Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

To make a very long story short - Dh does not have a relationship with his sister. She has 2 children, a 13yr old boy and a 10 yr old girl. DH has a good relationship with his nephew and is always calling him and emailing with him. We dont see them that much b/c of his sister.

The problem is with his neice. Everytime DH calls over there to speak with them, she refuses to get on the phone. She used to lie and say she was in the bathroom but her brother would call her out on the lie. So now she just says she doesnt want to talk to him. We feel that his sister is somewhat brainwashing her and making it seem like we are bad ppl. I am sure she is telling them all sorts of things, but DH refuses to talk to the kids about it and just says " its something me and your mom have to work out"

Now - the issue we are having is with Xmas coming, we will most likely see them. DH doesnt want to get his neice a gift b/c he feels like he is rewarding her bahavior. In his eyes, she lies to him and refuses to talk to him, why should he then buy her a present. But he also doesnt want to make her feel bad. Whats the right thing to do here? I see my DHs pov but she is also only 10 and is listening to who only knows what her mother is telling her.

Opinions/thoughts??

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

I can see his POV, but how do you give a gift to the 13 year old and not the 10 year old? The kid is totally wrong, but he is the adult -

Also, I think if he does that, whatever the sister IS telling the daughter will just be reinforced (ie: "See I TOLD you your Uncle was A B C")

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

She's 10 years old. If you are buying her brother a gift, then I feel you should be buying her one too. I think it would be very hurtful to "punish" her by not getting her a gift, especially if she will be in your company while her brother is opening a gift and she gets nothing.

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

She is a kid and she won't be able to rationalize why her brother got and gift and she didn't. To avoid hard feelings, it's best to give her something. It doesn't mean it has to be a good gift...lol

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

I think by not giving her a gift, you will be reinforcing whatever the reason is that she doesn't want to talk to him.
She may be shy or not feel that she knows him very well. I know when I was a kid I never liked to talk on the phone - heck, I still don't. If it is because her mother is telling her things about him, then by not giving a gift, it will only back up his sister's argument.
She is only 10, she is a child. It is wrong to try to "punish" her by not giving her a gift while her brother gets one.

Instead, why doesn't he give her a special gift at Christmas and include a card that tells her how much he cares about her and would love to be able to speak to her on the phone sometimes, even if it is just to say hello. Or maybe she would be more comfortable exchanging letters or email with him.
I know I would have rather done that at that age.

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

Give the 10 year old whatever gift you'd give if she weren't acting like that.

Sometimes kids act poorly - because they either don't know better, they aren't being taught properly or maybe because they're a brat.

Your DH is an adult - and as an adult, you look past it & should do the right thing. If he had no contact with either child, then I'd say let it pass, but you don't give to the one that talks to you & nothing to the 10 year old who doesn't.

If she was a 15-16 year old, then I'd say get her a token gift.

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

Hmm seeing as i have an 11 year old..i will answer this, as if it were my kid, which it could be since he gets snotty sometimes and decides not to talk to people sometimes when he feels like it..
Kids these age are fickle..even if theyre not normally fickle..
I have a bad relationship with my sister, and we havent spoken in years, i speak to my nephew as much as i can, but he does ignore us and my son would NEVER get on the phone and talk to my sister..and not because i brainwash him, but because he sees how upset m,y sister gets me, and he doesnt want to be assosciated with someone who upsets his mom that way..kwim?

If it were me and my nephew..id buy a gift..and id make sure in your situation, DH when he sees her, is the one to give her the gift, at which point he can gently pull her aside, and let her know, that he doesnt ever want to feel caught in the middle, but that he loves her, no matter what..and that he hopes maybe they can stay in touch more because he likes to know what shes up to..

My ds is very mature, and i KNOW he could handle this kind of conversation..if she is too, i think it would be good to do :)

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question

Re: Advice needed re: a 10yr old and behavior question