| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: [1] 2 |
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Please offer joint custody insight about neices
So, BIL is the only inlaw I don't have an issue with (which means he doesn't owe me any money)
So, he has 2 girls...5 and 3.
He is an army recruiter in michigan.
He got divorced a year ago, has the girls every weekend. They do a lot together on weekends. They really love him a lot.
BIL went to HS in FL. Thanks to myspace, he is now married to a girl he use to date in FL about 8 years ago while he was home on leave.
The girl lives in FL still, owns a home, has a 4 year old girl. VERY close to her family. Very nice girl. Great family.
Plan was, April, she would move to MI with her daughter.
Well...now plans fall through, BIL put a transfer in for FL or TX(where the girl has cousins)...BIL says he doesn't want to stay in MI and his wife doesn't want to move to MI.
I am sick to my stomach. MI to FL is far away. I can't believe he would leave my nieces behind. As it is, they miss him so much throughout the week...
then to top it all off...when they are in FL visiting their dad...they have a new sister who is smack right in the middle of them.
I think this is awful. New wife should move to Michigan.
I know some parents are long distance...I am trying very hard to be positive, I don't want to not like BIL.
any thoughts? experience?
tia
|
Posted 5/22/08 7:47 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
rose825
Best Friends
Member since 6/05 10228 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
thats so hard all around. Where does new wife's DD's father live? Is that why she wont move?
|
| Posted 5/22/08 7:50 PM |
| |
|
Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
That is so sad - and so hard.
I couldn't imagine a dad wanting to move so far away from his own children....especially if he's close to them.
Why doesn't the new wife want to move to MI? Why did the plans fall through?
|
| Posted 5/22/08 7:50 PM |
| |
|
btrflygrl
me and baby #3!
Member since 5/05 12013 total posts
Name:
Shana
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
 maybe he has plans to change custody arrangements?
I agree that the new wife should move to MI. Is it HIS decision or is the wife demanding he move to FL? It is unfair for HIM to give up his kids.
What does the Ex Wife think about this?
What do the girls think of it (as best they can at such a young age).
Have they exhausted ALL options?
I'm not much help, my parents divorced when my sister and I were old enough to choose who we wanted to live with.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 7:53 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by rose825
thats so hard all around. Where does new wife's DD's father live? Is that why she wont move?
her father lives in FL...but is sort of there, but not.
He sees DD on holidays, but doesn't really do child support and all that. Very flexible...he cheated on her, so he just pays for stuff as they go...her family wanted her to drop him after the affair.
They hate him and he is just happy to be kind of in the kid's life.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 7:56 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by Diana1215
Why doesn't the new wife want to move to MI? Why did the plans fall through?
New wife is very close to her family. They were married back in Dec and she stayed in FL because she finished school in April...that's when she is suppose to go.
Her family LOVES BIL. As you can guess, Leo's family puts the "c" in crazy..so the fact that these people are so into BIL gives him that family that he always wanted.
BIL is 13 years in military...her family is all military. They are PR, so he goes down to FL every 3 weeks to see her...huge parties at the house for him, salsa music, PR food...everyone speaking spanish....
vs..his life in MI. wife is white, no family around...not a nice part of MI at all....its just where he is stationed.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:00 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by btrflygrl
What does the Ex Wife think about this?
What do the girls think of it (as best they can at such a young age).
Have they exhausted ALL options?
In MI, house has been on market since divorce...they can't give it away.
So, I think he is going to foreclose...then in FL, just live in her house.
They are nervous new wife won't find work in MI....which I can see, he lives in the middle of nowhere(which is why he is a top recruiter)...but why didn't they think about this?
I asked if ex wife can move to FL...would he help her? he said he doesn't need her following him.
