Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Can you tell me some pros/cons of having them 4-5 years apart? Did you originally plan on having them 4-5 years apart?

Once you had your first child, did plans change? Were you sure you'd have another?

Please FM me if you'd like to.

TIA!!!!!

Message edited 11/8/2009 1:39:15 AM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Well, I tried to ask my husband what we would do if time was on our side. We really do not have the option of having kids 4-5 years apart and because I was not ready to have them close together, we are not likely to have another at all. I tried to ask him if he feels that the small age difference between him and his sister seems like it makes their relationship different from the relationship with his brother who is 5 years younger than Scott. He said he didn't know. What a great help that was!

I'm 3 years younger than my sister but we were 4 years apart in school. I felt like that was a big difference. We were only in the same school when I was in kindergarten and first grade. Then she went to college when I was in 9th grade and I sort of felt like I was an only child during HS. She was around a lot but my parents sort of doted on me at that time. I did have fun visiting her in her dorm, though .

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Looks like we will be in the same boat - I think about that as well... I keep doing the math to figure out if we ever have #2, what the age difference might be!!!

My stepdaughters are 6 years apart - almost exactly - both their bdays are in January.

It might be different because they are girls, and my older stepdaughter, Megan, has a pretty laid back personality, but Megan was an amazing older sister. She took Devin under her wing from day one (what DH tells me). I met them when Megan was 12 and Devin was 6. They were inseperable, and still are. At 12 and 18 (almost 13 and 19 ) they wear each other's clothes, spend hours together listening to music, gossiping, doing facebook stuff, etc....

I think it depends on personality and parenting. You could have kids a year apart hate each other or be best friends. Same thing with a big age gap. When they sleep over, Cailen disappears into their room with them for hours. I will peek in and see my little baby hanging out on one of their beds, laying on his belly, feet kicked up, and bopping his head to their music and talking to them. It is so cute but also nice to see that even with an age gap that can make them almost his mom (at least the older one ) they can still be close and enjoy each other's company.....

Message edited 11/8/2009 7:11:46 AM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Posted by lipglossjunky73

I think it depends on personality and parenting. You could have kids a year apart hate each other or be best friends. Same thing with a big age gap. When they sleep over, Cailen disappears into their room with them for hours. I will peek in and see my little baby hanging out on one of their beds, laying on his belly, feet kicked up, and bopping his head to their music and talking to them. It is so cute but also nice to see that even with an age gap that can make them almost his mom (at least the older one ) they can still be close and enjoy each other's company.....

Message edited 11/8/2009 8:00:46 AM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Alex turned 4 a month after Yael was born, and quite frankly, I LOVE IT. I think the drawback will be that they aren't close in age, so there's a question as to how close they will be growing up, but sometimes I don't think that always has to do with age, and I know plenty of siblings 4 years apart who are very close (i.e. my husband and his brother). Another drawback will be finding activities on the weekend that will satisfy both their interests - because of the big age gap, I'm sure there will be times when Alex is totally bored with what we are doing, and times when Yael won't be able to fully participate. I do hope though, that because they are both girls, there will be some overlap in their interests despite the age gap.

Now, the pros - everyone scared me to death saying two was SO much harder than having one - SO not true when your first is older!! It really has been a seamless transition for us. Because Alex is so independent, I don't feel like I'm split in sixty different directions at once. When we wake in the morning, Alex gets herself dressed, goes to the potty, brushes her teeth and chills out playing toys or in front of the TV while I feed Yael and change her diaper. And my god, Alex is SOOOO helpful - she picks Yael's clothes everyday, helps with diaper changes, gets me burp cloths, plays with Yael while I make dinner, etc...

We didn't want this much of an age gap - we wanted our children 2 years apart, but we experienced secondary infertility and had to do IVF ultimately to have Yael, and looking back I'm SO glad it worked out this way. This time around I feel like I can maintain my sanity so much easier - there isn't as much of a disruption in our lives, our family, and also in our marriage. I think if I had two young children it would take such a toll on my emotional and physical well-being, and on my marriage as well...

