Support Groups? Help?

My mother has cancer, and is not doing well at all. She had a major operation last month, and since then, she has gotten worse and worse. She refuses to eat, and it's been about 2 months since she's had more than 600 calories in a day (except for maybe when she was fed through an IV in the hospital). She needs to muster up so much strength to fight this cancer, but as of now, she does not even have the strength to sit up in bed. She calls me by my sister's name, and forgets what day it is, etc. It is excruciating to watch, and I am literally becoming physically ill from it myself. I don't know how to talk to her - if I'm too nice, she isn't motivated to eat or do her physical therapy, and if I'm mean, she gets angry and cries and curses at me and still doesn't do what she needs to do to help herself. My father can't afford to hire a nurse for her. And he's otherwise enabling her by not pushing her, when she says that she'll start doing what she needs to do "tomorrow" because she is too tired today.

It's too much for me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her, or help myself. My marriage is suffering. My friends at work have been shying away from me because asking me "So, how was your weekend?" has gotten too depressing. My blood pressure is so high they want to put me on Beta Blockers, and my stomach has been so sick from the stress, the GI doctor told me I have IBS.

So my question is - has anyone been in a similar situation, and gone to a support group for loved ones of cancer patients? Or would I be better off seeing a social worker one-on-one? Or a therapist? I don't know what my insurance covers, and I don't know what I need. I just know I need help.

Sorry if I started rambling. Thanks for listening.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

do you have any sibs? Can you and your family help out with some care for your mom for a few hours a day?

Are you sure her medical insurance won't cover a nurse or a home health aide a few hours a day?

I would reach out to the social worker at the hospital and see if there is support there. It couldn't hurt to talk to someone and maybe get on some medication yourself to help you through the anxiety that's making you sick.

I'm sorry your mom is so sick. It's a tremendous strain on your family. What's her prognosis?

Re: Support Groups? Help?

Thank you.

Insurance does cover a few hours of nursing care a week, but my mother refuses it. She also refuses the physical therapy she needs. Basically, since she is so malnourished, she is not in her right mind and is obstinate, cranky, and at times just kind of delirious. I live over an hour away and am only there a few times a week; she lives with my sister. When I go there, I try to work with my sister and father to present a united front and get her the help she needs. But the two of them - they have to live with her, and it's so much easier to give her what she wants than to put up with her yelling and crying. It's hard to see someone you love so weak, so in pain, so helpless... I think it's just easier for them to give in to her, even though it hurts her. And I don't have as much of a say because I'm not physically there.

The number one problem now is getting her to eat. She's "cancer anorexic." She's lost about 25 pounds in 2 months. I'm going to go over there tomorrow and cook her a week's worth of meals in tiny portions, all labeled with a date and time, and see if we can't get her to treat them like medicine: take 300 calories every 3 hours.

Her prognosis is... okay. Not good. But this - this isn't living. It's torture.

Message edited 11/12/2008 9:55:21 PM.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

she may need to be hospitalized and put on TPN. She needs nutrition to get better.

Please call the social worker at the hospital. She sounds like she needs to be admitted even against her will.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

no answers sorry but just wanted to send you a hug and you have fm

Re: Support Groups? Help?

Cancer Care. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I lost my Mom to cancer in 1994. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to FM mail me. Cancer is an evil evil disease.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and how you are suffering- maybe you can talk to her doctor- they may be able to give her a stiint (I think its called that) to feed her through her stomach- we had to do that with my grandfather when he was sick because it was the same thing.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

Thank you everyone for your replies and FMs. It really helps to know that people are thinking of us and wishing us well.

My mother had to be re-hospitalized today. It was so hard to do, but at least for a week or so, she's under professional care and I don't have to worry about her hurting herself.

To the very kind people who FMed me - I'll get back to you soon, when I have more time to gather my thoughts.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

Re: Support Groups? Help?

i'm sorry. I don't know of any support groups, but I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now.

Re: Support Groups? Help?

I don't have any answers...just wanted to offer prayers and hugs for you

Re: Support Groups? Help?

Thanks again, really, for your thoughts and prayers.

My mother is in the beginning stages of renal failure. They're doing what they can for her, but she is very sick and is going to be in the hospital for the foreseeable future. I still have not gotten professional help for myself. I'm trying to stay positive, be around friends and family as much as I can, and do what I can for my mother so I feel like I'm having a positive effect on her.

Re: Support Groups? Help?