For those only choosing to have one child...

DH and I have pretty much unofficially decided that we are only having one child. We have our reasons...we are both older which comes with risks itself and we had a pretty bad scare when we were pregnant the first time. It also took us a long time to get pregnant the first time. . Do you ever get scared that they won't have a sibling to lean on when something happens to you and your spouse? Do you ever feel bad you won't be giving them a sibling? I am so close to my sister and see how close my nieces are and it just makes me wonder.

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

I have two kids but I just wanted to comment on the sibling issue.

Giving your child a sibling is not a guarantee that they will have a friend for life. Many are close, but it can easily go the other way. I have one brother, who suffers from mental illness and addiction issues. For the past 13 years, he is totally absent from my life. No fight or anything, he just has detached from our family.

I luckily have a great group of friends, and have my husband and his family.

My mom is an only child. She had a wonderful childhood, not lonely at all. She is very close to her cousins, has many friends, and My Dad and his family.

I think your reasons for having one child sound valid, and your child will still have a great life without a sibling.

For those only choosing to have one child...

Yes I worry but as pp said a sibling doesn't mean a friend for life. We want to give our dd the best life possible and unfortunately at the moment if we had another we wouldn't be able to give her what we want to.

For those only choosing to have one child...

We have kind of unofficially decided also, but Im not ready to say a firm no yet. I do think about not giving my DD a sibling and the effect it may have on her, but I know she will turn out just fine with or without one. Like the PP said, a sibling doesnt mean a friend for life.

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

There are no guarantees siblings will be close. Just like people who have kids so they have someone to take care of them in old age- again no guarantee your child will grow up and be close with you and take care of you.

Sometimes I do feel bad that my DD will grow up without
a sibling but the reasons for being one and done far far outweigh any passing guilt.

I am not sure why it's considered such a rule of society that everyone must have siblings.

Message edited 12/7/2013 10:37:05 PM.

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

We also unofficially chose to have 1. Honestly, a large part of me does want more kids. But that is mostly an emotional place. I feel like the most intelligent decision is to only have one because realistically we can't afford another and there have been a lot of scares and complications with #1 that I worry and have anxiety about #2 regardless of what the outcome would actually be. We both have 1 sibling and don't want DD to be the only sibling, we liked having our siblings in our lives. So that is a big issue however, I can also see how having siblings in our lives was also a downfall in so many different ways and we see ways our lives might have been positive if we were only children. One child is hard, two will be harder. So I just think... as much as I would LOVE LOVE to have a second, I mean heck, I would love an army of children, I just don't think that would be the smart decision for us. I think it would just be an emotional one.

For those only choosing to have one child...

Our baby isn't here yet but DH is pretty sure he wants us to be one and done. I'm not completely opposed but I think it's a little early to make a decision right now. His concern is money and i see his point. I'm nervous about trying for #2 b/c it took us over 2 years to conceive and I don't know if I want to go through all that again.

For those only choosing to have one child...

I think its actually very common now for people to be one and done.. either starting later, or financial costs......

with regards to your questions- I ave sister, things were great til after we both were married with kids, then my parents and I stopped talking too...If they don't have a sibling then they make up for it with playdates with kids,forming more friendships...

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

I will say for sure that the worst part is the judgment from other people. That and the unsolicited parenting advice from people who say things like, "trust me, I have 3 kids." The number of kids is not what makes a parent.

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

It definitely is not an easy decision, but we are very sure that we are done, unless a true miracle happens. After 3+ years of IF, many iuis and ivf, I can say we are done with that route. It is just too emotionally, physically and financially draining. My DD is constantly around other kids, whether family or friends. Most people do not know about our struggle so when random people lecture about why we need to give DD a sibling i inside laugh at them at how dumb they sound. Unfortunately, this was more of a decision made for us than us making the decision. However, without sounding cheesy, with my daughter we are complete!!

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

I have 3 now, but want to answer. I always knew I wanted a slew of kids. After having DD#1, we had 2 years of IF. It was very hard on me, but I wanted desperately to give DD a sibling. We finally got pregnant with DD#2, and I was ecstatic that she was a girl and they'd each have a sister! Well, that was ripped away from them, as DD#2 has a major developmental disability, and will never be capable of living independently or of having that type of relationship with her sister. Now I just hope and pray that she does not become a burden to DD#1.

So, like others have said...there are no guarantees that a sibling will make life complete for a child.

Oh, and #3 was a complete oops...I was supposed to get and IUD that month!

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

One and Done here

and PROUD of it.

Do you ever get scared that they won't have a sibling to lean on when something happens to you and your spouse?

- No.. life sucks.. what if you have 4 kids and 3 die in a wreck when you're 50? We can't predict or even plan for our future like that? My father had 2 and the day he died my brother wouldn't even acknowledge it.. and he wouldn't come down during the 2 weeks I said he was dying. so yeah, sibling didn't help there at all for him. And when I said "you aren't hurting him, you're hurting me.. you are leaving ME alone" he said nothing but 'sorry' sort of wish I didn't have him at all at that point and I had to write him off. Sibling didn't help there either. Now he's on the phone with my step mother weekly to take my father's things. yeah.. sibling not helpful there.


Do you ever feel bad you won't be giving them a sibling?

No. I'm glad I have her. Isn't that enough? She has friends and altho she has no cousins her age she's happy. She's in girl scouts and loves school. TONS of successful single kids out there. There's no 'NEED' to give her a sibling. How I can I feel 'bad' about something she doesn't understand she's missing? Ironically we were just at the mall yesterday and the kids in the play area almost all had siblings. AJ observes a lot. She came over and said "mama, that boy's mama isn't listening to him at all and he is being good" (aka saying please, being patient, waiting and sitting) All i could say was "but she's feeding the baby, so she is a little busy" which was true. She thought about it and said "but you always have time for me" true. She took off and came back after to older kids were getting into it and one pushed the younger one. "mama I think that boy is too mean to that little boy, should we tell a teacher" I had to laugh "no honey, they are brothers, they are only playing around." at which point the younger SCREAMS and the older acts innocent and denies it (as we all did as kids) and she says to me "BUT HE LIED!" which is a major no-no in my house. Yes but.. well heck.. i had nothing. I just said "that's her family and her rules, honey" and let it go.

Later she comes up to me and has 3 stuffed bears and said "This one wants to be alone, can you send away his brother and sister?"



yeah somehow.. i think she's ok being an only child.

I believe SOCIETY makes us feel guilty and so I get angry instead. Some can't have more than one, some can't even have one, so don't judge me for being HAPPY with my only child. Don't feel PITY for her either. She's happy, we are happy, end of story.

But if you can and want more.. more power to you!

Re: For those only choosing to have one child...

I lost my father 6 months ago- and I feel like even with siblings you grieve alone. Also, while I have a great relationship with one sibling, we both don't get along well with our other sibling and that caused a LOT of stress. As others have pointed out, having siblings is no guarantee of lifelong friendship.

Thankfully my daughter loves being an only and has stated more than once that she does not want a sibling. She has a really good friend on our block who she plays with often, who's also in her class. And my nephew who is a year younger is also an only and they are really close (and it's great to watch them interact, they adore each other.

It is more effort, I think, to make sure she has a strong social circle but it's not too hard. She is a Daisy and having one means we have the money to put her in art and cooking classes. I also feel pressure sometimes to be very involved and be very on top of things- I feel like a mom of 2 or 3 can be forgiven for being unable to do everything and slipping up sometimes but I get mad at myself when I feel like I'm not being the kind of mom I want to be.