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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
So my SIL is engaged (my husband's sister), and she booked her wedding on a Friday in the 2nd week of school in 2016. I am a teacher, and that will be my tenure year. We begin school that year on Wed the 7th- so we will only have school wed, thurs, and fri that week. Then, we have a muslim holiday on the 13th, which is Tuesday. I would need to ask off on that Friday. Also, she booked a 6-11 wedding which is pretty early, in my opinion, for a Friday wedding. Her church ceremony is at 1pm.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid before choosing a date, and I accepted. However, knowing that I would need to ask my principal (who is a jerk by the way) if I could take off on the 2nd Friday of the school year when we will not have even had a full week of school yet seems like a very un-wise decision on my part. All that being said, my SIL is a very emotional person. I am worried that she, and many others in DH's family, will think I am over-exaggerating because it is over a year away. Many don't understand how bad a decision like this is for a teacher, though. I am supposed to "not have a personal life" in the eyes of my administrators until I am tenured lol.
And on a side-note, I have been TTC as some of you may know. I would hope to get pregnant at some point during this school year, and would be needing to take maternity leave during the following year. I would hate to ask my principal to have off for her wedding on the 2nd week of school and then be like "oh by the way, I also need another 12 weeks." While I will never know what will happen in the "ttc department," I can't help but have that in the back of my mind. I do not want to tell my SIL this, though!
Any suggestions on how to break the news to her? Was going to tell her that because I only work until 2:30, I can easily make it out to the hotel, get changed, and be at the reception hall a little early to take a few family pics. Not sure what else I can say that will upset her.. HELP!
Message edited 8/3/2015 11:06:01 AM.
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Posted 7/31/15 8:39 PM  |
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KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination
Member since 5/05 4430 total posts
Name:
Karen
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm going to put aside that the wedding is at a ridiculous time because there is nothing you can do about that but if you plan on having a good relationship with your SIL then you need to take the day off of work. Regardless on being a bridesmaid or not, how can you miss the ceremony? You have a full year to let your administration know you are taking the day off and that should be plenty of notice. Take a personal day.
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| Posted 7/31/15 8:54 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by KarenK122
I'm going to put aside that the wedding is at a ridiculous time because there is nothing you can do about that but if you plan on having a good relationship with your SIL then you need to take the day off of work. Regardless on being a bridesmaid or not, how can you miss the ceremony? You have a full year to let your administration know you are taking the day off and that should be plenty of notice. Take a personal day.
While I am entitled to the days off, and my principal will give it to me because she cannot say no, I spoke with some coworkers who I can trust, and all said don't do it. In my building, unless you are tenured, you don't take off unless you are sick and have a doctor's note. I went to work last year feeling like s*** and stuck it out until realizing I had the flu 3 days later... It is just what you do as an untenured teacher and it is really terrible. I am too afraid to chance it, especially since it is my tenure year.
It is a very, very bad decision for an untenured teacher to make, but worse for me because i don't have a nice principal. I would prefer to stay on her good side
ALSO, a ceremony at 1pm on a Friday is ridiculous lol. My DH's extended family already told her they will see her at the reception because they're not going to make a ceremony that early- just a side-note
Message edited 7/31/2015 9:01:48 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:00 PM |
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olive98
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/12 791 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Taking one day off isn't the end of the world. You are giving plenty of notice. This is your husband's sister. There is no way I would miss my sister in laws ceremony.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:05 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by olive98
Taking one day off isn't the end of the world. You are giving plenty of notice. This is your husband's sister. There is no way I would miss my sister in laws ceremony.
i agree- if this was feb or march it would be easier. the fact that it is 6 days into the school year in my worry. Are you a teacher by any chance?
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:06 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7272 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm in the minority here, but if you can't take off, you can't take off. I'd tell her the truth, though I'd leave out the ttc part. Maybe you'll get lucky and be on maternity leave at that time!
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:08 PM |
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olive98
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/12 791 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
Posted by olive98
Taking one day off isn't the end of the world. You are giving plenty of notice. This is your husband's sister. There is no way I would miss my sister in laws ceremony.
i agree- if this was feb or march it would be easier. the fact that it is 6 days into the school year in my worry. Are you a teacher by any chance?
