Am i wrong???- UPDATE

We lost our son a month ago and it has been really hard to deal with the holidays. For the past 2 weeks i have been putting together a small tree for him to put at the cemetary. Each little ornament i wanted to be perfect and the tree to be beautiful. i ordered a lenox angel engraved with his name to put at the top.
Yesterday my mother in law asked if i can run her over my glue gun for something she was doing to put at the cemetary. when i got there i saw they had purchased a fiber optic tree at least 3 times the size of the one i had been putting together. it has almost the same ornaments but all are crystal and tons of glitter and bows and it is gorgeous. and at the top they have a small Angel with his name on it.
i walked out of the house and cried for hours. i was so upset...i was working so hard ot make the most special tree for him and for it to be something special from us, and they went out and bought this beautiful tree that makes mine look like a joke. to put them both there would make me so sad because it wouldn't be that one big special thing there that is from just us. i think my emotions are totally taking over. i just want it all perfect. also, my father bought a christmas grave blanket and my neice put a pointsetta and balloon. there is just so much there and it is all getting to me.

my mom told me to keep the tree with me and i can put it next to ours and that he is with US so he knows.

i dont know what to do


UPDATE: My husband and I went to the cemetary and saw how beautiful the tree looked there. We decided to leave that one there along with the grave blanket my father had bought. i went the store and bought him a giant Santa Mickey Mouse ( my husband and I lovveeeeee Mickey and Disney) I also bought hima cue MIckey stocking. We have his little tree at home in our window next to our Christmas tree and everyone loves it. we get to think of him adn share the holidays with him.
i think my emotions were taking over too much.

Message edited 12/13/2008 3:23:17 PM.

Re: Am i wrong???

It's unfortunate that you and she didn't talk about your plans before working on separate trees. You're all grieving.

Have you looked into professional counseling to help you and DH cope?

Re: Am i wrong???

I don't think you are wrong for being upset because it is DH & your place to decide what goes on ds's grave.

Because I imagine that your MIL's intentions were purely to ease DH & your pain and to always know that he's remembered, I'd say to let it go.
However, I love your mom's idea of having his mini tree with you in your house - every year. The cemetary is going to be getting rid of the tree on his gravesite & those beautiful Lenox ornaments will be discarded if your MIL doesn't get them in time. Keep your tree for yourself.

Everyone grieves the loss of a child - but I think no one more than the parents. Grief is unbearable for familes. Please don't allow it to cause a riff in yours.

Also you may want to start posting on the Bereavement Board as there are many people who understand your loss better.

Re: Am i wrong???

Nicole...I know how tough this is and as someone who has walked in your shoes...I offer the following advice...

Do what you want to do...if that means bringing your tree to the cemetary for your son...then DO IT. I am sure that your MIL had only the best intentions of decorating her own tree...but, if it is going to mean that much to you that only your tree is there for your son...then you have to do what you want and what will help you cope throughout what is a horrific, painful and extremely difficult time for you.

However, on the flip side of that is this...maybe it's not such a bad thing that everyone's gifts for your son are at the cemetary...EVERYONE loves him...and when I go to the cemetary to visit my son...I always bring some family members with me and we all leave something there for him...but, again I completely understand where you are coming from and truly want you to do whatever is going to make you comfortable. Have you thought about trying to talk to them and explaining how you feel about their tree vs. your tree and that it is your wishes for you to have your own special tree at the cemetary? Maybe they will respect your wishes and you can figure out something else to do with theirs.

What I have done in the past is this though...and maybe it will make you laugh...and some may even think what a beyotch I am for doing this...but, as you know, I am now divorced and it wasn't such a pretty thing we went through...and I know for a FACT that my ex-husband has NEVER EVER been back to visit his son's grave...but there was something left at the cemetary from my EX-MIL...and throughout the whole divorce process she refused to speak to me...even though she claimed to love me like she would her own daughter...anyhow...I took what she left there...because it was so obvious that it was from her...and I threw it right out!!!!!!!!!!!! I know...I am bad...and begged my son for his forgiveness...but, only those who have experienced this loss know the pain and the anger that comes with it...and sometimes you do things that you know are just wrong and may even be a bit irrational and immature...but, I say you need to do what will make you feel better...even if just a little bit better.

Re: Am i wrong???

i had that happen too. When I made a special wreath for my daughter who was stillborn, and my mom went and purchased a bigger one. I was very hurt, your feelings are very valid and I would tell her why it hurt you, because Im sure she meant no harm but needs to know IMO

Re: Am i wrong???

I amm sooo sooo sorry for your loss

I have no words of advice....I can imagine how you must feel and I don't know what I would do/say to your MIL.

Re: Am i wrong???

I would do whatever you want...your MIL sounds really supportive, so I am sure if you told her your feelings, she will get it.

I do REALLY like the idea of your tree staying in your home thought. I just imagine a nighttime dark home and the glow from this little tree bringing me to a good place.

My mom lost one of her babies...even though she held him and loved him, cried over him, my grandmother and family really did not aknowledge her loss...to this day I will never understand it.

But your MIL sounds like a nice lady, I would share my feelings with her.