Girls have no idea. Ex wife wants him back so I am sure she is sad. Don't talk to her...she called my baby an elf and I almost threw her down a flight of stairs
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:02 PM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
i am confused... if she is so close with her family, and i am *assuming* all of them live in FL, why should she be the one to move?
i understand that this is hard for everyone involved but it happens. ALL the time. and the families make it work.
obviously your BIL won't be able to see his girls every weekend now but i can totally understand him not wanting to force his wife to move to MI when she doesn't want to - he is trying to make a new start and this is what he wants to do. no one should be making him feel guilty about that. my guess is he feels bad enough already.
it's SO easy to say what we would or wouldn't do but the reality is most people that are going to respond to this thread are women. and in 9 cases out of 10, the mother gets custody of the kids and doesn't have to worry about "leaving them behind."
(i am not going to speak for any of the guys here, as there is no way i could see things from their perspective.)
if the girls' mother is as understanding as she should be, coming to a new visitation agreement shouldn't be that hard - your BIL can still see his girls a lot, like during vacations and the winter/summer, but for longer periods of time than just the weekends.
good luck to everyone involved
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:03 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
thank you LB. I am looking for all sides.
Its all new to me. I am just use to having a dad there anytime I sneezed...so I am trying to picture the girl's life without him at recitals and tball games.
I am sure he is going to get them every summer and every other holiday.
I am just bothered because I feel he is picking new wife over the girls. New wife is WONDERFUL. His life will be better because of her...
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:08 PM |
| |
|
SuzyQ
Mama to 3!?!?!?
Member since 7/06 8069 total posts
Name:
Susan
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
That is really so sad for your nieces.  It's a tough situation all around. I understand he doesn't want the ex-wife following him to FL, but what is she staying in MI for? Does she have family there?
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:14 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by SuzyQ
That is really so sad for your nieces. It's a tough situation all around. I understand he doesn't want the ex-wife following him to FL, but what is she staying in MI for? Does she have family there?
her mother just moved out there after the divorce(from NY)...that is her only tie. Her mother is much older and I am sure would be fine in FL.
other then that, ex wife has a job with the school system there...I don't think she has the money to relocate anywhere.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:20 PM |
| |
|
KateDevine
*
Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
I agree with headoverheels, if she has a family base in FL and your BIL lived in FL, then probably it would be best to live there.
But you are right as well, your neices ARE being slighted. If the house is being foreclosed on, is the ex wife going to be homeless? Live in an apartment?
Can he get full custody of the girls in FL? Would the ex wife fight that?
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:22 PM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
I just don't understand how a father can move across the country and leave his children behind.
BUT I am not surprised. I have seen MANY stories about divorced dads that completely forget their role as fathers once divorced. Getting a new wife, new life and step kids who now becomes their kids. Like they erase their "old" life including their own children.
I have NO sympathy for him.
I do feel so sorry for his daughters. They don't understand. They will never understand why he did that to them. That's really a good way to mess up your kids.
Disgusting!
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:23 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
ex wife is a great mom....and for the girls sake I hope that would never happen, they love her.
She moved out after the divorce to an apt...house went on the market.
I guess I am just bitter.
I know they are going to start trying for a baby within the year.
I fear the girls are going to be missing their own mother all summer while living in their stepmother and stepsister's house. I just want them to feel like they belong.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:26 PM |
| |
|
KateDevine
*
Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by smdl
I just don't understand how a father can move across the country and leave his children behind.
BUT I am not surprised. I have seen MANY stories about divorced dads that completely forget their role as fathers once divorced. Getting a new wife, new life and step kids who now becomes their kids. Like they erase their "old" life including their own children.
I have NO sympathy for him.
I do feel so sorry for his daughters. They don't understand. They will never understand why he did that to them. That's really a good way to mess up your kids.
Disgusting!
My DH's father "sold" DH and SIL. My MIL wanted to move to Florida, but you can't move out of state with out the other parent agreeing, so he let her go if she wouldn't make any claims to his pension
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:26 PM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by KateDevine
Posted by smdl
I just don't understand how a father can move across the country and leave his children behind.