I'm not a teacher. Would they really penalize you for missing one day. Its an important event and you are giving plenty of notice.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:10 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by LuckyStar
I'm in the minority here, but if you can't take off, you can't take off. I'd tell her the truth, though I'd leave out the ttc part. Maybe you'll get lucky and be on maternity leave at that time!
yes, keeping out the ttc part totally- definitely don't want people looking at me funny for months and months
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:10 PM |
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KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination
Member since 5/05 4430 total posts
Name:
Karen
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
If you only want teachers to answer your question then maybe you should place this on the Teacher board.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:11 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by olive98
Posted by cets1290
Posted by olive98
Taking one day off isn't the end of the world. You are giving plenty of notice. This is your husband's sister. There is no way I would miss my sister in laws ceremony.
i agree- if this was feb or march it would be easier. the fact that it is 6 days into the school year in my worry. Are you a teacher by any chance?
I'm not a teacher. Would they really penalize you for missing one day. Its an important event and you are giving plenty of notice.
they won't penalize, but if they don't like you they can put a note in your "file" for tenure saying you took a personal day in the first week of school. The superintendent can see that and find a reason not to give me tenure. I am not defending my job in any way, shape or form, It absolutely stinks and the way untenured teachers are treated is terrible. The amount of stress i feel about a situation as little as this is so overwhelming and should not have to be. It is what it is. I get along with my SIL, and would love to do hair/makeup etc. that morning, but i'm not sure it is worth it
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:13 PM |
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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
You can take the day off.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:17 PM |
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evrythng4areason
And then there were 4
Member since 1/10 5224 total posts
Name:
Kayla
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm a teacher, and I would take that day. I'm assuming you're allowed access to your file, and could explain why you took a day. I'm also assuming over the past two years you've taken very few, if any days..I think my first three years I took a total of 3 days off?
While I understand the pressure, if you're a good teacher and you've done your job yore not going to lose tenure over 1 day.
As for Ttc, if you're worried about one day for a wedding wouldn't you wait until you're tenured to ttc?
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:17 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by evrythng4areason
I'm a teacher, and I would take that day. I'm assuming you're allowed access to your file, and could explain why you took a day. I'm also assuming over the past two years you've taken very few, if any days..I think my first three years I took a total of 3 days off?
While I understand the pressure, if you're a good teacher and you've done your job yore not going to lose tenure over 1 day.
As for Ttc, if you're worried about one day for a wedding wouldn't you wait until you're tenured to ttc?
for ttc, I was very concerned, but my family members in the same field explained that if I got pregnant and took the 6 or 8 weeks and came right back, that they cannot put anything into my file regarding it. Only if I took longer than 12 weeks.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:21 PM |
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MESal0820
LIF Adolescent
Member since 2/11 543 total posts
Name:
Meghan
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I would take the day.
It's your husbands sister.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:23 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
i am shocked at the responses! lol.. I really thought more would understand the situation. I just feel that if my coworkers in my building are warning me, shouldn't I be taking that seriously?
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:25 PM |
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Dolphinsbaby
My 3 little guys!
Member since 12/10 2943 total posts
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MESal0820
I would take the day.
It's your husbands sister.
I agree. I also think it's extremely nice she asked you to be in the bridal party. That's not always a given (as we've seen from other posts of people being offended they were not asked by family members).
It's one day. I also think regardless of the bridal party or not, you should be at the church. Especially since it is a family wedding.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:26 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22132 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Principals come and go. In laws are forever. It's over a year away. If you decline, it will be more of a headache with your family.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:35 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm a veteran teacher for over 20 years. Tenured in a public school on LI.
My job climate is completely unrecognizable compared to just a few years ago. My administration is, well... I won't say on a public message board... I completely understand what you are saying. If I did say, posters would be absolutely shocked.
I'm flabbergasted at the changes in the last three years. For every job opening there are well over 1000+ resumes. And it's complete dog eat dog. They can fire you for any little thing when you are untenured. If they went to fire you, they'll find something.
As it is your tenure year, I would speak to your union reps. If you truly feel your principal is completely not supportive then I'd invite your brother and SIL out to a neutral place and have a heart to heart. Really explain how it can completely put your job in jeopardy and how so many things have changed.
