Sensitive Situations: Parenting and Protecting You Child From (Sexual) Abuse

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

It’s no doubt we were all impacted by the JonBenet Ramsey case when we first heard about it. Now years later, those wounds and feelings (of fear) are brought to surface once again as John Mark Karr enters the first stages of his trial.

As parents or friends or siblings of parents we can’t help but worry about the possibility of predatory pedophiles who put our children, the future of our nation at risk. And even with Megan’s Law firmly in place, protecting our children from sexual piranhas and abusers.

According to statistics 67 percent of all sexual assault victims (based on crimes reported) were under 18 years of age, and about 34 percent were under the age of 12, with one of our every seven victims under the age of 6.

And, while most of us would be inclined to NOT allow our children to stay home alone, allow the to go to the store or mall alone, even prevent them from answering the phone without the presence of an adult, we may not be addressing the crux of the problem. While stranger abductions do occur, they only account for approximately 3 percent of molestations in children under the age of 6 and a mere 5 percent of children between the ages of 6 and11.

In fact, the most notorious predators are not “dirty old men” or “weirdoes” in back alleys, but rather trusted individuals, most often friends and family. And, experts add, those we need to be concerned about are the teachers, relatives, sitters, and neighbors we place our confidence in, often in positions of authority and to whom we entrust our children on a daily basis.

Still, its imperative that as parents we don’t instill so much fear in our kids that they live in fear, and that we don’t give off the impression that anyone who is kind and nice is also a “creep” with an ulterior motive.

In fact, experts suggest that the first step in building a balanced perspective begins with building

Experts suggest taking steps to prevent abuse before it actually happens. And, they suggest conveying information in an age-appropriate manner, but maintaining open and honest communication with your children.

By taking sex (and sexual abuse) off the taboo list, you are making it easier for your children to relate to you and feel comfortable talking to you just in case something “does” happen, without being afraid or ashamed.

Additionally, experts assert that its imperative to explain (in an understandable fashion) to children what abuse is and that it’s never their fault.

Start as soon as possible and begin by explaining the difference between “good touch”, “bad touch” and even “secret touch”.

Describe “good touch” as a friendly hug, kiss, pat on the back etc. Explain “bad touch” as hitting, pushing, shoving, or even touching in inappropriate places and in an inappropriate manner. Remember there’s a big difference between a friendly slap on the bum and a caress. Finally explain “secret touch” as one, which takes place but is suggested be kept a secret and is most likely a “bad touch”.

Follow up by instructing your child to notify you immediately should someone suggest or carry out a “secret touch” and that if confronted to simply say “NO”.

For younger children, parents can explain that any area covered by their bathing suit or undergarments is private and should not be touched. And, don’t hesitate to inquire about your child’s experiences at day care, school, at a friend’s house, or with a sitter, asking blatantly if anyone tried to have a “secret touch”.

And, while children may exhibit a tendency toward storytelling or to be easily influenced and swayed, its best to pay attention when they start making such serious accusations. While you may not want to immediately jump the gun, you may want to use your child’s accusations to pay closer attention to signs and to tune into what’s going on.

It is especially important to take note of a change in your child’s behavior, primarily around certain individuals, perhaps the same ones he or she is accusing of abuse. And, be especially astute with regard to older children who may be less inclined to reveal the facts or the truth.

Besides knowing your child, experts suggest that parents familiarize themselves with the signs of child (sexual) abuse. And they add, that while each child may respond or react differently, there are some general behaviours that are common among those who are victims of (sexual) abuse.

1. An unexplained and out-of-no-where interest in sex, sexual things, or sexual behaviours, such as excessive interest in their body and touching it, touching others or having others touch them, to “justify” the behaviour. And, note, the younger the child, the more likely he or she is being abused.

2. Unexplained and unwarranted fear. Signs of fear, especially of a certain person and/or in certain situations may signal that there is a serious issue there. But, parents must also note that many times children try to protect their abuser, so you have to take note regarding their behaviour when they don’t think or know you are looking.

3. A significant and sudden shift in personality. A quit child gone wild or vice versa may be a good indication that something wrong is awry

4. Attitude adjustment especially in displays of anger and aggression. In younger children, this behaviour is generally expressed in how they handle or play with their toys and/or peers and playmates, often making them the school bully. In older children, anger is often expressed in substance and alcohol abuse.