Message edited 11/8/2009 8:07:29 AM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

mine are 6 years apartment. It definately was NOT planned this way. But from day 1 Ryan had adored his baby brother. No rivalry, its amazing. I look forward to seeing the relationship they will have.

DH also has a brother 3 years younger and one 10 years younger. And his two younger brothers are very close.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

I have one sister and we are 4 1/2 years apart, I am the older one. We have always been close and became closer with age.
My DH is the youngest of four and was an ooops. His closest sibling is ten years older. He was not close with his siblings growing up and wants our kids close in age for this reason. However, he has built a close relationship with his siblings as an adult.
I think it depends on the kids and the parenting. I have friends and family with siblings close in age who are no where near as close as my sister and I.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Ava is 4 years and 2 months older than Brody.

It is good and bad.

The good part is that I got a lot of 1 on 1 time with her. I really did enjoy that. She has also been a handful. It took a long time to decide to have #2. Then , when we did, we had unexplained infertility.

The bad. It is hard to manage a newborn that needs to sleep, and a pre-schooler- now kindergartener that needs to be picked up and dropped off at school and a million other activities.

We also used to bring her to a lot of movies and show, not something that you can do with an active baby.

My only regret is that I wish that we had done it sooner. They would have been closer in age and activity levels..

Message edited 11/8/2009 11:40:45 AM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

Hannah and Ryan are 7 years apart. Honestly, after my divorce when Hannah was 2, I really did not think I would have any other children, but then I met DH, got married and soon after got pregnant. When Ryan was first born, Hannah wasn't handling it well at all... extremely jealous, kept telling me that I loved Ryan more than her. Things have definitely gotten a lot better now, 3 months later. She still has her good days and bad days with him, but I think for me anyway, having the kids spread apart was a good thing for me. Hannah is old enough where she doesn't "need" me 24/7 AND when she's "in the mood" she even helps me with things around the house, or with Ryan. It's definitely a personal decision, but for me, it was the right one. I give those moms with 2 under 2 A LOT of credit, because I don't think I could do it.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

My girls are 5 years and two months apart in age. Not the way I planned it, just the way it happened.

Honestly, it was wonderful for my youngest, my older one was in K when she was born and really got almost as much of "ME" as the older one. I do have to say that for me it was a little difficult to be back in babyland, five years out (never mind doing Diasy's again at 43).

Currently, they are 12 and almost 7 and, while it is true that those first couple of years differing activity levels/attention spans make certain things difficult, it really is a short lived problem. Honestlt, there were, and are, many times my husband and I split up. But, as they go to school and become involved in things this happens regardless of the age difference.

I also firmly believe that second children just grow up quicker. My little one has been schlepped since day 1 and in some ways she is better off for it.

My girls' relationship has also been one of teacher-student, although that too is beginning to end. They are close but my husband and I have always done our best to foster this.

My sister and I are only 18 months apart and growing up we hated each other. This didn't change until we were out of college and today we are the best of friends. So who really knows??? Or as my grandmother use to say If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

Message edited 11/8/2009 12:24:08 PM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

I have no experience on kids 4-5 years apart but I would like to add my 2 cents

My bother is 6 years older than me. We were only in school together 1 yr -k garten. I felt like an only child growing up and I still do at times.

It doesn't have anything to do with the age gap or b/c we're 2 different genders. I know plenty of people who are very close w/ their siblings who have a decent amnt of yrs bwtwn them.

It's b/c my brother and I were raised independently. It was Joe doing his thing and Carolyn doing hers. We RARELY did things as a family. That is 100% due to parenting. Regardless of the age gap or the opposite gender if we were raised differently things would've been different.

