Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Message edited 12/2/2010 9:22:40 AM.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

I am not sure what to say . If his biological dad is out of his life completely with no thoughts of ever returning do you have to say anything? I am not sure. Maybe ask on the adoption board and see what they say. Your son has a daddy that loves him and thats what counts



By the way - Feb 15th is my daughter's first birthday

Message edited 2/6/2007 9:08:59 PM.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Posted by Samlove

I am not sure what to say . If his biological dad is out of his life completely with no thoughts of ever returning do you have to say anything? I am not sure. Maybe ask on the adoption board and see what they say. Your son has a daddy that loves him and thats what counts



By the way - Feb 15th is my daughter's first birthday

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Wow, this is a hard one. You don't want to wait too long like when he's older because he might say "why didn't you tell me sooner." But, you don't want to confuse him if he does not totally understand.

My dad is not my biological father, but, like you said, has been my dad in every sense of the word since I was 3. I have some memories of my biological father and I have an older sister, so I always knew about him and my parents always spoke about it. I remember my mom told my brothers (who are my dad's biological sons--hope that makes sense) when they were 4 or 5.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

I just saw that you said he is in old pictures and video. I suggest that you show him pictures and if he asks, then explain to him the best you can.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Not a child psychologist but here's my 2 cents anyway.

My girlfriend adopted her daughter when she was 4 days old. Her daughter has always known that she was adopted....that she didn't grow in her mom's belly but in her heart. That she grew in another woman's belly so that her mom could have her.

I know it's late in the game to start that & the circumstances are different. I would defniitely talk to a psychologist sooner rather than later. He's the same age as Joseph - 5, right?. Maybe ask the school psychologist for some tips?

I think getting adoption children's books & introducing the idea is a good start.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Honestly, if it were me I'd want him to know strictly because of medical history reasons...although he'll never know what his fathers medical history was.

Personally, I just recently found out that my grandfather was not my bio. grandfather...and all along I've been telling Dr's that my grandfather died of cancer....

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

this actually happened to me.....my Dad isnt my biological father and I wasnt told until I was older and it ABSOLUTELY crushed me to know that everyone wasnt being honest with me
my Mom said I knew but I dont remember her telling me
I felt really awkward around my Dad after that for a long long time
I wish I never knew .....my kids dont know that their Pop isnt their biological grandfather I am not sure what I will ever tell them unless they ask

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

I think you absolutely have to tell him!!!! As to when and how I am at a lost, but I do think he has to be really old enough to fully understand. I would say about 7-8-9 depending on his maturity. Around the same time you talk about puberty and sex.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

i agree. i think you should tell him.. my exhusband found out in the wrong way when he was 19. his mother never showed him pictures of his dad or told him. he was very hurt.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Posted by Samlove

I am not sure what to say . If his biological dad is out of his life completely with no thoughts of ever returning do you have to say anything? I am not sure. Maybe ask on the adoption board and see what they say. Your son has a daddy that loves him and thats what counts



By the way - Feb 15th is my daughter's first birthday

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

I have no idea about this matter. But, as a mom of a 5 year old. I would say wait a few more years. So, that he can grasp his way around it. I think about 10-12. Maybe even start with showing some of the old photos. And saying that XXXX so, he knows who he is but not WHO he is. That way he will sort of know him when the news comes. Does that make sense??

I could be totally wrong! But, that's how I would go about it. As I said I was never in the situation.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

IMO..I would tell him about it because one day he will find the pictures and ask who the person is. I think you have to explain to him that he did grow in mommy's belly. I think a book on adoption is not a good idea because only your Dh adopted him not both of you.

I would talk to the school psychologist and let them help you. I would tell him sooner than later. He is old enough to understand.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

The current school of thought on adoption is talk early and talk often. This way the child has a sense of his/her story as early as possible.

We adopted our son at 19 months. He appears to have memories of his orphange. We do tell him his adoption story but at 3.6 he just views it as a story about our family. You may be surprised at what your child remembers, especially when looking at pictures.

It's not easy to present your child with a piece of their life story that no longer fits. But it is their story and its important for them to know. I applaud you for seeking professional input.
Once you discuss it just keep the communication going as you feel the need. You are doing the right thing for your child.

Message edited 2/7/2007 8:38:49 AM.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Does he remember your wedding? Maybe you could somehow incorporate that into the conversation.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

I don't have much advice, but I loved FranM's idea about making it a part of the history of your family!

Again, I have never been through anything like this, but I think its healthy to refer to his bio dad by his name and as his adopted dad as Daddy...and make sure that he knows about both!!

Good Luck!

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

My opinion on this would be the sooner the better. It seems that if the child can grow with the story as part of who they are, they accept it easier, as opposed to beleiving one thing and having that security taken away.

My 3 sisters were adopted at the ages of 3, 1 1/2, and 1 week old and they all knew they were adopted from the very beginning and were also told that their bio parents had lots of problems and couldnt care for them (this part was very sugar coated until they were much older to grasp'life problems') and they have had no issues accepting who they are. Im sure you will find the right words!

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

The thing is that I don't know how to explain "biological" to him ... so that's why I think it may be wise to wait a little longer.... he is a very smart and mature kid, but I think that is over his head still

We told him when we went to court for his adoption that since Daddy married Mommy (he was about 3 at our wedding) he was going to marry Jordan also and that is pretty much how we left it (he was 4 at the time)...

he has seen pictures of his sperm donor.. we just call him by name and no questions or explanations follow.

I guess the question isn't IF we tell him it's HOW and WHEN we tell him... I know that I'd want to know that info and I'd be upset if my parents kept something that big from me....

I'm just worried about how he's going to react to it, especially because my Ex is such a lowlife.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Posted by FelAndJon

Posted by JennChris

he has seen pictures of his sperm donor.. we just call him by name and no questions or explanations follow.

Sorry, I love the term, "sperm donor"

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Posted by JennChris

The thing is that I don't know how to explain "biological" to him ... so that's why I think it may be wise to wait a little longer.... he is a very smart and mature kid, but I think that is over his head still

We told him when we went to court for his adoption that since Daddy married Mommy (he was about 3 at our wedding) he was going to marry Jordan also and that is pretty much how we left it (he was 4 at the time)...

he has seen pictures of his sperm donor.. we just call him by name and no questions or explanations follow.

I guess the question isn't IF we tell him it's HOW and WHEN we tell him... I know that I'd want to know that info and I'd be upset if my parents kept something that big from me....

I'm just worried about how he's going to react to it, especially because my Ex is such a lowlife.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

No advice, I am sure you will do it the best way possible.

Re: Advice about telling child about his "biological father"

Well, how do you refer to your DH? As daddy? Maybe if you make the distinction between "father" and "dad", it might help. For example, maybe tell him that sometimes fathers are not always your daddy. Daddies do things with you everyday and live with you and take care of you. Maybe tell him that your family was so lucky that they found a good daddy. I don't know, just adding my two cents. It might be stupid, but if you make a distinction between "a father" and "a daddy" it might help further explain it later. Maybe just start to refer to your ex as his father when he sees pictures. I think the less anxiety you have over it, the less he will, too. Good luck with whatever you decide to do