BUT I am not surprised. I have seen MANY stories about divorced dads that completely forget their role as fathers once divorced. Getting a new wife, new life and step kids who now becomes their kids. Like they erase their "old" life including their own children.
I have NO sympathy for him.
I do feel so sorry for his daughters. They don't understand. They will never understand why he did that to them. That's really a good way to mess up your kids.
Disgusting!
My DH's father "sold" DH and SIL. My MIL wanted to move to Florida, but you can't move out of state with out the other parent agreeing, so he let her go if she wouldn't make any claims to his pension
SOB!!!! Sorry... first thing that came to mind!
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:34 PM |
| |
|
ziamaria
I love this boy!
Member since 4/07 3372 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
we're in a similar situation. all of our family lives in ny- we moved to florida to be closer to my stepson, we've been here 5 years and he wants to live w/us. his mother won't have it, not in fl nor in ny. we're still going to try...but i digress
if he doesn't pay a steady cs, he should start - especially since he won't be around to get them here and there and help ex out like he probably does now. he should pay for the flights for them to visit and def. ask for more time for summers/holidays.
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
he should also tell the girls face to face that he is going to move.
good luck, i hope all works out for the best!
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:35 PM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by Janice
thank you LB. I am looking for all sides.
Its all new to me. I am just use to having a dad there anytime I sneezed...so I am trying to picture the girl's life without him at recitals and tball games.
I am sure he is going to get them every summer and every other holiday.
I am just bothered because I feel he is picking new wife over the girls. New wife is WONDERFUL. His life will be better because of her...
i am sorry if i came across as harsh but i do this for a living... custody cases are the HARDEST for everyone involved. your nieces are so lucky to have you in their lives!!
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:36 PM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by ziamaria
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Unfortunatelly the kids are paying for this. It's not their fault! They did not ask for this. The dad should be adult enough to put his foot down and not "abandon" HIS kids.
I wonder how she would feel if she had to leave HER kid behind.
Apparently, his kids are no longer his priority.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:38 PM |
| |
|
Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
BIL does pay child support....new wife's ex doesn't.
I agree...new wife would NEVER leave her kid.
I hate the fact that new wife wants to stay near her mom...but the girls have to now be away from their's for summers...
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:42 PM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by smdl
Posted by ziamaria
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Unfortunatelly the kids are paying for this. It's not their fault! They did not ask for this. The dad should be adult enough to put his foot down and not "abandon" HIS kids.
I wonder how she would feel if she had to leave HER kid behind.
Apparently, his kids are no longer his priority.
i really hope you never have to make such a hard decision. but sometimes it's just not that simple. her WHOLE family (it seems) is in FL. should he just not have married her because of this? he is trying to make a new life for himself - don't we all deserve that? i don't think he is doing this because he WANTS to leave his daughters in MI - this is just the best choice for him right now.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:43 PM |
| |
|
ziamaria
I love this boy!
Member since 4/07 3372 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by smdl
Posted by ziamaria
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Unfortunatelly the kids are paying for this. It's not their fault! They did not ask for this. The dad should be adult enough to put his foot down and not "abandon" HIS kids.
I wonder how she would feel if she had to leave HER kid behind.
Apparently, his kids are no longer his priority.
though the kids didn't ask for their parents to divorce, it has become a fact of life in many houses. he has to step up and be a great father regardless of where he is. i didn't come from a divorced family, but my husband is the product of one and has been divorced himself. he knows both sides, being away from his son (and being refused his visitation rights) as well as having his dad/mom away from him. He lived w/his mom until he was old enough to stay w/his dad b/c he needed to learn how to be a man from his dad. it wasn't easy as they were in NY & FL, but it worked and he learned valuable life lessons. i'm sure he would rather have lived in a house where his bio parents were still together, but that didn't happen.
either way, he has a great relationship w/both his parents - including his mom who had to move to FL when they were younger to make a better living. it goes both ways, sometimes the moms leave and dads are on the other end.
in most cases it's a no win situation, but one that has to be worked through. i know once we move back to NY, we're going to continue to see my stepson on our usual rotation having him fly up and us fly down. he wants to live w/us but apparently that isn't going to happen for a while
the most important thing for janice's BIL to do in this case is to maintain a strong relationship w/his kids and go above and beyond to make sure that the transition is smooth and that they still matter to him.
