MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
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An infertile woman's guide to small talk...
I saw this on another site that I'm on and thought it was worth sharing...
Please Don’t Tell Me to Relax
An infertile woman’s guide to small talk
by Mollie H.
Everyone knows an infertile couple, whether they know it or not. Some people, like me, are very open about one’s reproductive shortcomings. Others are very private. Whether public or secretive, the long and heartbreaking journey of trying to have a baby is known only to those who have been told they can’t. The sight of a pregnant woman, a stroller on the subway, or a Baby Gap shopping bag are constant reminders that our bodies are incapable of performing the most primal of functions. Seemingly harmless comments from friends and family become degrading insults and insensitive fodder. As a result, infertility becomes socially isolating; couples stop going to events where the chance of kiddie small talk is high. This downward spiral is invisible to outsiders. However, it can be easy to spot (and easy to handle) if you know the simplest rules of infertility chit-chat:
Ø Don’t assume we haven’t been trying – everyone always wants to know when a couple will have kids. If they haven’t told you, they either are having troubles or they don’t want kids. Either way, it’s easier to not broach the subject unless they bring it up first.
Ø Don’t tell us to relax or to take a vacation. That advice is as old as the hills and clearly has not worked. I personally have a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) – the most common reason for female infertility. I do not ovulate on my own, and no vacation is going to change that. As a fellow ‘cyster’ told me, “I could be in a coma and still have PCOS. Relaxing isn’t going to help.”
Ø Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Believe me, we are experts in temperature taking, cervical mucous, and all things holistic. The infertile internet community is huge; chances are we stumbled on your pearl of wisdom a long time ago.
Ø Don’t trade stories about how long it took you (or your wife/daughter/etc) to get pregnant. We understand you are only trying to sympathize, but unless you have experienced fertility drugs, daily blood tests, ultrasounds, sperm analysis, and fallopian tube dye, it’s not the same journey. What’s worse, your apparent success merely reinforces our sense of failure.
Ø Do be careful of sharing pictures and stories of your own babies. A friend of mine (who knows we’ve been trying to get pregnant) recently showed me pictures of her daughter’s painted pregnant belly. It took every ounce of strength to not break into tears in the middle of the restaurant. She wasn’t trying to be insensitive – she was just excited about her upcoming grandchild. Still, if you know a childless couple, assume the worst and tread lightly.
Ø Do keep the conversation simple. As a sales representative and professional “small talker,” I’ve learned to respond to the kid question with a simple, “We’re trying.” Yesterday, a client of mine handled the conversation beautifully. He looked me in the eye and sincerely said, “Good luck – I wish you all the best.” It was a perfect response.
Ø Do talk about other things. While there is no need to uncomfortably avoid the infertile topic, conversation that does not include my body or your children would be a welcome reprieve. Now is the time to discuss that lighthearted movie or to share that dirty joke. Trust me; we could use a good laugh.
Infertility is a lonely and heartbreaking existence. Perhaps now, that anti-social childless couple will be easier to understand. Chances are they are sitting at home, wondering what is wrong with their bodies, and avoiding people so they don’t risk crying at the family reunion. Do yourself a favor – read the above advice one more time, and then invite them over for dinner. I know you miss them. We miss you too.
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