I don't know what to do...please help

I know I haven't been on this board for more than a few months, but I felt comfortable posting this here. I hope some of you can offer me some advice.
My husband told me something on Saturday night that has completely devastated me. I am still in total shock. He told me that he didn't love me the same anymore and that he didn't want to have children with me. Now, keep in mind that we were ttc for 10 months. I still cannot believe this is real. This totally came out of nowhere. I honestly had no clue that he felt this way. We have been married for 5 years, but together for almost 14 years. We were HS sweethearts. I love him so much, and this has torn me apart. I thought that we had a wonderful marriage, but according to him he has not been happy for a while. Once again, he never had expressed this to me so I am so taken back. I don't know what to do. He has agreed to go to counseling, but according to him, he is not sure that he wants to fix this. It is devastating. This has made me feel so hurt. The scary part with all of this is that he seems to be completely unaffected by this. When he told me about this, I was hysterical, and he just looked at me offering me no comfort at all. He is totally not himself, and this happened out of nowhere.
I am currently staying at my parent's house because he needs his space, and I clearly can't be around him right now. I am so sick over this, and cannot stop crying. I am a teacher, so it has been hard going to work, but at the same time it is helpful to be there because I am so distracted. I am sorry this is so long, and if you have read it all...thank you!! If you have any advice for me, I would love to hear it. Thank you all so much.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

awwwwwwww......i'm so sorry. i don't really have any advice but i do want to give you some it sounds to me like there is definitely more going on here than what your husband is saying. maybe in counseling he will open up more. there has to be some reasons behind why he feels the way he does and why he never expressed it before. i think the most important thing is to take care of yourself right now

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I agree with you. Thank you very much.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry you are going through this. As PP said, it seems that there is something else going on. For this to come out of nowhere to you makes me a bit suspicious.

Go to counseling, and I pray that it works out. If counseling doesn't work, please don't blame yourself. You can't help someone who does not want help.


We all are here for you!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry you are going through this!!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

Posted by katiebug

I am so sorry you are going through this. As PP said, it seems that there is something else going on. For this to come out of nowhere to you makes me a bit suspicious.

Go to counseling, and I pray that it works out. If counseling doesn't work, please don't blame yourself. You can't help someone who does not want help.


We all are here for you!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

First off I am so sorry you have to deal with

Secondly I totally agree with the PP that there is absolutely something he is not telling you. Have you guys been fighting a lot? Could it be the stress with work? I would try to reccomend counseling. For him to throw awa a 14 year relationship in one day seems a little odd to me. take some time to clear your mind then approach this with him.. good luck !!!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry to hear this. I really don't have any advice to give but i wanted to offer you support and lots of hugs right now. I will be thinking about you. Please try and stay strong. Good Luck..

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

Im so sorry!!!
do you have reason to believe another person is involved or behind this? You dont just throw away a relationship of this many years and be unaffected by it.

something else is up?

I hope you find out what really is going on!!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

i'm so sorry that you are going through this...it seems that there might be some underlying issue that he hasn't talked about and maybe counseling will help. Maybe the pressure of TTC or maybe something else...i don't know...i hope it all works out for the best and remember not to blame yourself...

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I hope that counseling helps you both. We are all here for you.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry you're going through this-I hope that you are able to work it out with counseling

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. Hopefully the counseling will help! I've seen it work wonders for a close friend of mine. Sometimes the real issues are hidden.. and hopefully you two can figure out something that you both feel good about

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others as it seems like there is much more to the situation. Hopefully counseling will help find out what the real issue is.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't even imagine how you must feel. We actually have the same stats (14 years, 5 married) and I can't even begin to imagine how heartbroken I would be.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

sorry you're going through this. i went through something similar. we went to counseling. it came out in drips & drabs (what was really happening). about a year later, i spent some time away (2 months in another state with family), got my self together to the point where i asked him to move out. i still didn't fully realize what the problem was until he moved out, got into a near fatal car accident, and his mom
(which is where he went after i kicked him out) found hundreds of little empty heroine bags under his mattress. i felt like i'd been duped.

if counseling will do anything, it will help with coping with what ever is going on.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry you are going through this right now

I also agree that there might be something deeper going on here. I hope counseling will help.

we are here for you

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine all of the emotions you must be going through right now.

Even though he agreed to go to counseling, if he isn't really committed to it, counseling may not help. Truthfully, the fact that he said that he doesn't know if he wants to fix this sounds very off. It sounds like there is something else going on with him. Do you think there's someone else? To me, that would be the only reason why someone wouldn't want to try to fix the relationship.

I think HE should be the one to leave if he's not sure that he wants to be married. Why should YOU be the one to leave? (Although I do understand the comfort in staying with family.)

We're here if u need us!

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

i am so sorry you are going through this.. i hope counseling will help and you both can work things out..

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I'm so sorry Counseling sounds like a good start. For now, take care of yourself

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. You cannot get yourself sick over this.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I'm sorry. I agree that there seems to be more behind his decision. I hope counselling will help him to open up and admit what is really going on. I would be asking myself if he has changed in any way - has his personality or schedule changed, etc. - and that might give you something to go on.

I hope he's only panicking and this is temorary.

Message edited 2/25/2009 12:34:14 PM.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

im so sorry hope counseling will get to the root of the problem. take care of yourself.

Re: I don't know what to do...please help

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now! One thing I will tell you is GO to the counseling. It will help. My husband told me in October that he and a "supposed" friend of mine slept together a few times and he wasn't happy with our marriage or me and thought it would be best to divorce but agreed to marriage counseling because it would "help" me come to terms with the ending marriage. Counseling made him realize what means most to him and that he was probably going through a late 20's crisis because he was getting older and no children yet and feeling like he was losing his youth. We stayed in the same house together and continued sleeping in the same bed with each other even though it was extremely difficult while we were going through marriage counseling. The counseling totally helped, i really think the counseling is what saved us. We were just mere inches from divorce. You have to try to keep your chin even though you are hurt. I know it's hard but try. Counseling may help him to realize he true feelings, maybe he is just having a hard time right now. If you guys can make it through this, it will make your relationship stronger!! I hope it works out for you guys!