Message edited 5/22/2008 8:48:45 PM.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:46 PM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by headoverheels
Posted by smdl
Posted by ziamaria
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Unfortunatelly the kids are paying for this. It's not their fault! They did not ask for this. The dad should be adult enough to put his foot down and not "abandon" HIS kids.
I wonder how she would feel if she had to leave HER kid behind.
Apparently, his kids are no longer his priority.
i really hope you never have to make such a hard decision. but sometimes it's just not that simple. her WHOLE family (it seems) is in FL. should he just not have married her because of this? he is trying to make a new life for himself - don't we all deserve that? i don't think he is doing this because he WANTS to leave his daughters in MI - this is just the best choice for him right now.
As a mom, I could NEVER leave my child so far away to be with the "new" DH. I could not even conceive to do that to my child. I would feel I abandonned my child.
Before he got divorced, he was leaving 24/7 with his kids. Then he was not there as often after the divorce. Now he will live in FL.
A new life does not mean leaving your kids behind. We are talking MI to FL.
And you are talking about leaving her family not her child. We are not talking about his family but his children.
ETA: If DH and I were to be divorced I also would not move out of state. DH deserves to see his kid as much as possible. How unfair to a father also for a mom to leave so far away.
Message edited 5/22/2008 8:52:34 PM.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:49 PM |
| |
|
taxbaby08
LIF Infant
Member since 3/08 70 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
If he can go to FL every 3 weeks to see his new wife now, he should be able to gp back to MI just as often to see his kids....
|
| Posted 5/22/08 8:52 PM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Please offer joint custody insight about neices
Posted by smdl
Posted by headoverheels
Posted by smdl
Posted by ziamaria
unfortunately, it's not always feasible to be in the same area with blended families - just the way it works...and it s ucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Unfortunatelly the kids are paying for this. It's not their fault! They did not ask for this. The dad should be adult enough to put his foot down and not "abandon" HIS kids.
I wonder how she would feel if she had to leave HER kid behind.
Apparently, his kids are no longer his priority.
i really hope you never have to make such a hard decision. but sometimes it's just not that simple. her WHOLE family (it seems) is in FL. should he just not have married her because of this? he is trying to make a new life for himself - don't we all deserve that? i don't think he is doing this because he WANTS to leave his daughters in MI - this is just the best choice for him right now.
As a mom, I could NEVER leave my child so far away to be with the "new" DH. I could not even conceive to do that to my child. I would feel I abandonned my child.
Before he got divorced, he was leaving 24/7 with his kids. Then he was not there as often after the divorce. Now he will live in FL.
A new life does not mean leaving your kids behind. We are talking MI to FL.
And you are talking about leaving her family not her child. We are not talking about his family but his children.
ETA: If DH and I were to be divorced I also would not move out of state. DH deserves to see his kid as much as possible. How unfair to a father also for a mom to leave so far away.
i can totally understand that you would never abandon your child. it would probably be easy for you to avoid that, because if your DH and you were to divorce, more than likely, you would be granted custody. it's just not as easy for fathers.
as for you saying that you would not move out of state, i hope you never have to make that decision. some women are not that lucky. living in NY is RIDICULOUSLY expensive and sometimes, JUST to support themselves and not live hand to mouth, they need to leave NY. like i said before (or possibly in another thread) i see it all the time at work.
i would never wish this situation on ANYONE - but never say never. i doubt anyone gets married thinking they will face a decision like this.
|
| Posted 5/22/08 9:03 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: [1] 2 |