5. Shift in sleeping patterns such as sleeping in more than normal or experiencing difficulty in falling asleep. Additionally, children may be overly secretive or want additional privacy, such as locking their bedroom door, which may also signal other questionable behaviours.

6. Your child develops an arson obsession. Experts suggest that (sexually) troubled children are often fascinated with fire and setting objects ablaze. And, they add that younger children may express this via their drawings and/or by using lots of red.

7. Drawings of depression say experts are also quite common. Children’s artwork can reveal a lot about pain, abuse and feelings of depression, especially if they portray themselves as meaningless in the presence of large, powerful people.

8. Out-of-no-where eating disorders. Some children are just naturally fussy eaters, but others may start showing signs of abuse through food, either abstinence or overindulgence. In fact, experts suggest that teen girls who are victims of abuse often become anorexic or obese hoping they will become less attractive to the abuser.

9. Outward and obvious signs. Experts suggest taking note of such as frequently as possible. Look for unusual penile or vaginal discharge, pain in the genital area, body bruises, unusual and unexplainable cuts, scrapes or abrasions, frequent urination or difficulty urinating to name a few, and take your child to his/her pediatrician immediately.

10. Abnormal behaviour that is also unexpected. Moodiness is expected in most tweens and teens, but to a certain degree. If you start noticing a significant change in habits, behaviours, likes and dislikes, and any serious change in attitude, especially toward things you know your child use to enjoy you may want to begin the questioning, and/or have your child checked out.

And, while the thought of your child being victimized is upsetting at best, the best thing you can do, say experts, is remain cool, calm and collected, trying NOT to grill you child for all the specifics and causing him/her to feel the pangs of guilt perhaps sending them into panic.

Instead, experts suggest taking immediate and appropriate actions toward protecting your child and removing him or her from any imminent danger and out of contact with the suspected abuser. But, they caution against immediately confronting the abuser (in question).

Rather, they (the experts) suggest firstly contacting the police, especially if your child is under the age of 5, since they are often not considered credible in the justice system. Contacting the police, allows authorities to cleverly investigate the claims bringing credence to what your child is telling you and them.

Additionally, police can help you along in the proceedings and dealing with your emotions and with the alleged abuser, especially if it’s someone close to home.

Another viable option is also contacting a child-advocacy center. Most major medical institutions have one, availing you and your child/family to trained counselors who know what to look fore and how to help, but that can lead you in the right direction with regards of what you can expect from you child and the justice system.

Finally, experts note, that as parents we all need to stay tuned into what’s going on in our child’s/children’s lives. In fact, they suggest that often crimes sex crimes go unreported; and that’s because more often than not the abuser is someone the family “trusts” and knows and even lives under the same roof with the accuser.

One reason for this, note professionals is that parents fear that by reporting the crime and admitting to exposing their child to an abuser, THEY will be accused of “negligence” and their child will be taken from them. What most however fail to realize is that if the child is observed by or confesses to someone else (doctor, teacher, neighbor), parents face the same consequences. In the eyes of the law, the parents failed to protect their child.

And, although guidelines for reporting child abuse differ depending on state, there’s a nationwide surge toward removing the abuser, not the child from the home.

And, parents are more likely to retain custody of their child (even if the child has to be removed from the home for a short while) if they exhibit that they have taken adequate measures to protect their child and their child’s environment.

For more information of if you suspect your child, or a child you know is a victim of abuse, you can contact the following organizations for help.

· Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline (800) 4-A-CHILD ((800) 422-4453) or visit www.ChildHelpUSA.org.
· Child Abuse National Hotline (800) 252-2873, (800) 25-ABUSE.
· To find your local state child abuse hotline, check your local government directory under "Child Protective Services" or "Abuse Hotline."
· Online you can find a directory of local state child abuse hotlines at: www.therapistfinder.net/Child-Abuse/Child-Abuse-Hotlines-Phone-Numbers.html.
· To find a child-advocacy center in your area, call your local hospital.
· Online visit the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, www.nctsnet.org.
· For a direct link to a listing of child advocacy centers by state, visit www.nctsnet.org/nccts/nav.do?pid=abt_ntwk