I can tell you. I know three teachers that were not given tenure EIGHT years ago and they still haven't found a FT position. At this point, it's truly a one in a million chance if they find a public school position again.
FM me if you want to run the details by me. I'm witnessing veteran and tenured teachers being harassed and administration wanting to go after their tenure for no other reason than they "question administrations' motives".
Good luck.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:37 PM |
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Mom1234
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/14 576 total posts
Name:
L
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I think you're over reacting. I'm a teacher and I took a personal day the second Friday of the year Bc I was a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding in my tenure year. I'm a good teacher and work my ass off and didn't think twice about it. Spoke to my principal and said I'm requesting this personal day Bc I'm in a wedding. Was not an issue. They aren't going to deny you tenure Bc of 1 personal day. If they do, that personal day was not really the reason.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:38 PM |
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Aries14
Can't plan life...
Member since 8/08 2860 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I think you are looking way to into it. You should really take the day and be there. It's not like this is just a distant relatives wedding, this is a sister. They are not going to look poorly on you for having a major family event on a day out of your control. And even if they are jerks and did - they can't do anything about it. IF they did put a note in your file, which I really don't believe they would if you handled it the right way- you can fight it and it wouldn't stop tenure. I don't know if every district is the same but my husbands district they aren't even allowed to ask you the reason for a "personal day". I truly believe you will regret not being a part of your sil's day in another 2 or 3 years and you realize that taking the day really wouldn't have been that big of a deal.
Good luck!
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:42 PM |
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NicoleF219
LIF Infant
Member since 5/12 232 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
Posted by olive98
Posted by cets1290
Posted by olive98
Taking one day off isn't the end of the world. You are giving plenty of notice. This is your husband's sister. There is no way I would miss my sister in laws ceremony.
i agree- if this was feb or march it would be easier. the fact that it is 6 days into the school year in my worry. Are you a teacher by any chance?
I'm not a teacher. Would they really penalize you for missing one day. Its an important event and you are giving plenty of notice.
they won't penalize, but if they don't like you they can put a note in your "file" for tenure saying you took a personal day in the first week of school. The superintendent can see that and find a reason not to give me tenure. I am not defending my job in any way, shape or form, It absolutely stinks and the way untenured teachers are treated is terrible. The amount of stress i feel about a situation as little as this is so overwhelming and should not have to be. It is what it is. I get along with my SIL, and would love to do hair/makeup etc. that morning, but i'm not sure it is worth it
A letter can't be put in your file for taking a personal day. Also, nothing can be put in your file without you seeing it and signing off on it. So if it did happen you can get your Union leader involved immediately and it would get thrown out in half a second. Take the day off. Things happen. Give notice at the end of this year before summer. Heck the principal might not even be there next year for all you know. I wouldn't think twice about it tenure year or not.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:51 PM |
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Mom1234
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/14 576 total posts
Name:
L
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
And as another poster said, even if you aren't in the wedding you have to be there! You can not miss your husbands sisters wedding Bc you have to work. Yea the 1:00 ceremony is stupid, but you have to be there whether you're a bridesmaid or not. So either way you're taking off
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:52 PM |
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MrsG823
Just call me Mommy.
Member since 1/11 5570 total posts
Name:
S
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
You are really overthinking this- let your principal know ASAP...giving a year's notice for a personal day is way more than enough time.
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| Posted 7/31/15 9:57 PM |
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MomMom
LIF Toddler
Member since 9/10 428 total posts
Name:
hi
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MESal0820
I would take the day.
It's your husbands sister.
I agree. It's ONE day. Call in sick or a personal day. Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to not be in the bridal party but I think it's nice that you were even asked.
Message edited 7/31/2015 10:07:27 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:06 PM |
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SLPRunner
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1101 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
i am shocked at the responses! lol.. I really thought more would understand the situation. I just feel that if my coworkers in my building are warning me, shouldn't I be taking that seriously?
I know how you must be feeling. I work in a school and have been in that situation before. I am also untenured. But sometimes you need to take a day off. I know it is at the beginning of the school year. I know it sucks (and ugh worst wedding time!). I'd go to the ceremony. I'd worry more about losing the day when you may want to be saving days for a potential maternity leave. I don't think one day out of a few great years will tarnish your tenure. Just my opinion.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:07 PM |
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