WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

Dh has family nearby. We use to see them every month for the first 7 years.We even included all of them in the wedding ceremony. Then 2 1/2 years ago was the straw that broke the camel's back. We stopped going to family parties, and its worked well for us. (We had tried to work it out with them multiple times, but they werent willing)So, there are are 2 families we definately wouldnt be seeing. There is a 3rd family which the cousin comes over sometimes and his family is fine... The problem is the grandmother, and the last aunt & uncle.

The grandmother is still sharp & her mind is there. But she openly admits she she is siding with the other family since at the present day they do more for her(take her out to run errands). I havent seen her in 2 years. Dh's family went to see her a year ago to talk about things and she's still taking sides, not being neutral.

The aunt and uncle. we had a close relationship, so much that i was even thinking when i had kids that maybe they'd come over christmas morning. when the drama happened they wouldnt listen to our side of it, even though they heard the other side. Then when i had the loss they told fil they would call us, but didnt. We saw them a year & half ago and things blew up. Then a year ago we saw them under the terms of not bring anything up(and that we'd meet later to discuss things) and i was so miserable sitting there. Of course they never met to discuss things. At easter they send a card saying they'd call to meet for dinner and they never did. So this year they werent invited over so I could keep my stress level down. They send an occasional text message asking how we are doing. I can look past the issues that happened in the past with us, but there are other ongoing issues with the family they still wont discuss.

When the baby is born im not sure what to do. Dh doesnt want to feel like we are punishing them, not letting them see the baby. But on the other hand, if they are not willing to meet and talk over things that are bothering us when we are a family without the baby, then why does the baby change things. We still arent going to be happy when we see them, so why subject our baby to that stress?

At this point my only contact with them in the last 2 years has been a christmas card.

Message edited 3/29/2009 1:32:44 PM.

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

if you don't speak to them and it causes stress. I wouldn't worry about it. I would do nothing. no annoucement, not meet and greet. Nothing.

I have ZERO relationship with my dad and his family. My son was born (he knows, my bro told him) I sent him nothing. Nor his family.

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

I wouldn't do anything. If they want to see the baby then THEY should make the effort.

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

Since there is no "other" on the poll, I didn't vote.

At this point, I'd say that the ball is in their court & if they want contact with you & your family, they should initiate it.

I wouldn't send an announcement to them because I wouldn't want it to be miscontrued as "They don't talk to us but now we need to send a gift".

For the past 3 years, I have estranged family nearby & my son cries that he misses them & wants to see them. At one point, I considered letting him go see them without me & later decided it wasn't going to happen. Me & my chidlren are a package deal. They don't get to meet the baby at your ILs without you.

I don't see it as punishing them or the kids. I see it as accepting that the relationship is over.

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

I wouldn't send an announcement, they will find out through family members that your child was born. If you send one they will probably think you're fishing for a gift even if you're not.

Honestly, do you even know if they want to meet/see your child? I don't mean that in a mean way at all, so please don't take it as such. What I mean is, if they have clearly shown no real interest in seeing or working things out with you and your husband, do they really want to see your offspring?

Either way I would say the ball is in their court. If they do want to see the baby they can pick up the phone and say so. I have never been one to chase people down to see my kid, whether I felt they should or not. Don't put the pressure/stress on yourself. You have enough to deal with right now

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

see the thing is, we do exchange christmas cards(although i thought about not sending one last year). I was thinking we would send all the people on our christmas card list a photo annoucement.

Outside of this family, we do see the other side of the family alot, and my side of the family alot- so its not like our child wont missing out on have great grandparents,aunts, uncles & cousins

They have been sending a text every couple months to ask how things are,how i am (only because we are pregnant, they dont send a text to bil,fil,mil ). when he texts - dh sends a polite short text back and he always gets a response looking for more conversation. He also occasionally calls fil but at the office when fil is gone for the day. i pretty much know when the baby is born they will be looking to see the baby... as new parents and with feeelings the way they are - how much would "you" be willing to let them be in the kids life. would you suck it up and see them, just continue the cards, or discontinue cards?

Message edited 3/29/2009 2:55:04 PM.

Re: WWYD - estranged family nearby - poll

anyone else?