That's why even though my oldest is 7,8 and 9 years older than her sisters I will make sure I do my best with raising them alltogether. The older one will never be on their level growing up but I will make sure she is included with their lives and visa versa. The age gap has nothing to do with it, it's the paenting. That's my opinion at least.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

i have 4 boys.. my first two are 3.5 years apart and my second and third are 4 years apart and my forth is 3.5 years apart from the third. personally i love this age difference. i really felt like i was able to focus on the one baby at a time.. since the others were always in school by the time i had another . my boys still play well together and are very close. i never had two in diapers never two on bottles... it was great!

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

I sent you FM

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

i wanted kids close in age, but having psent 8.5 months on disability due to all sorts of weird problems while pregnant, and then having a child who was sick at birth (not preemie, long story) and spent 6 weeks in 3 hospitals, including one out of state.... there was no way we could go through any of that again so quickly. but i always wanted DS to have a sibling. so they are 4 years and 9 months apart. we waited until he was in full day preschool to even consider having another since i couldn't take care of him while pregnant. we had alot of babysitters, grandma, and daddy for those 9 months. well, ds has been asking for a baby sister since he was about 3.5, so he was very happy to have her. she adores him and tries to copy everything he does. he loves to play with her now that she can play. she just turned 2. and i can leave them in the den with the trains and they are perfectly happy for a couple of hours that way. so its really nice. i love that he is more independent, and can get his own food, get dressed, etc... and that i still have one on one time with the baby, since he was at school full day when she was born. its like having an only child for 8 hours a day. LOL drawbacks, its hard going back to the baby stage when the older one is gaining the independence... and alot of my friends who had their second one 2 or 3 years before me, are now getting that independence back and i won't see it for another couple of years. so its good and bad. but the two kids adore each other and i just hope it continues as they get older.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

DS and I had hoped to have one more, but there are several reasons why this just isn't feasible for us, mainly age. So we are adjusting to the idea of only having one child. If we had a second child though, there probably would be 4-5 years between them (not likely, but this is the earliest I could imagine having another).

Personally, I think the age gap has less to do with children getting along with their siblings than personality. I was friends with two sisters who were a little more than 1 year apart, and they fought like cats and dogs. They honestly did not like or even respect each other, and I didn't like being around both of them at the same time. My sister and I are 9 years apart and we were always close--I loved helping my mother take care of her when she was a baby and a young child, and we are still close today. I think they only point when we lost touch a bit was when I went to college, but somewhere in my 20s when she was in college, we were close again. We did things as a family when I was still living at home (and when I would visit). My parents were pretty good finding things that would interest both of us somehow, and I didn't mind doing the young kid stuff sometimes. That was a whole other world in some ways though--everyone played in their yards, and there were kids of all ages around at any given time. It may be a little harder now, but I don't think 4-5 years is such a huge gap.

Message edited 11/8/2009 10:39:20 PM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

I didnt set out to have them 4 yrs apart... I just wasnt "ready" sooner...

However- I plan to have 1 more and I will space #2 and #3 the same way.

Pro's-

older child is helpful- my son can run upstairs and grab a diaper or keep the baby laughing so I can run to the bathroom...

Not having to change 2 sets of diapers...

Older child is somewhat independent...my older child can feed himself, get a drink out of the fridge, dress himself...etc...making it much easier for me (esp when we all need to be out of the house by 6am during the week)

Con's-

For me my older child really FELT the change when the baby came home...it had been just him for so long, our entire focus was always HIM- so when baby #2 came along- he struggled with the fight for attention.

Message edited 11/8/2009 10:42:37 PM.

Re: Would like to talk frankly with those that had their kids about 4-5 years apart.

My older brother & I are 8 years apart. My younger brother and I are 15 months apart, and my sister and I are 5 years apart. I have the worst relationship with my younger brother, (that rotten relationship started around age 11 and continues today) and the best with my sister. Growing up my older brother and I were very very close, then we drifted apart for a variety of reasons, but are still close.