your mind? That he didn't put the seat down? Well, if that is a deal breaker, then I daresay you weren't in love.
You have your opinion and I have mine. No offense, but it's completely rude for you to assume that we were't in love enough...
I never say it would be a deal breaker, if we didn't live together before marriage... you can be in love up to the wazoo and still get divorced, so it is perfectly normal for people to be more reassured before they take this LIFE LONG step.
By saying "I wouldn't move in together if I didn't think I would marry this man" mean, if he was just a fling, or I couldn't see myself being with him till my hair and teeth fall out or have his children, then I would not of moved in with him. There is a difference.
I didn't say it to insult you- i just don't understand if you already knew you were going to marry him, what you thought living together would do? And I didn't say you weren't in love, I said if someone (not you) would break up with someone over something as trivial as putting the seat down, it isn't love.
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| Posted 3/15/06 10:24 AM |
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paulandles912
My children are a blessing!
Member since 5/05 2598 total posts
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Leslie
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by Sassyz75
I personally just don't think there is a reason for it and there is no statistical proof that it makes marriages last anyway.
How about you just want to? For us it made sense because we spent all of our non-work time together anyway. We were both 30, both had already lived on our own for years and it felt silly to throw away $1000 a month in rent when I wasn't staying in my apartment.
Now if I were younger and still living at home with my parents I might not have...
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| Posted 3/15/06 12:45 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
I didn't, but I have read studies where those that LTBM are more likely to never get married. I see it with my cousin--she's lived with her BF for 6 years. Now, she does all her wifely duties, without the ring, and he's in no hurry if he ever proposes. It's become almost a joke at family functions cause each time they say, "maybe next Xmas," and it never is. The push to be together and live together is what made us get married. I won't lie, the first few married months of living together were HARD, deciding who does what, what chores we will share, but we're in this for the long haul. It actually really upset me that some family members commented on our small issues and were talking about how we should get divorced since getting divorced early on, we'd have a better chance of meeting someone else. We work at our relationship and communicate and after nearly two years of marriage it only gets better.
Message edited 3/15/2006 12:58:45 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/06 12:50 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
It's a personal choice and I just didn't believe it was for me. I didn't think it was a "bad" thing to do and know plenty of people who have lived with SOs - some stayed together and got married, some just live together and have no plans to marry and it didn't work out for others.
For me, I just enjoyed living alone and having my own space. I liked the freedom it gave me and having my own home to go to. I just knew for me, I was only prepared to share every nook and cranny of my living space when I had a marriage. For me it was a sacrifice to give up my own apartment, but I was willing to do it for the person I wanted to marry. We did discuss the possibility of moving in after we were engaged to save $ for the wedding, but at the time, it was easier logistically for me to stay where I was living.
I was also very hesitant about merging any kind of money with someone who was not my spouse. I know a lot of people do it successfully, but it was not for me. I would never have been able to have a joint bank account or buy real estate with someone I was not married to. I also realize that many people live together without doing this, but I had many roommates over the years, and for me, this brought its own set of problems - which is one of the reasons I chose to live alone.
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| Posted 3/15/06 12:56 PM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Posted by nov04libride
I didn't, but I have read studies where those that LTBM are more likely to never get married. I see it with my cousin--she's lived with her BF for 6 years. Now, she does all her wifely duties, without the ring, and he's in no hurry if he ever proposes. It's become almost a joke at family functions cause each time they say, "maybe next Xmas," and it never is. The push to be together and live together is what made us get married. I won't lie, the first few married months of living together were HARD, deciding who does what, what chores we will share, but we're in this for the long haul. It actually really upset me that some family members commented on our small issues and were talking about how we should get divorced. We work at our relationship and communicate and after nearly two years of marriage it only gets better.
IMO if a man wants to propose he will, regardless of living together already or not.
Does your cousin want to get married? If she does, she can do something about the situation... if she does nothing, he will do nothing. Sorry, but I think it's aweful for her own family to think of her situation is a joke.. don't you get enough of that from other people, but from your own family too? 
Also, if everybody go by the STATISTICS, then nobody would still want to get married in these days.
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| Posted 3/15/06 12:59 PM |
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Chatham-Chick
*********************
Member since 5/05 10311 total posts
Name:
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Re: Another spinoff to living together before marriage...
Out of curiousity, for those who didn't cohabitate with their SO before getting married...how old were you when you got married?
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| Posted 3/15/06 12:59 PM |
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